Morning Wood: NFL Opening Weekend

Well, friends, football is back. Some of us (me) were absolute gluttons for it yesterday on the couch, drinking up each game as if we were thirsty and wandering through the desert, and football was our water. Or something like that.

If I may torture the metaphor further, baseball season has been like the sun, beating down on us mercilessly, as we traversed our sandy soon-to-be graves in search of the shade of preseason football.

So, to wrap up a metaphor that I sincerely regret using in the first place, baseball is the awful sun, preseason football is like shade to a thirsty man, and then regular season football — featuring the debut of one Peyton Manning in Denver — is like water. Get it? Let’s just move on.

Peyton looked great. Missed on seven passes all night, threw for two touchdowns, was hit a few times and popped right back up, and in the end had a defense that won it for him when cornerback Tracy Porter picked off a Ben Roethlisberger pass and took it to the house to effectively end the game. OH, and then Von Miller grabbed two sacks and the D grabbed a third to finish off the Steelers in Denver.

Here are some thoughts:

1. Peyton has not had a defense like the one he has now. Not ever. Not in Tennessee, and not in Indianapolis. The back end is not great, specifically when you’ve got a quarterback like Roethlisberger who can move around, keep plays alive, and throw to anyplace on the field. But this pass rush? The opportunistic corners? The fast linebackers, and the solid beef up front? Peyton’s never had a weapon like that.

2. Elvis Dumervil needs to show up. Soon. Miller was being double-teamed all night, leaving Dr. Doom in one-on-one blocking, which he should absolutely be able to defeat. However, Elvis had left the building and made no impact on the game whatsoever. That’s got to change.

3. The Broncos schedule looks a lot less tough than it did before last night’s game. This is not to say that there won’t be challenges, that it won’t be hard. There will be, and it will. But when you take it to a good team with good coaching and a good quarterback the way Denver did to Pittsburgh last night, that rocky road looks a lot smoother going forward.

It would appear that the hopey changey thing express train to SOSHULISMS is back on the tracks, you guys, as President Obama’s August fundraising totals topped The High Lord Hairgel Sir Mittens of Romney for the first time in a couple of months. Now let’s watch as fans of the robotic Presidential candidate tell us that it doesn’t matter, even as they told us for the last several months that it mattered a ton. Lol, Republicans are just the best.

Of course, Mr. Romney has enough battles to fight already, most of them with himself. This weekend, he justified leaving the troops out of his convention speech because they didn’t make the “laundry list” of things to talk about. Probably because they’re not “important.”

Whoever is controlling the Romney Joystick (NOT the one located in his MAJIK UNDERWEARZ, you sickos) really needs to get him out of his own way. This is just embarrassing.

The next time someone tells you that a banker “earned that” or “made that” or “isn’t responsible for the entire financial system collapse combined with plummeting home values that left your correspondent’s house worth $20,000 less than it had been purchased for mere months prior,” you tell them to shut their dirty whore mouth. It seems Wells Fargo needed to foreclose on a house near LIB ANGELES (high five, teabags!) and, well… they got the wrong address. So instead of cleaning out those shiftless squatting hobos on the government dole, they cleaned out the home of some tax-paying REAL™ AMERIKANS®, threw all of their belongings away, and then apologized. But they TOTALLY meant that apology, you guys.

That’s all for today. Enjoy your Monday, wage slaves. The Bunk may not be in action much this week, due to a shoulder injury he earned in a Turkish bath house soccer match yesterday, so… be patient.


  1. [...] Magic Sam mentioned earlier this week, your correspondent had an unfortunate mishap with an anatomically incorrect sex toy on the soccer [...]

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