The Morning Wood: ZOMG FOOTBAWWWWWW


My friends, draw near.

If you’re a football junkie like me, you can’t wait for Peyton Manning’s 16 snap (if that) debut tonight in Chicago. If you’re like me, you’ll watch four quarters, drink too much beer, and have to take a cab home from Vincent Casablancas’ house.

If you’re like me, and preseason football is the best you can get, you’ll gladly watch every minute. Hell, I spent last Saturday at Sports Authority Field watching a scrimmage — which, if I’m being honest, was mostly drills with a couple of honest-to-god plays run at the end — and I was one of 40,000 screaming people who attended.

Again, that was a scrimmage. Those 41k? They’re like me.

There are those who would have you believe that the Broncos screwed up by trading “biggest draw in the NFL” Tim Tebow to the Jets. Those people are morons, and they are named SportsBabe Brandi and they “write” for a publication called RBLSportsNet. If you want sourceless attribution and stolen content, facts that aren’t actually facts, or really poor writing style right out of the third grade, that’s your place. They’ll tell you interesting things, like that the “Denver media” says Pat Bowlen is “bleeding cash” (no source), that the Broncos “will be on the trading blocks at some point this season” (no source, and doesn’t really make sense), and that there was “big speculation” two years ago that the Broncos would be up for sale (no such speculation ever existed).

Meanwhile, in reality (and Denver): The Broncos just drew 41,000 people on a beautiful Saturday afternoon to see a bunch of guys in pads run drills. They chanted, they did the fucking wave, and they cheered for their team. The entire team.

SportsBabe Brandi and the “staff” at RBL is full of shit. Feel free to go there and laugh at them, or troll @RBLSports on Twitter. SO MUCH FUN.

I’ll be watching the real biggest draw in the league tonight (6pm Mountain on Channel 20, which is KUSA Channel 9′s “where we put our garbage and/or non-network programming” channel; outside the Denver area, NFL Network will run a replay of the game later, but I don’t know what time SADFASE) as the Peyton Manning-led Broncos (OMG CAN U GYZ BELEEV WE GOT TEH PEYTONZ??????????) take on the Chicago Cubs Bears at Soldier Field. New daddy and occasional cat Jay Cutler will be taking about 16 snaps for the Cubs Bears, so if you want to see some professional level pouting, you know where to turn.

Links:
Funny Ha Ha!
There wasn’t an anniversary to remind us, nor was there something that came up to bring him to front of mind, but yesterday Gawker posted a mini-documentary about Mitch Hedberg, one of the greatest comics of our era, and someone who was gone from the earth way too soon. The mini-doc focuses on an interview with his widow, Lynn Shawcroft, and his love of writing. And my, did he write. Special shout out to Denver’s own Adam Cayton-Holland, whose voice appears at the start of the film.

And if you’re interested in reliving anything from Mr. Hedberg, I’d recommend Youtube, as well as @MitchHedbot on Twitter.

If you’re a fan of Arrested Development — and you should be — you’ll get a boner (or if you’re a lady, a ladyboner) about THIS. I’ve GOT to know the reason for Tobias’ outfit. He really plays the part of an Analrapist. (No, no. It’s pronounced “an-AL-rap-ist.”)

Politickles!
Mexican Space Lizard and Occasional Taxpayer W. Mittens Romney is running a new attack ad, and this one accuses President O’Bummer of “declaring war on religion.” Because, you see, he’s “the other,” the guy who might be a Muslim and might be a Communist but WE DON’T KNOW BECAUSE SCARY BLACK MAN!

This was probably not the best tack for Mr. Romney, the Planet Kolob’s entrant into the Mr. Universe pageant from the province of Hairgel. Especially since, using logic, the United States declared war on religion in 1862 when it outlawed polygamy. Oops.

In other Candidate Mittens news, his campaign is getting destroyed by its own side, as one of Mitt’s advisers went on the TEEVEE to defend El Mitt-o from the latest attack on Bain Capital closing plants, saying that if the laid-off people had lived in Massachusetts, it wouldn’t be a problem. Because they’d still have healthcare. Only Romney’s campaign is supposed to be against healthcare for all because repeal and replace and what have you. Oops (again).

I’m not sure if I’m supposed to laugh at the idea of telling the truth being a gaffe, but fuck it. I’m laughing. And you should too.

So if you’re keeping track at home, Lying = Good, and Truth = Bad. Happy I could clear that up for everyone.

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