ZOMG FOOTBAW BETTING

We got a little taste of the sweet nectar of NFL football on Wednesday night, when a regular season game was played between the Cowboys of Dallas and the New York Pretty Big People. And while the game itself was alright — a bit boring for our taste, and after taking an informal poll, The Bunk and I switched over to Bubba Clinton’s epic takedown of the Republicans — there’s nothing in this world better than watching your own NFL team play in a game that counts.

Okay, so there is ONE thing better. Betting on your own NFL team in a game that counts. These are the bets we’ll be making this week with our less-than-legal book maker (pick in bold):

@Chicago (-10) over Indianapolis
As I stated in my Five In, Five Out column, and as most people around the league realize, the Bears are going to be really good this year. I don’t think Indy starts to hit their stride until week six or so. Give the points, and take Chitown to win outright.

Buffalo over @New York Jets (-3)
Buffalo should surprise people this year, and at the start of the season they’ll be healthy and ready to beat a division opponent. The Jets are horribly overrated. Also, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Tim Tebow.

@Green Bay (-5) over San Francisco
This line seems a bit high, honestly, but I just wonder about Green Bay’s offense and what they can do to a San Fran D that was absolutely shredded in the passing game against Denver. Aaron Rodgers + excellent pass catchers + Alex Smith starting at QB for the Niners should = a seven point win (at least) for the Pack. Give up them points.

@Detroit (-7.5) over St. Louis
The Detroit defense is very very good. The St. Louis offense is very very bad. This, dear friends, is the closest you’ll ever get to printing your own money. Also, Ndomokong Suh may well tear off Sam Bradford’s head and then roll around in a pool of bloodied fake grass, the end.

@Denver (-1.5) over Pittsburgh
The Yinzers are at less than 100%, with injuries to RB Rashard Mendenhall, lineman David DeCastro, and James Harrison announced on Twitter that he’ll be a game-time decision. No pass rush + Peyton Manning generally = a win. And if The Ben’s wife goes into labor he may well be in Pennsylvania to watch it happen. Essentially, a 1.5 point line is Vegas saying “yeah, we don’t know either,” but I think we know. I think we all know.

Enjoy the games, everyone. We’ll see you next week. If you need me, I’m crawling in a whiskey bottle tonight and won’t crawl out until sometime on Monday morning. Cheers.

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