Happy Friday, lesser deciles of the forty-seven percent!
If you’re going to plagiarize your school essays, you would be well advised not to get your material from a boutique penis joke emporium like The Daily Dick Punch. That is surely the academic equivalent of the Darwin Awards, you guys. Your professors know how to use Google, and the written voice we employ on this site is unusual, to put it mildly. Our sentences will not mesh with yours, and whereas you might risk a slap on the wrist for being too loose with your paraphrasing of Encyclopaedia Britannica, you will surely be expelled for polluting the learning environment with this filthy web site.
This week, there were four (4) instances of someone Googling an entire sentence from an article we posted back in early June about the weakening foundation of ‘Merica’s failed War on Drugs:
- “one day, our beloved federal gubmint might adopt sensible policies towards marijuana and other narcotics”;
- “we could very well see several pieces of legislation passed, up to and including decriminalization of marijuana at the federal level”;
- “yes, we now live in a country where a majority believe that ‘eh, the homos, i guess they’re ok’ and ‘eh, marijuana, it’s not as bad as alcohol’. are we all dutch now”?”
- “it appears that marijuana was close to a non-factor in this race, as señor o’rourke downplayed it while an increasingly desperate rep. reyes tried unsuccessfully to tar his opponent as soft on drugs.”
If you were the one who tried to pass our vulgarities off as appropriate for your sociology seminar, guess what? You are now proper fucked. Send a recap of your abject public humiliation to email@example.com.
Aside from the ruination of once-promising collegiate careers, here are the highlights of the week’s search terms, each of which were registered more than once:
- “Ball grab wrestling” – Seriously, what is this?? And why does Google send searches for gay torture pR0n to our blog??
- The obligatory “Tim Tebow’s dick” – Sorry boys, Tebow is a Christian™ so you’re going to have to gaymarry him before you get to see Little Timmeh.
- Did you know?™ This blog is on the top page of Google Search results for “Mittens Romney”. Our moms must be so proud.
- “Sad Mittens” – We all know that Mitt Romney’s Skynet® processor can imitate human emotions, but cannot actually experience them.
- “Mitt Romney LOL” – You mean I can lie for 90 minutes and the librul media will call me a winner for it? LOL.
- “Peyton Manning’s hairline” - AHAHAHA oh wait, I haven’t had hair since 2004.
- “Roger Goodell lynching” – Thass… raycess?
- “Sir Alex Ferguson troll pic” – I used to think Alex Ferguson was a troll, but really he’s just a genius. Don’t make Sir angry though. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.