Bet The House!

Oh man, gonna be a big weekend. As always, the records show the good teams and the bad teams, but unlike most years some of these “bad” teams are actually pretty salty, losing by few points each week and managing to hang tough when things start to get out of hand.

Not to ruin the surprise, but we’re taking a bunch of dogs this week, so if you play your cards right (and if the trends continue) you should be able to make some money off your filthy, disgusting bookie. Or as I call her, “Mom.”

On to the picks (Home teams in CAPS):
BROWNS (+2) over Bengals
Cleveland has been a bad, bad team for a long, long time. So has Cincinnati, though they’ve gotten it together in the last couple of years, and that’s been really nice for those racist fucks in that shithole city. Also, seriously, stop putting chili on spaghetti, you inbreds. Good lord.
ANYway, Cleveland is improving seriously and quickly. They’ve got a salty defense. They’ve got a young quarterback with a strong arm (who still makes too many mistakes and isn’t really that young, but I digress). A rookie running back who is simply running over people every game. And they lost by three points in week 2 at Cincy. Now they’re at home and are playing some of their best ball, and they’re getting two points? Bros. BROS. Take the home team.

Colts (+3.5) over JETS
The Tebow circus is in full swing in the modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah, and it’s really starting to fuck with Mark Sanchez, not to mention Rex Ryan. Ryan is holding firm that Tim Tebow is not the quarterback of that football team, but this is what that self-serving dingleberry signed up for when he traded for the young Christian fullback. So now he has to deal with the fallout.
Meanwhile, in the land of shit that is Indianapolis, the Colts’ head coach has been diagnosed with Leukemia, and the boys in blue played lights-out last week, first taking the Packers to overtime and then finishing them off in the extra session.
And they’re GETTING 3.5 against the Tebow Experiment? Pfft. Take the Colts.

Vikings (+2.5) over REDSKINS
This line makes no sense. The Redskins aren’t playing particularly well, and a concussed Robert Griffin is not going to help matters. Conversely, the Vikings are playing extremely well. I’m baffled, honestly, that the Redskins have this advantage, given that there’s nothing gained by playing in a giant, soulless stadium in the middle of fuckall nowhere Maryland. Vikings win outright. My hope lives for the RG3-13 nickname to catch on.

Sunday Nighter:
TEXANS (-3.5) over Packers
What’s this? A home favorite? Texans are a better team, playing their best ball of the season. JJ (s)Watt could block 29 passes this week, and it wouldn’t shock me. Also, that stadium of theirs is legit. So’s their offense.
All in all, I’m taking Houston by a touchdown.

Monday Nighter:
Broncos (+1) over CHARGERS
San Diego won’t even sell out a Monday Night game on the west coast for their division leading team playing a division rival that boasts Peyton Fucking Manning on its roster. And you’re expecting me to consider them favorites, Vegas? Well you go to hell. You go to hell and you die.
Broncos by 10. Oh, and the over/under is 49.5. You might want to bang that over like a drum, too.

Good talk, gang. We’ll see you out there. Enjoy the games.

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