[Editor's Note: Here, reproduced in all its boozy glory, is Mlle. Bébé Gottbach's strong take on last night's 2012 Vice Presidential Debate in which Handsome Joe Biden told Paul Ryan (R-Holy Roman Empire) to STFU and GTFO.
Here's the debate in its entirety:
It's Friday, so have a drink or six before lunch and celebrate this festival of democracy.]
HEY AUDIENCE, SHUT UP.
Right. Got my drank. Got my livestream. Got my crappy attitude and sarcasm all strapped on…. let’s party.
GASP in amazement at Paul “I’m Catholic, but charity is for bitches” Ryan’s thousand yard, blue eyed, P90X loving stare! ALSO GASP at the goofy shit Joe “Uncle Joe” Biden verbally vomits, and yet still somehow manages to come off as likable and “Actually That Guy We Hired To Help Run Shit.”
7:03PM: Martha’s got a jaw on her… kinda sexy. I know that’s totally inapp… oh nevermind, I can’t even type that with a straight face.
7:04PM: That was a nice leading question. Regarding the murders in our Embassy… really should not be a political football, but DID YOU KNOW. This guy, Paul Ryan, voted to CUT funding to Embassy security when Obama asked for it and when Clinton warned it could lead to security problems… and then it did. So yeah. I wonder if we’ll talk about this.
Biden: You made a mistake already. Yes. Obama got Bin Laden, but your topic pivot was sloppy and Ryan’s ready for it.
Ryan: So basically, he’s bagging on Bammers because Bammers didn’t call this a terrorist attack before we actually CONFIRMED it was a terrorist attack. Also, Ryan is a dick. He just comes off like every dick at every college campus I’ve ever lost my panties on.
7:10PM: Oh yeah, what about that thing where Romney was criticizing the President while Americans were being murdered. Claaaaassssyyyyyy
Oh, it is ON, youngster. OH SNAP. MALARKY!! GET THE FUCK OFF MY LAWN, KID.
YES YES!! I JUST HAD A BIDEN-GASM!!!
7:12PM: Biden just told that KID off! ATTACK! GET HIM BIDEN!! *sloshes scotch onto monitor*
7:15PM: I think it’s worth noting that Mr. Ryan is a 7 time Congress-jackass. That means that, for at least 7 years anyway, Mr. Biceps there towed the line on our support of multiple dictators who gave us nice shiny oil.
7:16PM: Martha becomes aroused when discussing war. Fact.
We can’t allow Iran to do what like… we do, and China does, and France, and the UK, and like… Look, they’re dicks. We get that. But it might not be a great idea to invade another country right about now. I’m not sure if Mr. Ryan has heard this, but they don’t really like our big swinging cod in that region… Oh also, did you know Iran’s currency has been devalued by like… 50% because of Obama cracking down on banks on the Iran issue? Preeeetty sure Mr. Ryan was against that regulation…
7:18PM: Joe’s a little rambly, but his attitude is a winner. It’s a straight up “Listen kiddo…”
DING. Ryan just lied outright. Also, nice imagery for the stupid and scared.
Martha wants ANSWERS yo. How are YOU going to fix this? Let’s hear some details… HAHAHAH SORRY sorry, just fucking with you.
7:20PM: I knew that shit. I’m just SO GLAD Biden SAID that shit. It needs to be said. Better question, why can’t OBAMA say it??
Group laugh, then the oral sex.
…………. Just me?
7:22PM: omg my live stream just hung… The Swiss is probably downloading porn. Or pictures of fine sheep or something.
7:23PM: Ok, sheep shearing video downloads have been stopped. More scotch has been poured.
Oh great… just in time for more from Paul “Hyperbole” Ryan. Go on, Insanity Workout. Say some more scary shit.
7:26PM: Yes. Let’s hear some plans on unemployment. *chin on palm*
Biden: Everything sucked. This is a monologue at this point, made less effective by the fact that WE LIVED IT. Good pivot to Detroit and Romney’s suggestion that we allow the housing bubble to deflate totally. And sloppy pivot to Ryan’s 30% ass-hattery.
HE’S HAD IT UP TO HERE, PEOPLE. UP. TO. HERE. *sloshes scotch onto monitor*
7:28PM: Ryan is from Nowheresville, Whateverthefuck. Biden is from Mayberry, EastBumFuck. Yay, you’re both from places I wouldn’t barf champagne in.
Ryan is solid on his talking points, but is giving NO SUBSTANCE. But he’s so smooth, yo. Like… 12 conservative babies will be born 10 months from now…
7:30PM: Dear Mitt Romney. I have always liked you best. I would love to vote for you… if only I didn’t owe so much on my car. *WINK*
7:31PM: Yeah… never bring up car crashes and kids around Biden. *sotto voce* Killjooooy.
7:32PM: I’d have liked them to get out of the way and pass the Veteran’s Jobs Corps Act… fillibustered. OH SNAP. Bitch got schooled.
Hey Libertarians? Ryan voted for the stimulus too. *blows kiss* But it’s ok, because he voted AGAINST oversight for how the funds were used.
DING! Another lie! Obama never actually had a super-majority in the Senate. At first, the GOP wouldn’t allow Franken to be seated for like… 8 months. THEN, Byrd got sick. THEN Kennedy died. So Obama never actually HAD a super-majority, allowing the GOP to fillibuster everything.
Damn son. Biden is destroying Ryan. Just destroying him. It’s painful.
7:35PM: Another lie from Ryan. Social Security actually self-funds. If we’d stop taking money from the trust and using it to pay for other shit, it wouldn’t be broke.
Hear that sound? That’s the sound of Romney/Ryan losing the 50-55 vote.
DEATH PANELS!!! DEATH PANELS!!!! WWWEEEEEOOOOOGGGHHHWEEEEEOOOGGHH!!! (that’s my siren noise)
7:37PM: I WANT TO MAKE SWEET LOVE TO JOE BIDEN. I want to be the cream in his coffee, the cheese on his cracker, the biker moll on his knee….
7:38PM: So many facts… so much scotch. I feel so mature and introspective though. I’d also stab a nun with a sharpened puppy for a pee break. Siiiiiigh. I HOLD IT FOR DEMOCRACY!!
7:40PM: The Swiss is refusing to turn the volume up REALLY LOUD, and type for me while I sneak off to the bathroom. I HOLD IT FOR FREEDOM, PEOPLE.
This came from the Clinton budget person… but…. Obamacare came from the GOP in the ’90s.
KILL MEDICARE PART D! YES!
Biden is really killing this. Ryan just looks like a dick. lol
7:44PM: Biden nailed the entitlements argument. And also, Ryan just lied again. Oh, and remember when he supported some of Bush’s stupid ideas? Yeah. He’s a weasel.
Nah Uncle Joe. Let him finish. Ryan has more lies to lie from his lying lie-hole.
7:45PM: Um. Joe Biden doesn’t have… a record…. to run on? But… current… Vice President…? FACTS ARE HARD.
Biden: Middle class pays less, richies pay more.
You might not be aware, but if you’re in the middle class, you have actually had a tax cut under Obama.You might not be aware because instead of mailing you a nice check with his name on it, like Bush Jr. did, you get it every paycheck in small amounts. That way, psychologically, you are more likely to SPEND it, thus driving the economy to recovery.
Ryan: TRICKLE DOWN, MOFOS. Also, raising taxes on the rich is only a drop in the bucket… SO LET’S CUT PBS!!! That’ll cover the Pentagon funding for 6 HOURS!!!
Total side note… does anyone else think shoulder pads are stupid looking?! Check out Ryan’s suit jacket. It’s weird. Makes his head look tiny.
Also… the Canadians have guaranteed universal healthcare. So I think they’re probably ok with the richies getting a kickback.
7:50PM: Ok. So he’s not going to TELL us what tax loopholes he’ll close because he wants to go into Congress and bipartisan all over everything. What a liar. What. A. Liar.
Oh, my psychic powers say Ryan is going to deny the mortgage deduction cut.
Actually, Uncle Joe, the Romney plan works IF you assume over 2% growth, quarter over quarter. Which is problematic in a recession.
7:53PM: Biden is getting really specific with his attacks. It’s kind of amazing, after that last debate.
7:55PM: Heheheheheheh the hashtags were funny.
7:58PM: Yes, all that new job creation? DEFENSE SPENDING!! Oh, yes, let’s put aside the sequestor… which Ryan voted for.
Also, in facts town, Obama doesn’t want to CUT defense spending. He actually keeps it at the current spending level.
ALSO, ANNOUNCEMENT. DRUNKENNESS HAS BEEN ACHIEVED!!!!!!!
7:59PM: Ohhhh a tough one…. Martha is making Lehrer look really bad.
8PM: Don’t know if you just caught how Ryan pivoted away from the question totally. So far the only actual thing he’s said is that “we shouldn’t lose what we’ve achieved” and “we should listen to the generals” and “Increase military spending so…. freedom?” Honestly I don’t fucking know. These assholes don’t give a shit about the military. If they did, our men and women in combat wouldn’t have had to buy Kevlar on freaking eBay. This whole topic makes me want to barf up my fine single-malt concoction.
8:02PM: Well. It’s good to know they don’t want to stay at war. For now. Gross. I need more alcohol.
Also, The Swiss was supposed to refill my GoGoJuice and COOK ME SOME DINNER, WOMAN.
Also, Ryan just basically said that the GOP wants out of Afghanistan on Obama’s timeline, but they don’t want to SAY that, because then the enemies will like… go hide until after we leave.
8:05PM: So Biden says Bammers set a timeline for surge withdrawal before deploying. I honestly don’t remember that, folks. Biden’s use of factyness is a buzzkill.
8:08PM: OH. Biden just turned that shit around on Ryan. Ryan… just… wow.
8:10PM: Ok. Let’s remember that Obama got crapped on by the GOP for getting involved in Libya, then got crapped on for not doing MORE in Libya… let’s see what Ryan sez.
Y’know. When Biden shuts up. *eyeroll* Blah blah blah.
8:12PM: Ok, some details. No troops except to secure chemical weapons…. same redline on Obama… and they really will NOT drop that talking point that Obama called Assad a reformer. It was actually Hillary Clinton who said it, and what she said was that compared to his FATHER he was a reformer.
8:17PM: Holy shit y’all. Lady-business.
Ryan: Pro-life because he’s Catholic (but doesn’t support helping the poor), and also reason and science. He and his wife saw an ultrasound, so he wants to prevent everyone else from making personal choices for themselves. Romney/Ryan opposes abortion except in cases of rape, incest, and life of the mother. This from the guy who co-sponsored a bill trying to redefine something called “Forcible Rape.” Because y’know. There’s all that FUN rape going on.
Biden: I’m also a Catholic. Biden also believes that life begins at conception. However, he refuses to impose his religious beliefs on non-believers, or people who believe differently. He does not believe it’s his right to tell women what to do with their body.
Both candidates discussed Obamacare and contraception. Ryan calling it a violation of religious freedom, Biden explaining that they don’t have to pay for it directly.
Ryan kind of missed the point of what Biden was saying… but whatever. It’s all lies anyway, amirite? :)
8:21PM: So Romney is SAYING he has no plans to overturn Roe. Ryan is saying the same. But both say they’re pro-life, and pretend like they won’t be appointing 1 or 2 people to the Supreme Court.
8:23PM: This is a stupid question. Really stupid. “Some dude who is in the military thinks y’all are being really mean, and it’s bothering him. What do you think?”
Well duh Martha. Obviously they’re both going to say “Oh gosh, wish it could be better.”
This is time wasted, Martha. I love our troops, I support them, I really do… but that wasn’t on par with the previous questions and OMG CRACKERS!!!
8:25PM: I love it when they run AGAINST hope…. =D
OH!!! LAST MINUTE LIES!!!!!!!
8:26PM: Yes, I would like to know about insurance costs going up under Obamacare… Because I read the numbers, and insurance costs have increased by about 4%… as opposed to 10 and 20%.
Obama and speeches! Romney has qualifications! OMFG. There it is. Golden. Explore this people:
Obama said he’d bring us together! He broke that promise!
Yes. HE BROKE THE PROMISE BECAUSE THE GOP REFUSED TO WORK WITH HIM ON *ANYTHING*.
8:28PM: Ryan is as rude as Romney. Shut up, CHET.
8:30PM: Ryan is the man because he has SOLUTIONS and ECONOMY and PLANS with POINTS and shit. Honestly. It’s all mumbo jumbo.
Biden is the man because he’s folksy and plainspeaking and shit, and slogans, and wall street, and check out my street cred, and the middle class and FREEDOM.
8:31PM: Closing speeches, bitches. Smoke ‘em if y’got ‘em!
Biden is frustrated because of the steamy hot threesome going down with Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan, and Ayn Rand’s crusty Russian corpse-vadge. Blah blah level the playing field, blah blah, kids gentle whispered words.
Ryan is politely thanking Biden in his inside voice, and now he’s address Ma and Pa Retard in his SCARY TERRORISM voice. Obama is coming for your jobs and your women and your cars and shit or something. You deserve better. One might say you’re… ENTITLED to better *pinky finger on chin*. Romney will make JAAAAAAAWBS! Oh wow. He just insinuated that Obama is “replacing” the founding principles of ‘Murica.
THAT’S IT FOLKS!!
Thanks for joining me, feel free to make any comments you like (preferably about how gorgeous, smart, and funny I am, and what a great rack I have, and how I’m a candy sunshine girl and stuff). I’ve got a bottle of Scotch to finish before I fall down the stairs (again) and fall asleep, angelically, on the hall floor.