Happy Monday, you tools of the global kapitalist hegemony!
I don’t know what “hegemony” or “capitalism” really mean, but a hot girl on campus gave me a pamphlet deriding what those words represent and now I’m marching under a red banner. Not really sure how this is all going to end up, but I think the girl in dreadlocks has weed. Score!
I’mma go read up on some elementary Marxist criticism now. Then the college ladies will love me. In the meantime, here’s your morning reading. You’re welcome, America.
The appalling violence in Syria shows no signs of stopping, and may now be properly described as a civil war. As is so often the case, the members of the United Nations Security Council cannot reach agreement on what the international community’s response ought to be. This time around, the United Kingdom is arguing for economic sanctions enforcible through military action. Howevah, the Russians object, as they would do because Syria is a client state of the Kremlin and because UK-Russian relations are even more frosty than normal at the moment.
The Russkies have some legitimate points in this particular squabble, such as questioning the wisdom of linking an extension of the U.N. observer mission to the approval of new sanctions and the potentially perilous situation of ethnic and religious minorities should the Assad regime be toppled by Sunni Muslims.
The finance industry is relatively unpopular at the moment because of a list of sins too long to mention in this brief correspondence. The Grand Old Party, well known to have its fat fingers on the
throat pulse of America, will soon nominate a finance professional to run for the Preznitcy against the tyrannical Barry Hussein, his queen Michelle Antoinette, and their Reserve Army of the Unemployed.
What could possibly go wrong??
Mittens Romney probably isn’t a tax cheat, but he almost certainly made the full use of our nation’s labyrinthine income tax code to pay as little tax as possible whilst conforming to the letter of the law. In his case, it is worth paying five or even six figures every year to tax planning professionals to conjure up clever tax avoidance vehicles. That will never be true for any reader of this newsletter, or indeed for 98% of the taxpaying public, so it’s just too easy to paint what Mittens did as somehow unfair or deceptive.
Get used to seeing withering attack ads like this one for the remainder of the campaign:
Oof. In Willard’s defense, he nailed that key change. Believe in America, vote Romney.
Oh dear. It’s another day, which means another NFL star has been accused of a felony. This time, it’s the Denver Broncos’ man-beast defensive end Elvis Dumervil, who was arrested in Miami for alleged aggravated assault with a firearm. This sounds like a serious charge, so bond was set appropriately… at $7,500. Apparently the state of Florida is all ¡MEH, NO ME IMPORTA MANG! where gun crime is concerned, which may be a reason why Florida is terrible.
Seriously, no NFL player has any business being in Miami or Las Vegas, ever. Dolphins players don’t count, because they are not real footballers.