Misleading Your Morning Wood

All three of our readers demand and deserve top-notch political reporting from The Daily Dickpunch, and with each new day we strive to make that happen. And if you’ll recall, The Bunk promised that if anything interesting should happen to happen at the Republican National Convention™ for Jesus®, we would cover it live when we wake up and wipe the sleep out of our eyes.

Well, something happened, you guys. P90X enthusiast, champion of austerity and the guy who pushed grandma off a cliff, Paul Ryan, Wisconsinite and Vice Presidential Candidate, spoke.

He spoke of President Barack Obama’s failed leadership, the promises he made to keep a GM factory open in Michigan (which subsequently closed), of the blame the President put at the feet of the prior administration, and then admonished him for not supporting a deficit commission report.

Wow. I mean, he really took it to the President on a whole host of levels, and really bruised him up pretty good.

Until you look at the facts. That GM factory? It closed in 2008, when George W. Bush was still (a re-elected!) President. Oops. That deficit commission report? Paul Ryan voted against it in Congress, helping to kill it. Uh oh.

Ryan also discussed the United States losing its AAA debt rating, and how that was President Obama’s fault as well. Except that, in the report filed by Standard & Poor’s, the agency that downgraded the debt in the first place, the debt rating being lowered (and the subsequent fallout in our own economy) was a direct result of the thermonuclear war over the debt ceiling, childish games being played with people’s lives, waged by — you guessed it — Paul Ryan and Republican congressmen.

You can almost excuse one misstatement. Two would be pushing it. This many flat-out wrong statements, and you’ve got to look at it for what it is: that Paul Ryan is a dirty fucking liar who will do anything to get elected, because he’s a dickhole.

Don’t believe us? I don’t blame you; after all, we’re a hate-filled filth rag that already has people across the country praying for our souls. HowEVAH, there’s a whole list of folks taking Ryan to task for his out-and-out lies. You should read some of them. Please note that among them are Bloomberg news and Fox News Channel. So… yeah.

On with the links:

Politicks!
Of course, none of this about Ryan is particularly surprising, after a Romney Campaign aide came out and said, in the librul media, that they refuse to “let the campaign be dictated by fact-checkers.” Because deluding the people into voting for you is just as good as having better ideas than the other guy. Of course, this is the GOP, so we really can’t expect that.

Just before Mr. R-Ayn took the stage, Former Secretary of State Cunnilingus Condoleeza Rice took the stage and blew those derptards away. Of course, to those of us with working brains, her speech should have come with Paxil… shaped like a mushroom cloud… but still! Way to choose the wrong VP, Mittens! Also, apparently, she had lipstick on her teeth, and assholes on the internet (hey, that’s us!) took notice. Something something on a pig! HAHAHA, HIGH FIVE!

If you want to relive every moment of history-making dumbfuckery that happened last night in Tampa — which is basically just a hairy armpit with some strip clubs sprinkled about — read Wonkette’s exceptional live blog from the night that was. You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll probably laugh again.

Sport!
Hey, you guys remember the other day when I talked about the NFL replacement refs and how they were awful and how they were ruining the sport I love to spend all day Sunday watching and screaming at the TV? You DO? Well have I got a yarn to spin with you good people. NFL replacement ref Don King (yes, really) seems to be in a little over his head. You know, if by “a little over his head” I mean “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GOODELL, BRING BACK THE REAL REFS OR I’M GOING TO SLAP YOU IN THE STUPID GINGER FACE WITH MY OVERGROWN SCROTUM, YOU RAT-FACED PIECE OF SHIT.”

Making the poetry of this moment twice as sweet, just before that happened, Goodell — he of the “I think they’ll do a credible job” statement — announced that we can expect to see the replacements to start the season. Joy.


I guess that’s all for today. The Bunk will be along shortly to make you feel dumb by using big words that go completely over your head. Oh, that only happens to me? Oh. Fine, then.

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