Mitt Romney Was For Morning Wood Before He Was Against It, and Lied about It

Avid jet skier Mittens “Mitt” Romney is in a spot of bother this morning, as confusion and controversy over the timing and nature of his tenure at Bain Capital dominate the news cycle. Check out the front page of the Huffington Post, the invention of noted deceased person Andrew Breitbart (and Al Gore) for all of the latest updates, none of which are helpful for poor Mitt.

At issue: whether Señor Romney retired from the venerated private kapital firm in 1999, or 2002, OH SO WHAT, WHO CAY-UHS?

Wellp, If Mittens was as busy saving the 2002 Salt Lake City Winter Olympiad from dysfunction as he claims now, then he would not have satisfied the residency requirements to run for governor of Taxachusetts, a magical happy land of Dunkin’ Donuts, sexually adventurous university students, and the FACKIN’ RED SAWX.

When His Lord High Hairgel was campaigning for governor, it was very much in his interests to maintain that he regularly attended Boston-based business meetings of Bain and its subsidiaries. But if that’s the case, the various campaign forces of Barry Obama would like to point out that Bain (and therefore Mittens) was complicit in “outsourcing jobs” during that period, whatever that means, to places where the indigenous people have brown skin, quelle horreur! 

It would be nice if the libruls could defeat Romney without resorting to economic fallacies and jingoism that only make the discourse more stupid than it is already, but “leadership” is probably asking too much in this scorched political environment.

Mitt Romney may or may not be getting Swift-boated right now, and it’s all his fault. There is some evidence that he was not managing at least some of Bain’s operations by 2002, but filings at the Securities & Exchange Commission appear to contradict any and all versions of events that journalists have been able to piece together from the very limited information the Romney campaign has divulged about his prior employment.

R-Money’s campaign staff thought it would be a good idea to antagonize the Boston Globe and demand a retraction of the story that started this little shit-storm, as if that would somehow make all of the subsequent stories in national newspapers vanish into thin air. The retraction was not granted. Good plan, geniuses!

Mitt Romney has the power to put an end to all of this, but that would require being forthcoming and straightforward about something, which is either impossible or not in his interests. Is Herr Romney so entitled that he thought he could commit a felony, just a little white lie to the SEC to help catapult him to high office? Or is he just desperate to ensure that his tax records never see the light of day? How could such a brittle, flawed candidate ever rise to the top of a hotly contested GOPee primary contest? Oh, it is because all of the viable candidates sat this one out.

Mitt Romney is the captain of the Ronald Reagan High School Junior Varsity Debate squad, and now he’s in a world of shit. Bammers Hussein and the forces of anti-imperialism have hung an albatross on the Romney campaign, and Fear and Loathing is ascendant. It is (hopefully) only a matter of time until Mr. Romney’s well-repressed alter ego ANGRY MITTENZ comes to the fore, to defend freedom you guys.

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