Hi there. Do you know me? I’m one of your millions of viewers, readers and listeners that you say you’re here to inform. Now I know, you’ve got plenty of viewers of SportsCenter, and you’ve got plenty of people listening to Mike & Mike, and have plenty of people reading Grantland, so in the grand scheme of things, I’m not terribly important to you. You’ve proven this over and over again.
But this Tim Tebow obsession you seem to have is starting to take on a life of its own, and I think it’s high time you re-evaluated whether you’re going to stay “ESPN, The Worldwide Leader in Sports,” or if you’re going to change to “TSPN, The Tebow-wide Tebow in Tebow.”
Today, two days after the Super Bowl — which, I’m not sure if you know this, but was a game in which neither Tebow, nor his team, nor his college team played — in the middle of SportsCenter, which was once the flagship news program of the flagship sports news network, you showed a 5 minute preview of an exclusive interview, hosted by Hannah Storm, in which she asked truly ground-breaking questions. Like these:
“Why do you think you’re so polarizing?”
Tebow answered with the predictable, stating that it was a combination of his faith, the passion of Florida fans, and the passionate fanbase of a great organization like the Broncos. Gosh… it’s the same answer he’s already given in other “exclusive” interviews with ESPN in the past! I FUCKING HATE RERUNS! Good thing this is an exclusive interview and that Hannah Storm has been given leeway to ask the tough questions. I suppose they’ve already asked him what his favorite color is, and if he were a tree, what kind of tree he would be, though it would have been better if she’d asked what everyone really wants to know. Something like, “Tim, tell me have you ever really, really really ever loved a woman?”
“Were you singing during the Bears game?” Groundbreaking. Considering NFL Network had him mic’d up, and that his voice was captured on film while his lips were moving, I’d say that we didn’t need an “exclusive” interview to re-hash, once again, that sometimes Tim Tebow sings and sings poorly.
“Singing might be one of your faults,” Storm exclaimed, nary a hint of irony in her voice. Of course, if he was trying to make a living as a singer, he’d be laughed out of the room and his supporters would likely call the offenders “haters” and say they just hate him for his faith. Because that informs his lack of talent as a singer, you see.
Other things he’s terrible at: throwing a football, reading a defense, playing quarterback.
Meh. I’m probably just hating on his faith.
But wait, there’s more! Literally!
After the five minute interview was over, I was informed that tonight, at 10:30 Eastern, a SportsCenter Special will air titled “Tim Tebow: Face To Face.” That’s right, folks. Tim Tebow hasn’t been relevant to the NFL for about a month now, but we’re getting a SportsCenter Special to watch him talk to a geriatric in a short skirt.
Look, ESPN, I realize possibly better than most how good Tim Tebow is for viewers and page views. I get it. This column will likely be in triple digits before close of business today because a certain (idiotic, pious, likely drooling and/or lobotomized) segment of our population sees Tebow’s name and immediately must read to see if the golden boy is being maligned in any way. It’s low-hanging fruit, and I get that. But your constant haranguing of the Tim Tebow story needs to take a few steps back and take a breath.
Or you need to teach Tim to either say something interesting or truthful. When he’s asked why he’s so polarizing, he should say, “because I’m a 40% passer playing quarterback in a league that puts a premium on passer development and the ability to be accurate with throws, and you guys won’t stop talking about me, and because I am incapable of turning down an interview.”
Hey, I’d actually watch that.
ESPN, these words are mine, and they are from the heart: Fuck you. Fuck you for making me call you out on this, and fuck you for making me inadvertently write (again, I know) about Tim Tebow. Fuck you very much.