If Pen Pals Got Drunk

Dear You,

I regret to inform you that I am hammered right now adn therefore cannot be responsible for anything I may have done, nor anything that I will regrt doing in the mornin. LOL! JK!

Sometimes I think we don’t understand each other, in spite of our magical afternoon together at Six Flags Over Texas ™ in Arlington, and in spite of me stealing you a Wile E. Coyote keychain in the gift shop (seriously though: true story; remind me sometime and I shall regale you with the whatever the fuck and yadda yadda) you totes left me out to dry while you went and rode the SkyScreamer, which, I’m sorry, it needs to be said, just sounds like the ride provided by a Mimbo. (COOL GUY? What are you, in eighth grade?)

Well I’m sorry if I can’t get you free pie.

<3,

Ur pen pal,

Sam

Hail to the #Failskins

20130107-224202.jpgWhen Robert Griffin (RG)III, the young star quarterback of the Washington Racists Redskins caught his toe in the chewed-up turf at FedEx Field® on Sunday night as he fell across the sideline in a vain attempt to put his team two touchdowns ahead of the Seattle Sea Hawks, his resultant gimpy hop/walk back to the huddle sent alarm bells ringing in the minds of all Sons of Washington.

The federal district, not the state. Those football-watching Washingtonians who get to have U.S. Senators and some semblance of autonomy from Congress instead found themselves salivating like Pavlov’s pomeranian at the prospect of three quarters against badly damaged opposition, and who could blame them? It was pre-obvious that our most precious resource (RGIII, to hell with The Children), would be kept in far too long at the risk of his health and the Skins’ hopes of advancing to the divisional round of the playoffs.

[Read more...]

So Now What?

goodbye1Good morning, peasants.

It is with a great deal little bit of sadness that Detective Bunk Moreland and I have decided to pursue some projects not involving dick jokes or dick punching or the like, such as movie scripts, and TV pilots, and reality show ideas, and x-ray specs. Because of this, our little concern, heretofore known as “The Daily Dickpunch,” will cease to exist in its current incarnation once 2013 begins.

And between now and then, what with the holidays and decking the halls and me possibly breaking my ribs, maybe, we just aren’t going to be posting daily dispatches on the page you’re currently reading. So you’ll have to get your fix of dix elsewhere.

If you’re good — and you’ve been very, very good to us, to the tune of more than 65,000 hits over the year or so we’ve been making this a Daily Dickpunch — we’ll give you a winter break reading list to tide you over until the first of the year.

And sure, if something comes up that needs a-bloggin’, we’ll post it and you’ll see it on our Facebook or Twitter, and then you’ll read it, and then you’ll think about what might have been and what you might have done differently to keep this fate at bay just a little while longer.

And, because the good Detective and I are assholes, the first anyone is hearing of this is this very blog post, so to our intrepid reporters, thank you for your hard work and excellent writing; we couldn’t have done it without you. You’re always welcome to post more things while we’re on this break or during the start of the next phase, whenever that begins and whatever it looks like.

So, I say to you all: adieu. Have fun storming the castle.

The Morning Wood Recognizes The Gentleman From Kentucky

mitch mcconnell lolFriday, bee-yotches! Enjoy yourselves!

Politicks!
American Hero and U.S. Senator for the great state of Kentucky Mitch McConnell has, somehow, made the Senate an even more dysfunctional place than it was already.

“But how is that even possible Detective Moreland?”, says you.

“By introducing a bill weakening Congress’s power over the debt limit just to prove a point that Democrats don’t have enough power to pass it, getting outmaneuvered by Harry Reid, and then having to filibuster his own bill. Because he didn’t actually want his own bill to pass.

Because My Friend, the Tortoise from Kentucky was just grandstanding on the floor of the world’s greatest deliberative body.

Because Mitch McConnell is terrible”, says me. [Read more...]

Has The Morning Wood Got a Deal For YOU

Artist's rendering

Artist’s rendering

Your Morning Wood is nothing if not a dealmaker, people, so let’s be frank: when something comes along as good as this, we have no choice but to write it up and deliver it to your plate first thing in the morning.

I’ll back up. Have you ever wished to live in pristine wilderness and mountainy goodness? Ever wished you could shop within the confines of your own walled city? Need to find your chi in the backwoods of Idaho?

Do you hate Libruls enough that you’d completely cut all of them out of your life because they’re not nearly patriotic enough to be near you and your 8,000 Amurrkan flags, and would like to live a Librul-free existence?

Have I got a deal for YOU. [Read more...]

Happy Anniversary, Josh McDaniels!

lol later doods

lol later doods

Yes, you mindless sack, it’s your anniversary. Welcome to it. We’ve got some cupcakes over there, some champagne to celebrate. You don’t get to have any, because you are a fucking failure. A failure as a head coach, a failure as a person.

You’re a fucking doucheburger.

It was two years ago today that you were kicked to the fucking curb. Following the trading of a franchise quarterback, a franchise receiver, a very popular and allegedly hard-working scrappy runner, you replaced all of them with players who were not better, not close to better, in fact much worse. Then, in a move that will be remembered as the final nail in your coffin, you managed to completely shit the bed by taping a 49ers practice in London, kicking off a scandal that embarrassed the team, its owner, and its fans.

Nevermind that the team was a consistent threat to win the division every year prior to your arrival. Nevermind that the worst season in the last three decades came on your watch.

John Elway had to save us yet again from a fate worse than death when he sat in the EVP chair and started making decisions — good decisions — which positively affected the franchise after essentially weathering the storm you brought down upon it.

“Sure,” you say, “but did Elway draft Tim Tebow and Knowshon Moreno and trade a first for Alphonso Smith and give up a fourth for a blocking tight end who was rated as a 7th round prospect?” No, you twat, and that’s exactly the point.

Two years ago, the healing began.

Thank you, John Elway.

In the comments: Where were you the day Kennedy was shot McDaniels was fired?

Today’s a day for much celebration, and not just for shitcanning a terrible coach. No, December 5 has historical significance, for on this day in 1933, Prohibition ended.

See? Good day.

Almighty God Hath Smote Karl Rove’s Morning Wood

Simpsons Karl RoveGlory be to God, for it is Wednes Daye and the work week is almost half over. Soon our daily toils will cease temporarily for whole-some recreation, for rest, and for stricte observance of the Sabbath Daye wherein we shall stone loose womyn and disobedient children until dead, for Yahweh.

There is one man who will not reste so peacefully, however. Nay, this heretick hath turned away from the LORD and will surely suffer the consequences!

Known atheist politickal operative Karl Rove oversawe roughly $200 million dollars in soft-syde contributions from his variouse “Krossroads” electoral slush funds, and upwards of 96% of that moste preciouss bounty was spent in support of losing candidates, for shame.

Compare that withe the 96% elecktoral success rate for the notorious abortionysts Planned Parenthood, for the gravity of God’s anger towards the unbeliever Rove becomes clear. Our LORD’s implement on earth, Roger Ailes, has even banished the turd blossom from the ayrwaves of Fox Noise, a moste hellysh punishment in deede!

You there, hapless peasant. Stop scratching your genytalia and be ware of this fallen man’s example. Those who deny the one true GOD, his son Hesucristo, and the Holy Tebow are destyned for frustration in this life and damnation in the nexte!

On to the lynx, you pagan fools!

[Read more...]

The Morning Wood is on the RG3 Wagon

bitchesWell, that was something.

Giants/Redskins is always one hell of a game, with emotions on high and logic on low and people getting their knees destroyed, and last night was no exception to those very important rules. But holy hell, is Robert Griffin III the real deal or what? He’s more real deal than Real Deal Holyfield. More genuine than Ginuwine. And he may well be the best rookie in college football.

Sure, Andrew Luck is having a good season in Indianapolis, and both franchises are going to be very happy with their respective quarterbacks for a very, very long time. We know this.

But is Luck earning Rookie of the Year honors? Or will it be Griffin III? [Read more...]

Come And Listen To My Story About A Man Named Jay

So this past weekend, ESPN analyst Tom Jackson got up in arms about Chicago Bears Jay Cutler not saying hello to a security guard and that this proves the point that There’s Something About Jay Cutler, where it may be nothing but it’s still something.

And that prompted the likes of Awful Announcing to go into detail about what goes into the Extremely Stupid Pundit Narrative.

But in Cutler’s case, the narrative isn’t always about how Awful Announcing describes it — there are those guilty of making Cutler out to be better than he really is. [Read more...]

An Essay on Rhetorical Greens: Should the Bohn Salad be Tossed?

You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna pour another glass of wine and finish this god damn script. But you know what I’m gonna do before that? Procrastinate and give you a piece of my uninformed yet shockingly savvy CU Buff mind. How is this strange dichotomy possible you ask? Astute question, my cute little* Buff Fan.

It was bred into me, and no matter how many football games I ignored while shivering next to my dad at Folsom Field, I guess I absorbed something more than hot dogs and BeerSmell™, like this little tidbit: Paul McCartney knows what he’s talking about cause he’s been there, and he was pretty good at his job. Amazingly, same goes Bill McCartney.

Shocking, right? Here’s my two cents:

Seems a few of ya’ll think a bad couple seasons = bad coaching. How about we simplify things for you ladies? [Read more...]

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