You might be asking yourself, “Self, why would Magic Sam do a picks column before week 1, but not again until the start of week 4?” You may continue, “Christ, that guy is fuckin’ lazy.” Well, first of all, get all off my jock, mmmkay? You really wanted me handicapping teams AND replacement refs? Un-fucking-likely.
Remember earlier this week when a couple of sports books offered to give money back to people who had bet on the Packers on Monday night? I woulda let ‘em rot; if you’re willing to gamble on these replacement refs after what we saw in the opening weeks, you deserve to lose all of your money. I’d prefer it if you’d just give it to me, but I digress.
It’s going to be an interesting week, and even with the real officials back (seriously, you guys, I may have teared up a little last night when the fans in Baltimore gave the real refs a standing O as they came on the field. Maybe. A little) we may see some missed calls. I don’t think it’ll be on the level of the last three weeks, because a donkey with his head up his own ass would have seen better than those fucking people.
“Oh be nice, it’s not their fault!”
Shut the fuck up. The picks:
BRONCOS (-6.5) over Raiders
Two 1-2 teams play each other, so why is the spread nearly a touchdown? Because the Raiders are… how do I put this… they are… oh yeah, they are NOT a good football team. They’ve got a rookie head coach, a questionable offensive line, a quarterback who was overrated 6 years ago, and a very questionable defense. They should be able to keep it interesting… for about a quarter. But I’ve got Denver by at least 10 in this one, especially playing at home and having lost to the consensus two best teams in the league the last two weeks by a combined 6 points.
Dolphins (+5.5) over CARDINALS
Cards are 3-0 for the first time since horse-and-buggies were a thing, and are playing at home. They look tough, and even managed to beat New England in Foxboro a couple weeks ago. I know this. But there is one fact that is simply inescapable about these Cardinals, and that is that KEVIN KOLB IS THEIR FUCKING QUARTERBACK. Additionally, the Phins have looked downright salty lately, and I think that while they may not win, the Cards may have to struggle to pull one out (heh) with a last second field goal.
Bengals (-2.5) over JACKSONVILLE
You know how the NFL pregame shows do those human interest stories on players in the league? They’re always like, “and Kenny Mayne visits with James Harrison. See how the NFL’s sack master lives life at home. Next.” I’d really love to see them do one on Blaine Gabbert where the tease is, “At home with the NFL’s worst quarterback. See how Blaine Gabbert lives with himself after stealing a job from Michigan Man Chad Henne, and learn about his plans for a sex change when his NFL career ends in two years. Next.” I think that the honesty would really drive the idea home.
Sunday Nighter: Giants (+1.5) over EAGLES
Eagles haven’t looked good. Giants have. When in doubt, look at the two quarterbacks and the two running games. When you compare the two teams with those two facets, the team that comes out on top in each wins 78% of the time according to a statistic I just made up.
Monday Nighter: COWBOYS (-3.5) over Bears
Jay Cutler looks a mess, because Jay Cutler is not a good quarterback. Even with his favorite wide receiver (Brandon Marshall) and best beer drinkin’ buddy QB coach (Jeremy Bates), he’s looked like an interception machine (what else is new?) and a whiny little bitch. About everything. Maybe it’s his blood sugar, or maybe he’s just an asshole. I’ll go with option B.
On the other sideline, Tony “No” Romo hasn’t looked great either, outside of week 1. Still, though, with the Cowboys’ improved secondary, I see Cutler throwing at least one pick, probably two, and that’ll swing the game and keep the Cowboys ahead of the spread.
Enjoy the games, y’all.