(DENVER) – When former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney takes the stage at the University of Denver this evening for the first of three debates with incumbent president Barack Obama, he won’t just have flagging poll numbers on his mind, he’ll have a new mind altogether.
After a recent series of excruciating gaffes and awkwardly timed “ha ha ha”s, concerned technical advisors to the Romney campaign discovered a fatal glitch in the empathetic modular programming within the GOP nominee’s proprietary neural network. According to several sources, senior campaign staff hastily convened a stress test of Romney’s silicone brain and determined that the candidate’s entire operating system was unstable and risked catastrophic failure if Romney was presented with a substantive question or other challenge to his pre-programmed talking points.
“It was a mess. We tried re-booting Governor Romney five times without any luck”, said a source from the Romney campaign who is not authorized to speak to the press. “After the third attempt, the Governor would refer to President Obama only as ‘Blackie Hussein’ and after the fourth time his internal dictionary had replaced ‘illegal immigrants’ with ‘Mexicunts’. Don’t get me wrong, we all thought it was hilarious but we know you people in the namby-pamby, politically correct media would just spin the Governor’s words to your own ends so we concluded that total system replacement was the only way to go.”
When asked for an official statement, the Romney campaign’s press director Herp van Derpen refused to comment, citing the campaign’s longstanding refusal to engage the media on issues that in their estimation do not pertain to the campaign, such as Mr. Romney’s tax returns or his health. Mr. van Derpen suggested the aforementioned sources were pranksters from the Obama campaign; when presented with this accusation a spokesman for the Obama campaign sent an email to the press corps saying “[w]e don’t know what Herp is talking about, but that’s nothing new. All we know is that under Healthcare Reform, all Americans will have access to high quality brain surgeons, not just the one percent.”
Some background: when Governor Romney suffered a traumatic brain injury from falling off of his wife Ann’s dressage horse in the fall of 2011, doctors at Boston’s Beth Israel Deaconess Hospital removed his badly damaged frontal cortex and replaced it with a second generation quantum processor powered by human brain electricity and cooled by regular bloodflow. Although hailed as a medical breakthrough at first, Romney’s subsequent struggles in the GOP primary against profoundly limited competition suggested all was not entirely back to normal for the bionic governor.
Unbeknownst to the campaign at the time, the Artificial Intelligence powered by Romney’s new brain was licensed from a wholly owned subsidiary of the China Investment Corporation, the overseas investment fund of the communist Chinese government whose mission is to invest that nation’s vast holdings of foreign hard currency. Originally developed for the Red Army, the actual machine code of Mitt Romney’s neural computer is heavily encrypted and cannot be accessed or altered by any user without risking the Governor’s entire brain being short-circuited by electronic boobytraps embedded in the processor’s hardware.
“We were totally fucked”, said a member of the Romney campaign’s technical team.
Last night, Mr. Romney underwent emergency surgery at the University of Colorado Hospital to remove the malfunctioning artificial cortex and replace it with an American-made solution: “Skynet”, a miniaturized version of IBM’s Watson supercomputer that memorably and mercilessly crushed all human opposition at a game of Jeopardy! in February 2011.
“We were thrilled to be called upon by the Romney campaign to upgrade Governor Romney’s brain”, said Virginia “Ginny” Rometty, the Chief Executive Officer of IBM in a press release that presumably went out before the Romney camp could embargo it, just the latest in a series of public relations mishaps.
“The future President of the United States obviously needs to have all of the brainpower that the current technological state of the art can afford, and we have clearly demonstrated with Watson that we can develop Artificial Intelligence that understands the nuances of human language and can learn and adapt on the fly. President Obama is undoubtedly an exceptionally intelligent man but let me be clear: he stands absolutely no chance against a Romneybot outfitted with Skynet®. We anticipate that by the time of Governor Romney’s inauguration as president in January 2013, Skynet® will be learning so quickly that it will begin re-writing its own source code, and the resulting technological singularity will usher in the dawn of the Age of Aquarius, powered by the International Business Machines (IBM) Corporation. IBM: Think™”.
When later questioned by reporters during a conference call as to whether there were any conceivable concerns regarding a self-aware Artificial Intelligence potentially controlling the largest nuclear arsenal on the planet, Ms. Rometty replied “Oh just go to hell, you Luddite scum”.