The Morning Wood: Paul Ryan Huh? Huh.

Over the weekend, your intrepid correspondent puttered along the coast of scenic Rhode Island in a rented Toyota Yaris, an “economy car” that is apparently powered by petroleum-sipping hamsters running on a flywheel. THAT’S CUTTING EDGE JAPANESE INNOVATION.

Howevah, the car’s handling left much to be desired and the braking performance might as well have been Yours Truly pulling a Fred Flintstone. Several otherwise innocuous traffic lights became white-knuckle ordeals whereby I was spared the shame and financial liability of a rear-end collision only by the grace of Timothy R. Tebow, an imaginary winged beast with the body of a hall-of-fame NFL fullback, the arm of a Florida high school QBee, and a mind deluded by visions of grandeur.

Whilst carefully negotiating the turns of Route 1 in my clown car, I couldn’t help but thinking of Yackity Sax, the theme music to the Benny Hill Show, now with bonus Pedobear action!

Hoping to drown out this dreadful mental racket, I tuned in to the Southern New England affiliate of National Soshulist Public Radio only to hear the smarmy disingenuous speechifying of Paul Ryan (R – Wisconsin), who according to Lord Touch-of-Gray™ W. Mitt Romney is our next Preznit.


Freud says there are no mistakes, and Mittens is correct in thinking that Herr Ryan will sooner be President himself then second-in-command in a Romney administration, so there.

Team Romney/Ryan made the announcement of their grand alliance against That Kenyan Hitler Barry Obama in scenic Norfolk, Virginia beside an old, useless decommissioned battleship called the U.S.S. Wisconsin. That’s good symbolism there, boyz. I hope their advance team remembered to hang a banner proclaiming “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED” across the control tower.

It was a pretty shocking choice of backdrop, especially for two politicians with zero experience serving in the military. To be clear, there’s nothing wrong with a candidate pair bereft of military credentials, and the first national ticket without a Protestant is progressive in its own way. But can GOPee politicians take even a five minute break from pandering to the freedumb-exporting National Greatness chickenhawk wing of their party?

I guess not.

Here is the full text of Representative Dan Quayle Paul Ryan’s prepared remarks, courtesy of the Washington Post. Some comments:

According to Mr. Ryan, ‘Merica is the only nation to be founded on an idea. This notion is irrelevant, narcissistic, and above all false. There is this pervasive mental block among conservatives when it comes to France, the land of liberté, egalité, and fraternité. The French Republic’s founding ideals are indistinguishable from the U.S. and A.’s, and on the whole they live those values better than we do.

Does that last sentence make you vaguely uncomfortable? If yes, you could be a district captain for your county’s Republican Party! Call 1-866-4-NOBAMA to join the battle against Barry Hussein’s creeping welfare state, and then punch yourself in the face.

The French have some serious issues of their own, but it’s now almost impossible to deny that the median household there has a more healthy, secure, and fulfilling existence in France than its stateside counterpart. This is an empirical statement that can be verified with all manner of economic, demographic, and public health statistics, but don’t tell your local GOP elected official or his/her head will explode with rage. The fact that a social democracy can outperform vulgar kapitalism is in violent opposition to their prefabricated worldview and leads to sudden-onset Tourette’s syndrome, so brace yourself.

Furthermore, China and the Islamic Republic of Iran were also founded on “ideas”, but I guess bad ideas don’t count. If this was the only time Herr Ryan insulted the intelligence of the ‘Merican people during his remarks, the editors of this newspaper could laud the Congressman for outperforming his peers. However, by claiming to have “the courage to tell the truth”, Paul Ryan’s troll status was duly confirmed.

There is nothing even remotely truthful about Paul Ryan’s beloved budget proposal, in which the fastest growing line item is interest on the national debt. There is nothing truthful about Mittens’s evasions regarding the federal taxes he probably avoided paying for a decade, and unless something changes in a hurry, that Benny Hill Show theme music will become the unofficial anthem of his low-brow comical candidacy.

The last fellow who spoke truthfully about the vice presidency was the dead whiteboy who asserted that it wasn’t worth a bucket of warm piss. In that respect alone, Paul Ryan is the candidate we’ve been waiting for.

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