Debateatron 2012!

Thanks for playing, kids. And if you’re sitting out there, drunk, alone in a media room… hang on, that’s me… Wait.  No. I mean… IF YOU’RE AFRAID. If you don’t know where the bus is going, just that it’s probably going to stop REALLY SUDDENLY, causing you to jerk your neck really hard, and omg doesn’t that just make your head hurt? Yeah, so. If you feel that way about America… This is for you.

Zombie kitten is STILL adorable. Seriously, that could do a bunch of bath salts and eat my face off ANY TIME.

It’s gonna be ok. Seriously. It’s all gonna be ok… (Except Medicare. That is totally fucked)

Nite folks!

8:30PM: Oh wow… I totes just figured out what bugs me about Romney… he’s a millionaire who I just could NOT imagine doing a couple of rails off a stripper’s ass. And that’s just WRONG, people. What’s the point of having all that money if you’re just going to sit around being white, fleshy, and BORING???

My live stream has just died. I guess this is the sign off. It’s probably for the best. Not even spell checker is going to keep me from looking like Tara Reid circa 2002… I love you all. No really man, I LOVE you. *sobbing* I just…. I just LOVE you guys.

8:29PM: Obama is hitting all the high points in his closing. He’s laying out a summary of all his points. It’s cohesive, well done. I’m drinking tequila from the bottle. I’m soooo puking after this.

8:28PM: Coin toss sounds so dirty. SPIT IT OUT, SOCIALIST.

8:26PM: Omg. Wtf is Romney talking about?!?! hahahahah This is the beauty of DrunkBlogging a debate. Is it just me? Or was that total jibberish?! This is what I heard:

OMG

8:24PM: Holy shit. Romney just pulled out Solyndra, accusations of cronyism in grants (already been debunked), AND death panels in the same response. My frontal lobe just popped out of my right nostril.

8:23PM: Obama was a little overbearing with his “Romney is an elite snob” argument. Oh. But Romney came out like a bitchy Oligarch, so I think it’s neutral.

8:22PM: Has anyone ever noticed that Romney looks like he’s wearing a human suit?

8:20PM: Romney doesn’t believe in cutting the military y’all. Despite the fact that we spend more than the next 19 countries spend on theirs… combined.

And that was some word salad from Romney. That the elderly should be cared for by others, but not the government (because there are ZERO old people out there that don’t have family to take care of them). And… food stamps! Black guy and food stamps! What a stupid, ridiculous argument.

Also, Romney wants the states to control education, and he sort of agrees with Duncan. But charter schools! And uh. Busing? Honestly, I don’t even know wtf the dude was saying, it was positive/negative so that each sentence was neutral and gibberish. Budgets reflect choices. That’s a really good zinger.

Speaking of zingers, Romney’s been practicing zingers?! What zingers?! Boom. Obama slammed Romney on his total lack of details.

8:15PM: Yeah. 2 minutes. That’ll happen. Obama makes the excellent point that 1) He’s the boss, and we’re still here. 2) The government should make sure shit works. I think this answer is a little off target. Lincoln! 3) SOCIALISM (roads and schools rock!!). Excellent point though, that opportunity is the water lifting all men, like, in boats. Dude. I should be a speech writer. See what I did there with the man in the boat? Wait. I think that went somewhere I didn’t intend…

8:10PM: Obama: Death panels are bullshit, you’re lying about your plan, and also, Romneycare. Eat it, Mittens. Just eat it. Rub it on your face, then eat it. I need to get my manservant to refill my GoGoJuice.

“No one can be proper and etiquettely all the time.”

8:06PM: Dude. This is just crazy. I know I’m biased, but I really think Obama is winning this debate.

Obama makes the excellent point that buying insurance over state lines won’t help people already sick, and it’s not 50 million people who’ll be uninsured if Obamacare gets killed. It’s 72 million. And seriously? When everyone is dropping dead from ebola and diabetes, who the hell is going to don that Hooters T-Shirt and bring a white guy a motherfucking beer?! AMIRITE??

I NEED A CIGARETTE.

8:04PM: Massachussetts elected a lying weather-vane who tried to charge the disabled, blind, and sick to avoid raising taxes. Seriously y’all: http://www.romneyfeeforall.com/

And also, DEATH PANELS.

Yeah. Bipartisan. Thanks, Mitt. I just bipartisaned all over myself like a dirty, socialist whore.

8PM: I’m loving this debate. Like. I want to rub myself all over the live stream. I’m loving that Obama is outlining all the GOOD things Obamacare does. It’s personal to me. The type of cancer I have requires me to take a pill everyday to suppress regrowth. In effect, I take chemo every day for the rest of my life. I like knowing that I can get my chemo if I lose my job, and I’m totally ok with a mandate to ensure that.

And also? Romneycare.

7:58PM: Yes. Let’s hear why you’re against Obamacare. Healthcare is too expensive (Obamacare offers subsidized insurance for those who can’t afford it, btw). Romney is saying the cost of insurance has gone up. Nope. And he’s repeating the Medicare lie. Jesus. OH MY JESUS GOD IN HEAVEN DEATH PANELS. Romney just went Full Retard, y’all.

7:56PM: Wow. I’ve got a little lady hardon for Lehrer right now. “Let’s get specific.” Yes, lets.

Obama: You rich fuckers ruined everything, and we let you because we removed the regulations. Well. Not on my watch! I’m committed to putting into place some admittedly tepid rules that you will promptly get around. Oh yeah, and also? The bank bailouts were paid back. So yo, you guys think we were too mean to the Richies?

Romney: Facts! Which aren’t actually facts! He’s cracking on Dodd-Frank giving a blank check to the big banks. Side note, Ryan voted FOR the bailouts, and AGAINST oversight of the money given to the banks. And also? WE broke the economy by losing our jobs and not selling our asses to pay our underwater mortgages. Just saying.

7:51PM: You know what would be really good right now? A big cup full of BENZINE. Jesus, I’d like some Benzine. And y’know why? BECAUSE REGULATIONS! AND FREEDOM

7:50PM: ROMNEY SHUT UP. YOU’RE GONNA KILL LEHRER!

7:46PM: I really hope you guys are watching this instead of just reading my drunk ass (mmm… store bought sushi is SO GOOD. I must be bombed now…) Obama is making a VERY good argument right now, explaining the so-called “Premium” Medicare option Romney offers. He’s really nailing Romney on this issue. Hitting all the bases, touching on the prescription doughnut hole. ALLA Y’ALL CAN KISS HIS STEAMING HOT TELEPROMPTER.

And Romney just repeated the lie Obama debunked. He’s just repeating the lies. I get it now. He’s betting on people simply trusting him more than Obama. Very risky plan. And I’m sure you would LOVE to have a private company Mittens. With your millions. The idea of someone like my mom, who has no retirement, nothing saved, and is a manual laboror…. out in the open market. That scares me.

Obama is giving a very quick and dirty breakdown of the profit motive. It’s factual, but this topic is done and dusted.

7:41PM: Oh, they become CONCERNED Romney? What do they do? Do they “cling to their guns and their religion?”

Naaah. You old people? Y’all are fine. BUT. Your kids are fucked. Oh yeah, and now I’m lying. Fact: Obama got the providers to AGREE to the lower rates. With the extra business from the mandate, they make up the difference. And Medicare Advantage doesn’t work. It’s not needed. Oh yeah, and also? Ryan’s plan cut the SAME $716 billion, except it uses that money to give tax breaks to the wealthiest. Obama reinvests it in Medicare to pay for preventative care.

GO GET HIM, BAMMERS.

7:41PM: OOoohhh… “Hi. I’m Barack Obama, and I didn’t grow up a rich jackass.”

7:40PM: I’m glad Obama is talking about the Romney/Ryan Medicaid cutting plan. Romney is saying that $2.8 billion to oil companies is nothing, but… didn’t he just say PBS was toast?!

Wait… wait wait. Romney wants big oil to pay 25%, and then the oil subsidies are “on the table?” DOES ANYONE WANT TO BUY MY ASSHOLE?!?!? SERIOUSLY?? $3,000. $3,000, and you can have it, because seriously that’ll be how I afford Ramen and the air I’ll have to buy when Exxon-Mobil has free reign. It’ll be like Mad Maxx… but with everyone selling their asses.

Oh, and cheers Romney. Love a millionaire cracking on the government for defining how we care for our elders. GRANNIES LIKE CAT FOOD.

7:35PM: Corporate Jets, Barry? Weak. True, but weeeeak. Yes. Tax breaks for outsourcing and off-shoring. THAT is a good point. We should give breaks for jobs HERE.

Ooooh… nice pivot to college loans… nice. Smooth.

7:33PM: I’m going to need a lot more tequila is Romney is just going to keep on talking noise.

7:31PM: Simpson-Bowles? Uh. That thing my Veep killed? I’m ForNotFor it.

7:30PM: Oh Mittens. None of you GOP types gave a shit about the debt when you were starting wars and cutting taxes. Wow. Eliminate PBS. That’ll save like… $40. Kill anything that isn’t “worth it” for borrowing. Shrink government through attrition? Um. Ok. Doubled the deficit… you know how he did that? By putting the Iraq and Afghanistan wars IN the budget. Bush didn’t finance the wars through the budget!

Obama responds, “Y’all fucked all this shit up. Thanks for that, srsly assholes, thanks.” He’s detailing cuts they’ve made, talking Medicare waste, talking the (factual) largest cut in discretionary spending in like… six million years. And bewm. Check out my website.

7:26PM: How the hell can you say it’s never been tried?! Trickle down economics has been the GOPee RULE since Ronnie!

7:22PM: Actually, I think it’s 39%. And I love that Romney counts gas and state and sales taxes when talking about tax hikes, but doesn’t count any of those taxes when talking about dirty brown people. Obama returns us to the big numbers. $7 trillion, and that’s from the CBO y’all. So far, other than some mild petulance, Romney is more cohesive than usual. Trickle down ain’t working!

Also, in the interest of full disclosure… Clinton got the surplus by raiding the Social Security trust fund. Sorry, I know. I hate myself too. It’s why I drink.

7:20PM: It’s nice knowing I’m smart. Even when I’ve got enough tequila in me that my face is as red as a baboon’s ass.

Good God Mittens, STFU. RULES, richy, rules.

7:17PM: Bammers is removing the pivot. He’s bringing it right back to the topic and…. oh yeah…. oh God, there it is… Jesus look at that smug, condescending little smirk on Romney’s face… I think I just GOPee’d all over myself. Obama is laying out some numbers, just touching a bit on income disparity… BOOM. Romnus Interuptus. So I guess the answer to my biggest question of the night (how will Romney handle the lies?). The answer is, he’ll just say “Nope. I’m not lying.” What a twat.

He’s not going raise taxes, but he’s larding another $7 trillion onto the deficit. How will this be revenue neutral? Because the safety net will be bled dry.

And side note? Those SMALL BUSINESSES that are being stifled by the tax rates? They’re not *really* small businesses, and they’ve had historically low tax rates for 13 years now. Where are the jobs?

7:14PM: No tax… cut…? But. I’ve read that… but he’s… HE WANTS TO DROP CAPITAL GAINS TO 0%. He’s blaming imaginary food inflation on Obama… Oh yeah I forgot, Obama caused the drought. Nice pivot Mittens. Tax cuts to education, nice. And he skated right over which loopholes he’d close to pay for additional military spending and richy tax cuts. Hint: there aren’t enough. And clean coal is made of bullshit and fail. Damn this is a good margarita….

7:10PM: We’re only 10 minutes in… and Bammers is going all DETAILS up on your ass. Renewable energy, boosting manufacturing, all in all, pretty cogent arguments. BOOM, $5 trillion tax cut, how you like me NOW, Mittens?!

7:07PM: Happy Anniversary honey. Sorry I couldn’t take ONE NIGHT OFF, but y’know. Leader of the free world and shit.

Smooth B, Lover Man is outta the gate! Strengthen the middle class, everyone pay their fair share, talking points about the good stuff he’s actually done. Pretty much what I expected.

R-Money… made… a joke?! Personal anecdotes, woman trying to sell her kid to Ann for strategic blood-drinking purposes. Sorry hang on… He’s NOT cutting taxes for the rich? What? Energy Independence (coal & drill baby drill) and wealth re-distribution crap. Trickle down? WTF year is this?!

7:05PM: Oh look. Romney has whiteface on for this…

7PM: Blah blah blah people, come on. My buzz is hearty, show me some sexy manflesh! And also, Romney. Oooooh… RULES people… we gots some rules…. No noise, no tri-corner hats (that’s not a rule, they’re just really stupid).

Thus begins the decline. Get your drinks in hand, and let’s get this gay show on the gay road!!

Trackbacks

  1. [...] note: You can find Mademoiselle Gottbach's brilliant live-blog here.] Share this:EmailFacebookTwitterPinterestLike this:LikeBe the first to like this. Filed Under: [...]

  2. [...] will be live-blogging the proceedings beginning a few minutes beforehand; do have a look at her memorable improv performance during last week’s Presidential Debate wherein the humanesque Mitt Romney bamboozled Barry [...]

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