Morning Wood: Rhode Island is a Myth, like Canada and Jesus

The Bunk’s summer cottage in New Port, Rhode Island

By the time you read this, your faithful correspondent will be en route to the scenic Rhode Island and Providence Plantations, a small patch of land approximately one third the size of Weld County, Colorado, but with two United States Senators, ahahaha suckas!

Did You Know?™: Rhode Island was founded by the English theologian Roger Williams in the Year of Our Tebow 1636 as a safe haven from the tyrannical Pilgrims of the Massachusetts Bay Colony. Contrary to modern folk history, the Pilgrims were a sort of Al Qaeda with buckled shoes and silly hats and were expelled from England for being an enormous pain in everyone’s ass. If only someone with magickal powers (Barack Obama?) could fly back in time to warn the Wampanoag of the Pilgrims’ treachery, the world would be a better place today. Sort of like Terminator 2: Judgment Day, except this time Skynet succeeds in killing John Connor.

In my absence, the reins of this journalistic enterprise will be in the safe hands of Magic Sam until Monday. In the meantime, I will be too busy gorging myself on Dunkin Donuts, Coffee Milk, Del’s Lemonade, and Italian-American women of questionable legal ages to contribute to your enlightenment in the methods of Marxist dick jokery.

Peace out and enjoy some links, you indentured servants of crass commercialism.

Well kids, this was bound to “come out” eventually. In addition to being a Muslin atheist, a trojan horse for soshulism, the youngest member of the Weather Underground, an enemy of benevolent British colonialism, an academic fraud of Chaucerian proportions, a lieutenant in the Viet Cong, the Antichrist, the fifth Beatle, a coke fiend, a “liberation theologist”, the Man on the Grassy Knoll, a self-plagiarizer, a devotee of Charlie Manson, an Unamerican, a serial offender of marijuana-sharing etiquette, the Twelfth Imam, an Oakland Raiders fan, a Space Lizard from the Planet Zog, the Cigarette-smoking Man, a secret agent of the Pakistani Inter-Services Intelligence, the real-life Nicolae Carpathia, an illegal immigrant, and a lousy golfer, it turns out that yes, Kenyan Prime Minister Barack Obama is also a SECRET GAY.

Your trusty Wonkette knew all of this already, but then Jerome Corsi, Ph.D. and Endowed Chair of Crazy Pants at St. Jezebel College found out and alerted the psychotic right wing electronic echo chamber that Barry is quee-ah. Y’know, not that there’s anything wrong with that… except for his lying to Michelle Antoinette, his daughters, and the American People about it this whole time, GOSH.

Thank Gawd for Jerome Corsi, because the Demon-crap Party and the American People did not do a very good job of The Vettening of NoBama the first time around. But now, now they can read “Doctor” Corsi’s important books The Obama Nation, Unfit for Command, and Where’s the REAL Birth Certificate? to get the REAL FACTS* about Barry Hussein Soetoro Osama Hitler.

*not intended to be a factual statement

Last night in scenic Huntsville, the Republick of Texas put to death a man with an IQ of 61 in a sanitized version of stone-age justice. Marvin Lee Wilson was the seventh person to be executed in 2012 by the Texas Department of Criminal Justice, and he possessed the intellectual faculties of an elementary school student. At 54 years of age, Wilson was the oldest Texas death row inmate to be exterminated so far this year, the youngest being 29 years old.

In 2002, the Supreme Court of the United States ruled that executing the mentally impaired was unconstitutional. Critically, the court left it to the states to decide what exactly constitutes mental impairment. Which is only fair, because the smartest person in Arizona is dumber than persons in vegetative states at Massachusetts General Hospital. Therefore, federalism.

Because science is stupid and wrong, politicians in states like Texas and Georgia created standards for mental impairment that cannot be objectively satisfied. This keeps alive the bipartisan confederate tradition of executing imbeciles practiced so famously by then-Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton in 1992 on the self-lobotomized cop killer Ricky Ray Rector.

Your correspondent thinks it’s odd that proponents of the death penalty are so often self-described as being in favor of small government, when the power to kill citizens held in the state’s custody is the quintessence of state power. By adhering to bureaucratic bloodlust, the U.S. and A. finds itself in the company of freedom-loving nations such as China, Egypt, Iran, Iraq, North Korea, and Pakistan, something, something, EXCEPSHUNALISM.

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