The Morning Wood Enjoys Long Walks, Bill Clinton, and FOOTBAW

Happy Thursday, menial servants of the One Percent! The morning air is crisp, the leaves are beginning to fall, and your correspondent is feeling the urge to put Type O Negative’s October Rust album into heavy rotation.

Glory be to Allah and His prophet Muhammad (Praise Be Upon Him), for it’s football season! Between FOOTBAW and a tasty general election matchup between Bammerz Hussein and Lord Touch-of-Grey™, this weblog’s busy season is now upon us, so buckle up and read some linkz!

Reading is Fundamental!
An analysis by the Humphrey School of Public Affairs at the University of Minnesota has provided further support to what people who think independently have long been suspecting: At this moment, the Democratic Party is the party that treats voters like grownups. At the RNCee last week in Tampa, Florida, Ann Romney’s speech was written to a 5th-grade audience while Magic Sam’s crush Michelle Obama’s address two nights ago in Charlotte was at the 12th grade level.

All of this is by design: campaigns optimize their messages to motivate the bases of their respective parties to work like hell between now and the 6th of November to get their ticket elected. In 5th grade, I had great hair but I certainly didn’t have enough of a grasp of politics and economics to be an informed voter. I’m willing to bet that at least two of our three readers didn’t either.

Between rampant, demonstrable falsehoods about Barry Obama and a platform totally devoid of substance, ignorance reigns mightily in the party of Ralph Carr, and Dwight Eisenhower, and Teddy Roosevelt, and Lincoln.

Bill Clinton Still Has It!
In a speech slated to last 28 minutes, former president Bill Clinton stuck a knife into the campaign of W. Mittens “Mitt” de Romney and twisted it masterfully for 48 minutes. With an effortless command over the attention and emotions of 18,000 people in the Time Warner Cable® Arena and several million viewers at home, Mr. Clinton made the case for four more years of Obama’s anti-colonialism better than the administration itself has been able to manage, and he unpicked each of the GOPee’s convention talking points largely by appealing to arithmetic.

Here’s the entirety of Bubba’s speech.

The reaction was swift and bi-partisan. Top Republican strategist and political operative Alex Castellanos said on CNN that Clinton’s speech sealed re-election for the president. Jennifer Rubin, the in-house troll over at the Washington Post Company, pissed and moaned irrelevances and non-sequiturs and something, something, ISRAEL as she tends to do when confronted with reality. HOWEVAH, since Jennifer Rubin would insist that the sky is green and the grass is blue if Bill Clinton said the opposite, we can be sure that the wily old fox still has it.

FOOTBAW! Sweet, Precious FOOTBAW!

Isn’t it weird that every passing year seems to fly by a little more quickly but the NFL offseason feels longer? I am going to wake up tomorrow, it will be January 4th and my Warshington Redskeeins will have gone RG3-13 to send the #2 pick in the 2013 draft to the St. Louis Rams. Fuck my life.

I was hoping for a scoreless draw in last night’s 2012 NFL opener between the Noo Yawk Football Giants and the Dallas Cowgurlz at MetLife Stadium® in scenic East Rutherford, New Jersey, or at least a plague of locusts infected with syphilis. In the end, I had to settle for a 24-17 victory for Dallas, with electrifying wide receiver play from Kevin Ogletree and Dez Bryant and surprisingly few moments of DERPitude from quartered back Tony Romo.

Be sure to tune in for Sundee Night Footbaw, where Peyton Manning is likely to throw his 400th career touchdown in the unfamiliar bright orange of the Denver Broncos Football Club.

Comments

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