The Morning Wood: The Worst Thing You Can Do


I made a big mistake this weekend, you guys. While catching up on sports, politics and other subjects for this-ah here bloggy blog which I bring to you from the relative comfort of my mother’s basement (The Bunk works in his grandmother’s basement; FUN FACT: Bloggers are incapable of being a) employable or b) homeowners), I quite unfortunately ventured into the comments section of a website we all know but which shall remain nameless (it starts with an H and ends with an UFFINGTONPOST). There, I found all manner of humanity, spraying humanity like so much jetsam and flotsam in outer space.

Most of it didn’t make sense. Much of it had nothing to do with the topic at hand, and that was true on almost every article I came across. The articles roughing up the GOP had comments instantly mocking the President; those calling into question the President’s actions were met with scorn from those on the left; and articles about celebrity happenings were received with calls of “who cares?” and “why is this a topic on a major website?” and petty disagreements framed as factual assertions. It was really quite something.

I weep for the future.

How anyone can be 100% certain about anything without giving any thought to the issue whatsoever is absolutely baffling to me. The point of life, according to these mental midgets, appears to be to stake out a position, use language that makes your opinion intractable even in the light of new facts, and attack anyone who might disagree with your all-knowing bullshit.

Frankly, it’s what is wrong with our politics in this country. We hold ourselves to be so far above those who would run for office and hold office, and yet we spend our workdays impersonating them in a digital sense so we feel, I don’t know, a sense of purpose, I suppose? As if someone is going to read an internet message board, be so wowed by your attack on President Obama’s birth certificate that they’re going to pull the lever for Romney in November?

It makes us sigh. I feel like the news would be better if there were no comments sections in the mainstream press.

Sports message boards can stay though. If I can’t call Jay Cutler a cocktard from the comfort of my own home, then I don’t want to live anymore, you guys.

The links:
Politickles!
Super-serious and legitimate runner-for-office guy Todd Akin (R-Missourah) found himself in a bit of hot water this weekend, stating that abortions in case of rape or incest aren’t really an issue because lol “legitimate rape” victims don’t usually get pregnant. Definitely don’t get roofied because your body might not know you were legitimately raped (but you were totally asking for it wearing that top). Then later, naturally, “LOL JK I misspoke!” Nothing like some victim-blaming to put you in good with the barefoot and pregnant (by illegitimate rape only) set.

Need to know if your rape was legitimate, but didn’t bring along Uncle Ted with his notary stamp? Don’t you worry, Re-Todd Akin has you covered, and Wonkette is your huckleberry.

In more “the GOP is totally concerned with the best interests of all Americans” news, an Ohio election official from the Grand Ol’ Opry Party believes wholeheartedly that them black folk shouldn’t have the same early-voting opportunities as their white counterparts. Actual retarded quote alert! “I guess I really actually feel we shouldn’t contort the voting process to accommodate the urban — read African-American — voter-turnout machine,” Doug Priesse said in an email to the Columbus Dispatch Sunday. “Let’s be fair and reasonable.” Yes, let’s be fair and reasonable, Doug. Everyone with dark pigment gets to line up and kick you square in the balls. That line forms on the left.

Are you ready for some dipshit!? Hank Williams, Jr., who made headlines last year when he attacked the President for being Hitler (because of course he did), is at it again. Now Obama is no longer Hitler, he’s just a Muslim who “hates farming, hates the military, hates the US — and we hate him!” Evidently the mouth-breathers in Iowa just ate that shit up. ‘Merica.

Enjoy Monday as well as you can, people. Mlle. Gottbach will be along shortly for sharing time.

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