The Morning Wood: When Mitt Romney Is President, Every Day Will Be Monday


On the eve of the second of three presidential debates, the incumbent Kenyan Prime Minister Bammerz HUSSEIN appears to have stopped the bleeding in the polls, but the damage from his profoundly “meh” performance in the first debate at the University of Denver has been done.

Barry Bamz is still a roughly 2-1 odds-on favorite to be reelected, which in an economy like this one says everything you need to know about the caliber of his opponent: Willard Mittens de Romneigh, the third Earl of Mormony.

To the links, you moochers!

Felix Baumgartner, a 43-year old Austrian skydiver, successfully dove to Earth from the edge of the stratosphere, plummeting 128,100 feet over scenic Roswell, New Mexico in just under ten minutes. At peak velocity, Herr Baumgartner broke the sound barrier with room to spare, reaching Mach 1.24 or 833.9 miles per hour. I totally know how he felt, because I once did a sweet cannonball off a 5-meter diving board. It was awesome, you guys.

This was more than just a publicity stunt for his sponsors (the Red Bull Corporation) and a gratuitous shot at setting some world records. Oh no, lest you think this was just taurine-fueled fappery you should be aware that Mr. Baumgartner’s unprecedented fall also yielded valuable new information, for Science!™ Indeed, if USA America ever finds the resources to send humans into space again, they will be wearing similar spacesuits as the one worn yesterday, which managed to stay intact at higher velocities and longer distances than the current NASA suits are rated.

Here’s a video replay of the jump. It’s cool, inspirational, and terrifying all at once.


#blackjesus runs faster than you

Robert Griffin III, the young quartered back for the National Football League’s Washington Racists Redskins, is an electrifying athlete. The world class hurdler-turned-quarterback was responsible for 320 yards and three touchdowns on Sunday, repeatedly shredding the vaunted Minnesota Vikings defense on the way to a 38-26 victory at FedEx® Field east of our nation’s capital.

I still cannot really fathom that my beloved SKEEINZ, who have not added any value to football since 1991, now have a rookie quarterback who is already faster, stronger, and smarter than the Philadephia Iggles’ Michael Vick. Whereas the ‘Skins’ achilles heel had always been an inability to punch into the end zone, #BlackJesus is almost automatic. Such is his strength and speed, NFL defenses either need to commit men to lurk in the backfield waiting for him to run (therefore leaving receivers in single coverage) or take their chances and risk getting burned right up the middle of the field, as Minnesota was by Griffin in the second quarter.

Because they are fascists, won’t let me embed their HD highlights, so you’ll have to settle for this link instead. It’s well worth a look, especially if you support another NFC north team and derive sick pleasure from the misfortune of your divisional rival, as I do whenever the Noo Yawk Giants, Philadelphia Iggles, and most especially the Dallas Cowboys take a beating.

Magic Sam will be along later to preview tonight’s HAWT Monday Night Football matchup featuring his beloved Peyton Manning & the Denver Broncos taking on Philip “King Laserface” Rivers & the San Diego Chargers.

Until then, we bid you good day.

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