The Morning Wood: One Month Til Salvation

I’ve got some great news, you guys. We’re a month out from the election, which means that we’re one month from High Lord Hairgel Sir Mittens of Romneybot being elected as Supreme Commander of The Poors, Middle Classes, and Especially The Rich, which means we’re one month away from the economy magically righting itself thanks to the Stormin’ Mormon’s shiny NEW POLICY FOR AMERICA WHICH IS TOP SECRET, FOR SOME REASON.

I don’t know about you, but I’m totes excited.

Here’s how I look at it: you know that rush you get from gambling? You put all your chips down on the table — on black, if you listen to Wesley Snipes as I do — and your heart pounds as you watch the ball rolling and bouncing around in the wheel, uncertain if you’re about to become rich and therefore curry favor with the Republican Party of Jesus Dollar Sign Christ, or if you’re about to enter a life of dead-end prostitution wherein you sell your body on the streets to pay for food for your 27 illegitimate children.

Since we don’t know what Mittens’ policies actually are, what they’d do, and since he keeps changing his mind about what his tax plan actually does — is it a cut across the board? Or is it not? WE DON’T KNOW EITHER — every single day will feel like a night in Monte Carlo Atlantic City. Sure you’ll be dirty, and broke, and smoking 10,000 cigarettes while waiting for your life to end in either a hail of gunfire or a back-alley dumpster, but won’t it be exciting?

Place your bets.

The Links:
Politiks!
Obviously, when you have a foreign-born President/Prime Minister as we do, and when he’s as anti-American as anything you’ve ever heard of (mostly because of his skin, u gyz), you have to guard against being taken for a fool. Because he’s “foreign” and therefore “untrustworthy.” Which is why, I guess, alleged “journalism person” Erick Erickson attempted to defraud the Obama campaign by using a fraudulent credit card (oh, you don’t HAVE extra credit cards just lying around with which to entrap a Presidential campaign? That’s most unfortunate for you) and learned — wait for it — that the donation was REJECTED. Stone-cold, Man-does-not-fly-in-the-House-of-Mutombo-type shit.

But wait, there’s more!

Evidently, it wasn’t the Obama campaign that rejected the donation… it was his bank! According to the research he didn’t conduct, the phone calls he didn’t make, and the studies he didn’t, uh, study, BARRY BAMZ IS NOT ONLY A MUSLIM TERRORIST AMERICA-HATER BUT ALSO IS GETTING CAMPAIGN DONATIONS FROM HIS HALF-SIBLINGS IN KENYA LIKE EVERY SINGLE DAY, YOU GUYS.

We’re through the looking glass here, people.

Also, you misheard Mitt. He was totally wrong about his 47% comments, didn’t mean it at all, and please baby won’t you take me back? Ike love you, baby.

You know who would never do that? The Hockey Mom/Pit Bull/Snowbilly Grifter, Sarah Palin. Of course, she’s busy wasting away to nothingness, so she won’t really be an issue for anyone before too long. Perhaps her weight drop is only due to her concentration on her forthcoming fitness book (that has neither a publisher or a release date), Puke Yourself Thin And Get Your Horrible Daughter on TeeVee.

That’s it for me today. Unlike yesterday, The Bunk will be along shortly (for real this time, you guys) with some thoughts on baseball and something called the Baltimore Oreos. Sounds delicious.

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