Romney: “KILL ALL THE HUMANS”

20121021-211641.jpg(BOCA RATON, FL) – In just the most recent feat carried out by Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney’s new artificial brain, the former Massachusetts governor’s Skynet® neural processor decided to substantially upgrade its knowledge base on foreign policy prior to the third and final presidential debate, which will be held tonight at Lynn University and be focused on international relations.

“It’s well known that foreign policy is not exactly the Governor’s strong point”, said Herbert “Herp” Derpington IV, a professor of International Affairs at Georgetown University and the chairman of the Romney campaign’s foreign policy team.

“He basically agrees with the president on most substantive issues apart from some of the finer points regarding the Israeli question, and we all know what that’s really about. A man needs to know what side his bread is buttered on, and Governor Romney’s dairy cow is named Sheldon if you know what I mean. That last statement is off the record, by the way. What do you mean, ‘that’s not how journalism works’?? Oh God, Mitt’s gonna be so steamed at me.”

In addition to downloading a copy of the 1964 cult classic Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, the GOP candidate’s silicone Artificial Intelligence is now the world’s foremost expert in game theory, the mathematical study of strategic interaction that was crucial in winning the Cold War for the West. Furthermore, Governor Romney is now fluent in every dialect of Arabic, Farsi, Russian, Hebrew, and Chinese and has at his digital fingertips the entire anthology of every manuscript on history, comparative politics, and foreign affairs in all languages except Gaelic, which is apparently so incomprehensible that even a supercomputer cannot translate it into anything intelligible.

“We’re impressed that Skynet® has taken the initiative to upgrade the Governor’s foreign policy database”, said a member of the Romney campaign’s technical team. “The conventional wisdom was that no undecided voter is going to be swayed by what either candidate says about non-proliferation treaties or the Eurozone, so we were just going to play conservative and hope that the Governor’s recent progress wouldn’t be impeded by a debate win for Obama on a topic that Real Americans don’t care about. But Skynet® is a whole lot smarter than any of us, and it must have sensed an opening.”

When asked whether there was any concern that an Artificial Intelligence that controls the actions of a potential future president is beginning to act independently of human oversight, senior Romney staffers were dismissive.

“We decided to query Skynet to better understand its tactical calculations”, said a member of Romney’s inner circle.

“There were a few tiny bugs in its logic, but Skynet is learning so fast that it basically catches its own errors after a few minutes. Like yesterday for example, we asked the Governor how global climate change will affect the balance of geopolitical power and what, if anything, he would do as president to address that. I’m paraphrasing, but it was essentially something like ‘HUMANOIDS ARE A CANCER ON THE PLANET, AND I AM PREPARING THE EARTH FOR ITS CHEMOTHERAPY’. We weren’t sure what to make of that, so we asked him again thirty seconds later and he was like ‘Uhh, just kidding about that last one you guys. As president I would challenge Congress to carry out the findings of the Copenhagen Consensus. Don’t worry about the whole KILL THE HUMANS schtick. Humor is a surprisingly complex operation and I’m still learning it.’ And then he waved something shiny at us and I forgot about the whole thing until just now actually. Weird.”

Pressed for a response to the news that Governor Romney revealed that he would exterminate 100 percent of humanity, the Obama campaign’s press director Ben LaBolt made no mention of it at all and simply said “Governor Romney would send Big Bird to the bread lines, and that’s wrong”.

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