Last night was the final game of week four, and seeing that there are only 16 regular season games for each team in each season, we’ve now reached the point where you start to realize that our time with football is really short.
Really, painfully, horribly short, like my uh… yeah nevermind.
Soon, our Jay Cutlerfucker jokes won’t be funny, and no one will laugh at our #NoRomo hashtag on Twitter. We’ll have to cease with the Peyton NeckAIDS jokes, RG3-13 references, and calling Tom Brady an entitled fuckstain (whose life we would very much like to have).
Our chances to make fun of the Discount Double Check commercials are fleeting; let’s make some hay. (By the way, is Green Bay THAT shitty of a place that everyone on the Packers, as well as Green Bay natives, just hang out at the State Farm Insurance offices? Seriously? Food for thought.)
I don’t mean to alarm anyone, but the fact is that the end is extremely fucking nigh. We’ve got to make the most out of football season while we are locked in its warm embrace. We must tell it that we love it every chance we get, lest we reach the middle of January and left it wondering about our feelings.
“But Magic Sam,” you’re saying, “How do I make the most of my football experience before football is gone for another long offseason?”
I’m glad you asked, little shaver. I’m glad you asked.
“But gambling is wrong,” says you. “My mother told me I shouldn’t gamble.” Yeah, well what did I tell you about listening to your mother? That you should probably do it when it comes to practical matters but NEVER WHEN IT COMES TO IMPORTANT SHIT LIKE FOOTBALL, GOD DAMMIT.
You need to lay some bets. Take a flyer on some team. Put down some prop bets (You’d have made some good money if you’d put a few bucks on the Pats/Bills being the highest scorer of the weekend, as well as the Pack scoring 31+ against the Saints), and then watch the games with renewed enthusiasm.
Remember: It’s only gambling if you lose.
2. Play Fantasy Football
I don’t understand those people who don’t play. The Bunk doesn’t play fantasy, but plays something called Fantasy Premier League, which is for soccer. Soccer! What the WHAT?
Don’t get me wrong, I love watching soccer as much as the next red blooded ‘Merican man. But Fantasy Premier League? You can’t even watch all the games! how can you see who’s up or who’s down, who’s playing well or who’s playing badly? BAD FORM, THE BUNK.
Fantasy football is a game within the game. You’re up, you’re down, you’re tied, you’re happy, you’re sad. Nothing can bring up the level of morale on a team where your real team loses like a victory in fantasy. And yet, on those few days where my real team wins and my fantasy team loses, I remain unaffected. It’s a win-win situation every week!
3. Seriously. Gamble, god dammit.
What do you mean you’re out of money? YOU’VE STILL GOT YOUR WEDDING RING. Oh, you don’t? That’s unfortunate.
Well, you’ve still got the deed to your house!
4. Watch every game you can.
This weekend, I was sick, so I had an excuse to sit around the house in my skivs, watch every game on the tube, and when the Jets/Niners game turned into a laugher, I flipped over to the RedZone channel and continued to win at life. I would recommend all parts of this, except for getting the demon cold virus that is slowly killing me from within.
I watched the morning game. I watched the Broncos in the afternoon. Watched Football Night in America, followed by the Sunday Nighter, and then watched Monday Night Countdown (with Chris Berman; I really wish someone would kill that fucking gasbag) followed by MNF.
And do you know what that experience taught me? Nothing. It taught me nothing. Learning is for nerds and children and nerdy children.
5. Go to a bar.
You’re surrounded by women, beer, and football. You can yell and scream with people wearing the same colors as you. You can drink copious amounts of beer and eat enough food to kill a small- to medium-sized Asian family.
What’s not to love?