Joe Biden Has Morning Wood For Paul Ryan’s Female Relations

Youse guyz,

Handsome Joe Biden (D-Amtrak) and Freddie Munster Paul Ryan (R-Ayn) will face off in an epic debate about foreign and domestic policy tonight at 9:00 Eastern / 7:00 Mountain Time. These historic proceedings will be moderated by ABC News’s Chief Foreign Correspondent Martha Raddatz, who we can only hope will manage better than the hapless Jim Lehrer.

Our own Mademoiselle Bébé Gottbach, Ph.D. will be live-blogging the proceedings beginning a few minutes beforehand; do have a look at her memorable improv performance during last week’s Presidential Debate wherein the humanesque Mitt Romney bamboozled Barry Bamz with lies, damned lies, and statistics.

The format will be nine segments beginning with a question from Frau Raddatz, two-minute responses from each candidate, and then a discussion. Here’s a preview of the proceedings:

Martha Raddatz: I’m asking an important question about foreign policy. Gentlemen, you’re both aware that the United States’s internal politics, which are frequently described as dysfunctional, can have massive effects on the lives of ordinary people all over the world due to America’s enormous population, economy, global interests, and military. Sober sentence about the art of diplomacy and the inherent intrigue and complexity of foreign affairs. Bland neutral statement that appears evenhanded but presupposes that America’s foreign military empire is a good thing. Pointed question about a recent event that put USA America in a tough spot overseas.

Representative Ryan, you’re up first.

Representative Paul Ryan (R-Galt’s Gulch): Something, something, ISRAEL. I will now shamelessly pander to rabid Christianists who want to save the Jewish state from Muslins so they can destroy it themselves. Colonial settlements in the West Bank are more important than apartheid, therefore vapid statement about America supporting its strategic allies which presumes that Benjamin Netanyahu is one of them. More dog whistling to Israel-Firsters.

And that’s all I know about foreign policy Martha, so I’m going to pivot somewhat awkwardly to tax policy, about which I know even less but pretend otherwise. I made a Very Serious Budget Proposal which will never see the light of day, even if Miffed Romney is elected president with a Republican supermajority in both houses of Congress. That’s more than the Democrat Senate can say, which I will remind you is presided over by the man on stage with me tonight. I will keep it simple and not mention that the Senate can’t pass a budget because of nakedly cynical obstruction by my own party.

Martha Raddatz: Um… OK. Mr. Vice President, over to you.

Handsome Joe Biden: Thanks Martha.

And thank you, Representative Ryan, you’re correct: I AM THE MAN. I’ve been crushing pussy longer than you’ve been alive and don’t you forget it, you slimy little fuckstain. If this was any other country, you would be an insignifiCUNT member of a permanent parliamentary minority. American exceptionalism!

Martha, when you serve on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee as long as I did, there’s nothing new under the sun that never sets on Occupied American Territory. In fact, this reminds me of a speech I once gave to His Majesty King George VI’s parliament at another time of grave challenges to civilization:

Even though large tracts of Europe and many old and famous States have fallen or may fall into the grip of the Gestapo and all the odious apparatus of Nazi rule, we shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender, and if, which I do not for a moment believe, this island or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our Empire beyond the seas, armed and guarded by the British Fleet, would carry on the struggle, until, in God’s good time, the New World, with all its power and might, steps forth to the rescue and the liberation of the old.

Martha Raddatz: No. Just no Mr. Vice President. That was Winston Churchill.

Paul Ryan: Even I knew that, silly.

/laughter from the audience

Handsome Joe Biden: No it wasn’t.

Martha Raddatz: Um yeah pretty sure it was.

Handsome Joe Biden: Churchill totally plagiarized that from me.

Martha Raddatz: Oh Jesus Christ.

Paul Ryan: Hey I love Jesus! I love Ayn Rand! I LOVE ISRAEL!

Martha Raddatz: I hate you all. Goodnight.

And… scene.

If you’d like to read preview after preview of tonight’s proceedings, we will give you links so you may do that. Later. SMILEYFASE.

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