DDP Exclusive: The Benediction of the 2012 Republican Convention

MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR:
♫Come, come ye Sons of Arte,
come, come awaye!

Come, come ye Sons of Arte,
come, come awaye!

Tune all your voices and instruments playe
To celebrate, to celebrate this triumphant daye!

See Nature, rejoicing, has shown us the waye,
With innocent revels, with innocent revels to welcome the daye!

The tuneful grove, and talking rill,
The laughing vale, the replying hill,

With charming harmony unite,
The happy season to invite.

What the Racists require,
And Fox News doth inspire,

Is at once our delight and our duty to pay.
Thus Nature, rejoicing, has shown us the way,
With innocent revels, with innocent revels to welcome the daye!

THE RIGHT REVEREND HERP DERPSON: Glory be to God, His son Jesus, and His prophets Joseph Smith and Saint Timothy of Thiebaut, for the Assumption is close at hand!

In scarcely sixty hours Willard, Lord Mittens of Romneyshire will be gloriously anointed as the standard bearer of the Grand Olde Party, Emperor of Real Amerika and Her Over-seas Military Realms, and Defender of Theocracy against the godless Islamic hordes and their creeping sharia-infused SOSHULISM.

Lo, for we live in dark times, and in more ways than one! Such un-American sentiments as health insurance for the deserving POOR, equal treatment for SODOMITES, and reproductive autonomy for WOMEN threaten to cast our divinely entrenched interests into an existential PERIL. Indeed a PERIL manifested so completely in the illegitimate regime of the noted Musselman interloper Barak Husayn Ubamma, Prime Minister of British Kenya, that benighted pagan backwaters of DARKEST AFRIKA.

It matters not that His Lord High Hairgel was not initially in God’s favour, because His ways are truly mysterious. In deede, we believers must care not a jot that Mittens was at times outshined during the primary battles by a lactose-pushing minstrel peddling the Inverse Mark of the Beaste, a gluttonous, phylandering pseudointellectual, and a sworn agent of POPERY!

God has tested us mightyly, perhaps almost as mightyly as He tested Job. Four years under the yoke of an occupation spearheaded by a devotee of false Mahomedan prophesy have cast a pall over all the land that will not soon be lifted but for a great exertion of godly work ethic and AUSTERITEE. These Republickan values, which are in diametrick opposition to the profligacy and idolatry of UBAMMA, are exemplified by the Mormon hero Romney and his deputy Ryan, whose intellect is so powerful that he can juggle the seemingly contradictory demands of PAPISTRY and OBJECTIVISM without breaking a sweat!

Now is the time to rallye behind the Romneyan COLOSSUS and let petty quarrels fall by the wayside. Our dispute is not with one another, not even with the cannabis-inhaling heretics in thrall to the Pied Piper of the Autonomous Republick of Texas. It is with THAT KENYAN, the aggravator of all our earthly imperfections!

The duel scheduled for the Tuesdaye after the First Mondaye in Her Majesty’s Novembre will be the single most important election in the long history of the Second American Republick, until the next one! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

Therefore LET US PRAY, in the name of Almighty God and His Implement on Earth, the Mexican Space Lizard W. Mittens of Romney:

O GOD, who art seated comfortably in Heaven with JESUS at His right hande and TEBOW at his left:

Give us the strengthe to vanquish the blasphemers, pagans, and loose womyn;

Give us the credulity to accept whatever it is that our Betters in the Party instruct of us;

Give us the courage to cast Barry HUSSEIN and his Zulu Army of Unemployed Browne People out of sight, and out of mind; and

Give us the skill to re-paint the White House WHITE, for LIBERTEE and FREEDUMB, RAMEN!

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  1. [...] Rock ‘n Roll! Last week in scenic Tampa, Florida, the organizers of the Republican National Convention had underrated Irish rock band Thin Lizzy’s 1976 hit “The Boys are Back in Town” piped onto the convention floor, presumably to get the invited Catholic priest PUMPED UP to confer the day’s benediction. [...]

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