Morning Wood: Insomnia Edition

Oh hai!

Your correspondent is not in a mood to share this morning, his sleep having been burned at both ends by a late co-ed recreational soccer game and a cat possessed by Satan, respectively.

Here is what you should read this morning before resuming your daily toil. 

As we all know, God is a superstition and all prophets are false. But some people just won’t be told, so we’ll have to deal with churches and their flocks for a while longer. The Episcopal Church, the American arm of Elizabeth, Her Sovereign Britannic Majesty’s Church of England, has approved a new marriage-like covenant for the homos. That’s nice.

It is clear that one day, lesbians will rule the world. The Y chromosome is but a vestige of quaint biologic determinism, and will in time die out or be made redundant through fertilization technology to the benefit of society and the environment. You can help this process along by donating to LPAC, a new nonpartisan Super PAC that supports pro-lesbian political candidates.

Noted lover of Swiss chocolate W. Mittens Romney will give a Major Policy Speech at the 103rd annual meeting of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) in lovely Houston, Texas later to-day. In case you forgot, Herr Romney is a senior figure in a church that was officially racist until 1978 and continues to be functionally racist in the present day.

What a good sport that W. Mittens is, taking some time to talk to TEH BLAX. Maybe he’ll recite a few lines from Rapper’s Delight, to signal that he’s down with the soul brothas and sistas while wearing his mommy jeans backwards like The Kids, These Days.

With friends like the Fabulous Miss Lindsey Graham (R-South Carolina), who needs enemies? You may have read in the last few days that Mitt Romney parks a few squillion dollars of his blood money in offshore tax havens such as the Cayman Islands. Here I was, thinking that taxes are the price of a civilized society and the duty of all unwavering patriots, but no. Apparently, in Lindsey Land pushing the envelope of tax delinquency is as American as apple pie/mom/baseball/etc.

If you are a voter in the great commonwealth of Pennsylvania, you will soon be unable to exercise your democratic rights unless you can successfully calculate the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow.

An African or European swallow, you ask? Ni! NI!!!

In the latest “Europe is screwed” news, the Spanish government has announced a plan to raise its national sales tax by three percentage points in tandem with cuts in unemployment benefits and the salaries of civil servants. They are doing this in a recession where unemployment is inching towards 30 percent.

Good luck with that, Spain.

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