The Misadventures of a College Snob


Gosh, and here I thought going to college was a good thing.

You may have heard that Rick Santorum — a college graduate himself, as seen above — recently said that the President’s plan to make higher education accessible to young people across the country made him a “snob.” Colleges are indoctrination centers for the evil left wing conspiracy, he said, and his supporters went ape shit with applause. Because education is now a bad thing, like healthy food in schools, because god dammit, if we want our kids to be fat, then we want them to be fat! And if we want them to be uneducated, that’s our business and STOP TELLING ME HOW TO RAISE MY TAX BREAKS CHILDREN!

I had the opportunity to go to college. I went to an affordable state school on a partial scholarship and was fortunate enough that my parents had the foresight to save for my education. (They’re snobs, too.) I also worked full-time when my financial aid ran out to stay in school.

I was also raised in a Republican household, Secretary of my school’s College Republicans my senior year, and wasn’t indoctrinated into anything (except a shitload of really good beer). It wasn’t until after I’d graduated that I became the godless heathen that you know and tolerate today.

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Previewing the Arizona and Michigan GOP Student Council Elections

The editors of this influential periodical treat the democratic process with all of the respect that it deserves. Which is to say, very little. Apparently the low-information voters of the Hate State (Arizona) and Michigan are headed to the polls to-day to choose the man who will bravely offer himself up as cannon fodder to the unstoppable force that is the Kenyan Prime Minister Barack Hussein Obama.

WHO YA GOT?

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Nerd Link of the Day: Single Tax Edition

Happy Monday, trolls.

Every once in a great while, but with increasing frequency, the inherent laziness of the editors of this elite publication comes to the fore, with the result that we do not have our original, award-winning* penis jokes for you at the appointed time.

In such unhappy circumstances we resort to tiding over our faithful, scarcely literate readership with links to complementary journalistic ventures that we hope (against all evidence) will raise your culturally biased intelligence quotients.

HowEVAH, there is occasionally a link worth promoting regardless of what we otherwise may have published (cheap jokes at the expense of the undocumented Space Lizard cabrón W. Mittens Romney, probably).

There is a movement afoot in our Beloved Mother Country to revamp the way in which the gubmint collects its revenue, so that it may continue to fund its unprecedented Big Brother security state with fewer distortions to the economy than its present mixture of income taxes, a hefty national value-added tax, and mineral revenue from the dwindling North Sea formation.

Economists will tell you until you fall asleep (after approximately eight seconds) that the best way to fund the government is to levy a tax that distorts the economy as little as possible, and then take care of all policy considerations through what is called the appropriations process, i.e. the decisions carried out through a transparent budget process to distribute the public treasury back to the people through public goods and services like education, healthcare, and national defense.

Currently the tax system in the U.K. falls far short of this ideal and it is far worse in the American colonies. However, political momentum is building to adopt the tax the econ-geeks have been banging on about for almost two hundred years: a direct tax on the value of land. Land taxes are vastly superior to income or payroll taxes on efficiency and fairness grounds, and the current economic circumstances may finally provide elected officials with the cover necessary to piss off some deeply entrenched interests that would be made worse off under such an arrangement.

The prospect of this gives your correspondent a raging, three inch Tebowner, because I am a nerd.

More  may be found at the Guardian and the Financial Times (registration for the FT is required, but free and worth it.)

Your correspondent somehow doubts that the level of the debate at the Gee Ohh Pee primaries will ever reach these lofty heights, but stupid is as stupid does. Stay tuned for a cockpunching preview of tomorrow’s HAWT action in the Hate State (Arizona) and Michigan.

*not intended to be a factual statement

COCKPUNCH EXCLUSIVE: Satan Responds to Rick Santorum

[Note: The editors of this venerated journalistic enterprise are excited to present to you this exclusive editorial from The Man Himself, the prince of darkness.]

Fellow Americans, good morning. Satan here.

Listen, we all know that accuracy, rationality, and ethics fly out the window during campaign season and it’s tough not to get caught up in it, especially if you are passionate about doing what’s right for America, as I am.

Like you, I am saddened by the tone of the 2012 GOP primary and how the level of the intellectual discourse leaves so much to be desired.

Like you, I yearn for the good old days when you could have a spirited debate with your neighbor about what was right for America without losing sight of your shared values and traditions, like lynching minorities. 
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Nerd Link of the Day: This Man Has More Sway Than You

Don’t feel bad. You’re just a peasant, and you knew that already. This man — Las Vegas casino mogul Sheldon Adelson — buys influence like you buy sweet, sweet chiba. Which is to say “often” and “at a dispensary discount.”

Now, I’m rarely one to promote USA Today. As someone who occasionally resembles a journalist myself, I find their layout offensive, their depth non-existent, and when I find it outside my door at a hotel, I wish that it was replaced with the Steamboat Pilot & Today.

As my Journalism adviser told me in college, “Television is for those too lazy to read the newspaper, and USA Today is for those too lazy to watch television.” He made a good point.

However, on occasion, they get one right and do a pretty good job. Yesterday was one of those times.

25% of all SuperPAC money is now coming from five rich donors.

You can read about the downfall of our nation HERE.

Brady Quinn Comes Out… Then Goes Back In

Wow. Huge week for Brady Quinn, who made himself a part of the national sports discussion for the first time in about three years by criticizing Tim Tebow that other guy on his roster that (sorta) plays the same position he does.

Talk radio was all abuzz yesterday discussing the big story in GQ written by Michael Silver, entitled The Year of Magical Stinking: An Oral [Ed. note: Heh.] History of Tebow Time.

Apt title. Oh GQ, you so cray cray.

Now the flames of Hell are licking at young Brady’s heels as he tries to run away from his insensitive awful truly overblown words. I know it’s Tim Tebow, and I know that any quotes, critical or otherwise, are going to be front page news in this town, but come on. He really didn’t say anything wrong, or anything we didn’t know.

Turns out that Timmeh is not very good at playing quarterback. The Broncos got lucky in a LOT of games last year. Pretending these two facts are not facts gets nobody anywhere.

Let’s break down what was actually said, separate truth from fiction, and go from there, shall we? [Read more...]

Go Ahead. Ask Mitt About That Dog One More Time.


Your humble correspondent is waiting for the day when W. Mittens Romney finally can’t hold back the thermonuclear-caliber rage that’s been building for months underneath that Vulture Capitalist haircut. Against all odds, he’s managed to keep that White-Hot Blast of Fury tamped down on the campaign trail, which he powers through with the pained smile of a man in the midst of an un-lubed prostate check.

How he does it is a mystery, like the Holy Trinity and the place where babies come from. If I spent every day forced to fondle random strangers’ screeching spawn and recite the same buzzword-stuffed stump speech with all the passion and conviction of a telemarketer on quaaludes, I’d be one bad week away from going all Texas Bell Tower myself. If only he’d definitively wrapped up the primaries in Florida, poor Mittens wouldn’t have been forced to keep interacting with—shudder—crowds of real human beings.

If anything’s going to make the Illegul Pinche Space Lizard raise his irritation level to DEFCON-1, though, it isn’t the prospect of another few months mud-wrestling Newt Gingrich for the nomination. It isn’t even the risk of exiting the Michigan primary splattered in Santorum. No, I suspect it’ll be the fact that the media keeps bringing up that fucking dog. [Read more...]

A Note From the Publisher of the Denver Post

RIP Woody Paige, 1946-2012

It is with a mixture of indifference, resignation, and meh that this newspaper must report the untimely demise of one of its own, our (until recently) intrepid sportswriter Woodrow Wilson “Woody” Paige.

A sad but well-known fact in the world of publishing is that modern sportswriters have a shelf life only slightly longer than those of the athletes whose irrelevant manipulations of a leather ball so captivate this nation of troglodytes (with the able assistance of the printed word, of course).  No, sports reporters just can’t hack it once the game no longer resembles the subject of their ancient cub reporting. I’ve seen it for decades and it’s almost unavoidable.

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How Lin-sanity Helped Me Understand Tebow-Mania

There has been no love lost between the purveyors of this site and one Timothy Richard Tebow. Living in Denver, I’ve been harsh on the man himself, his handlers for overexposing him, and mindless hacks like Woody Paige and, frankly, the rest of the Denver media for making one player — who isn’t even good yet — bigger than the entire team.

I know he’s a big story, but before we claim he’s the second-coming, can we see him play a good brand of quarterback for our team?

I get it: The story of Tim Tebow the person is bigger than Tim Tebow the football player. I understand and accept this as a fact.

However, as a fan of the Denver Broncos Football Club, as a former season-ticket holder, as a person has spent autumn Sundays watching this team for a quarter of a century, I’m extremely wary of over-hyped stories about my team. Which is why I give such a hard time to the media — local and national — for hyping Tim Tebow’s Tale.

It was all put into perspective for me this week, as the national media completely dropped Tebow as a story when their new darling, Knicks point guard Jeremy Lin, burst on to the scene. This Economics major from Harvard had come from NBA purgatory, having been cut by two teams after being undrafted. The stories nearly wrote themselves, and for the last week, it seemed there was no escaping his story.

Only this time, I was riveted. He’s a true underdog, a real “holy shit, where’d he come from” story. And I couldn’t wait to know more. [Read more...]

This Place Sucks.

The purveyors of penis jokes you’ve come to know and love, or at least read and call “moron” under your breath (yes, we heard that), have decided in our infinite wisdom to take a little bit of time and energy (and money) and make this site what we always wanted it to be: something that will pay all our bills and make us famous with a minimum of effort from said purveyors. Should be no problem, but it’s going to require a road map.

It is in this spirit that my hetero lifemate/totally not gay writing partner The Bunk and I head for warmer climes much like our inspirational trifecta of Horatio Alger, Davy Crockett, and the Donner party (hors d’oeuvres are at 5:40 – WINK) in search of something more meaningful. Sure, we could continue on the path we’re on — posting by 9am every morning (but seriously, you guys, no later than 10:30, mmkay?), Tebow-heavy content, dick jokes for all and the occasional over-the-top impersonation of celebrities — and be just fine with all of it.

But much like our hero Batman, we wish to be something more.

So, it is with excitement that I bring you the following Frequently Asked Questions, or FAQs: [Read more...]

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