Win Money Here!

According to a statistic from my more-than-faulty memory, I’m better than .500 this year on NFL picks. So HIGH FIVE, we can all make money gambling on professional sporting men running into each other at high rates of speed! EXCELSIOR!

Lots of crazy things happening with NFL bets recently. Last night’s Seahawks/Niners game had an estimated $75 Million swing in the closing moments when noted psychopath Jim Harbaugh declined a safety on a penalty in the end zone in order to take over possession and run out the clock, leaving the game with a 7 point win when the line was 7.5. Oops. Sorry, people who took the Niners laying points. That’s why you SHOULDN’T GAMBLE, is what someone would say if they were sanctimonious assholes. Which I very clearly am not.

Of course, last week was almost thrown into upheaval when Denver spotted the Chargers 24 points and looked like two retards humping a doorknob for the better part of the first half. Then of course, Peyton Manning happened and we all lived happily ever after and got to laugh at Philip Rivers doing Philip Rivers things the end. Hooray for that. And hooray for winning.

Speaking of winning, let’s heal the rift in this most contentious political season. With winning. Winning the way it was intended: together.

Home teams, as always, in CAPS. Let’s GET IT ON.

HOUSTON (-6.5) over Baltimore
Have to admit, I had a lot of trouble picking this one, and nearly left it off altogether. But being that it’s one of the better matchups of the weekend (a weekend shortened significantly by byes), I figured what the hell. Houston looked extremely beatable last week by the Packers, but I don’t think that’s a trend; more of an exception. And like most things, I don’t put much stock in the idea of “HURR DURR THE BLUEPRINT IS OUT” there being the one way to beat a team. There are lots of ways to skin a cat, and I’ve tried 19 of them (potato peeler is my personal favorite). I just think, with Baltimore’s beat up defense, specifically their top corner, passrushing linebacker, and middle linebacker all being out, and with Ed Reed’s continuing desire to play with an injured shoulder, that Houston’s offense will just be too much for the Ravens to handle. Houston will win, probably by a touchdown, but that’s enough for winning moneyz.

Washington (+6) over NEW YORK GIANTS
Another tough call, but them Skeeeeeeeeeins beat the Giants twice last year, and until Los Gigantes prove otherwise, Washington is the pick. Especially getting six points.

NEW ENGLAND (-10.5) over New York Jets
The Jets are 3-3, tied for the lead in the AFC East (with all three other teams WTFz), thinning at nearly every position, and are now considering moving TimBow to running back. Where he prolly belongs, because running backs shouldn’t throw the ball no doy. The evil genius known as Bill Belichick relishes nothing more than beating the Jets, and having the opportunity to run Tim Tebow out of the building again probably gives him a raging old man boner sponsored by people sitting naked in bathtubs and watching the sunset. Even if that line seems a bit high — and it should, 10 points is no joke — the Patriots are clearly the better team.

Sunday Nighter: CINCINNATI (+1.5) over Pittsburgh
Cincinnati is probably a playoff team this year, and Pittsburgh is extremely beat up and aging quickly. This will be a tight game, but only for a half, and I’ve just got this feeling that Cincy — with its league-leading QB-to-Receiver combo — will pull it out in the end.

Monday Nighter: CHICAGO (-6.5) over Detroit
Jay Cutler has 6 touchdowns to 1 pick against Detroit over his last several games. That shit better continue this weekend, or my fantasy team is proper fucked. And two of those touchdowns better go to Brandon Marshall or… yeah, re-read the second half of that last sentence.

That’s a wrap. Enjoy the games, and let’s all get rich.

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