Debateatron 2012: Are We There Yet?

[Editor's Note: Reproduced below is last night's live blog of the third and final 2012 presidential debate, brought to you by the exquisite Mademoiselle Bébé Gottbach, Ph.D.

Here, brought to you by the New York Times, is the debate, with plenty of punditry before and after, for freedom.

Naturally, all of the best post-debate coverage came from foreign newspapers. Be sure to check out the Guardianthe BBCAl Jazeera, and a blistering assessment of American decline and denial from Der Spiegel.

Also, while our live blog is the best live blog (obvs), Matt Taibbi at Rolling Stone and John Cook and DDP favorite Mobutu Sese Seko at Gawker also put in a valiant effort.

So boyz & gurls, scroll down to the bottom and read up at your leisure. Good day.] 

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8:35PM: IT’S OVER Y’ALL. IT’S OVER!! I’M FREE!!

Free to go to rehab. Ooh, Michelle looks fanTAStic. My fella just called her “a classy broad.” Because he is classy.

Thanks for reading kids. It’s been a blast, I hope you all enjoyed my drunken rantings. I very much enjoyed sharing them with you! Take care, be excellent to each other, and never let anyone talk you into putting anything in your anus.

It’s just good advice.

8:30PM: Ooooh. And the last zinger goes to Bob Schieffer. :)

Obama: We’ve done some good shit, yo. Despite the shit sandwich that idiot before us left. Also, fuck rich people. They’ve had it good forever. It’s time for them to pay ‘one less bottle of wine with dinner’s worth of taxes. Also, enough with the warring. Let’s put our money into our own shit for a while.

Romney: Glad I could be here. I think everything’s gonna be ok, eventually. If you hire me. We need a real leader (like myself). Confident. Secure. Other important keywords that poll well. BOOM. I was wondering if he would mention Greece. Also, your take home pay will go down. 12 million jobs! Everyone off food stamps (but not because I’m going to cut them like my party says to do).

heh… Romney says “I was in a blue state” and my fella yelled “AND YOU DID FUCK ALL WITH IT, YOU CUNT.” hahahah Europeans are funny when they’re drunk.

8:29PM: Obama is really good on foreign policy y’all.

Oh Mittens. You’re blaming the recession on Obama. Wow. You’re amazing.

Yeah… I know. I had better things to do too…

8:27PM: OOOH!!! SOMEONE’S ABOUT TO THROW A PUNCH!!

8:24PM: Ooooh. “Attacking me isn’t a substitute for blah blah blah…” Um. Sack up, Mitt. You’re fine with dishonesty and attack ads, but if someone calls you to your face, you’re all “Wah wah, my vagina is bleeding.”

Also, Romney is a liar. “Let Detroit Go Bankrupt” is what you google to pull up the op-ed Romney wrote about the American Auto Industry being a done deal.

8:23PM: Obama’s response felt too much like point scoring. Slam slam slam. Romney is like a screen door.

Obama is making the point that currencies are at their best levels since ’93 because of his policies.

8:21PM: Romney is going on and on about China devaluing their currency, stealing our intellectual property, etc etc… um. Obama already covered that we’ve made progress on this.

Captain Capitalism to the rescue!

8:18PM: Um. Government creates the stability and policies that make businesses successful. But yeah, you built it. Whaaatevs.

Also, China is totally fine with our debts to them. They’ve actually sold off some of our debt.

8:17PM: Romney’s budget plan actually calls for doing more of exactly what Obama has done to create more jobs.

8:16PM: This is a topic I’ve been waiting for. Romney’s going to be SO TOUGH on China. Except, factually, Obama has actually made a lot of progress with China. It’s YET ANOTHER part of his record that he and the DNC totally FAILED to give any attention to.

8:12PM: Romney supports drones. So. Basically, Romney agrees with all of Obama’s foreign policy stuff.

8:11PM: Pash-Tans! And what is this shit about walking away from Pakistan?

8:08PM: Gotta share this shit.

From notorious thundercunt Dana Loesch (who has her twitter on lockdown, so you have to be a follower to post to her… echo! echo! echo!):

Yeah seriously. What kind of DICKHEAD rolls up like the conquering hero?

*coughcoughDICKHEADcough*

8:05PM: Sorry Mittens. We’re moving on. You’re losing.

8:04PM: I think Obama was a little heavy-handed on the 9/11 anecdote.

8:03PM: BIN LADEN! BIN LADEN! GUESS WHO KILLED BIN LADEN?!?!

8:02PM: Um. Romney just repeated alla that textbook crap, and accused Obama of weakening like… everything? Honestly, it was mishmash.

Obama just called him on it too. “You are all over the place.”

7:59PM: Ooooh… What would you do if Israel decided to invade Iran?

Mittens won’t entertain hypotheticals. He also won’t allow Obama to answer that question. Which is a huuuuuuuge mistake, because you’re just giving Bams time to formulate a really REALLY good answer.

7:57PM: Dude. Obama is really like… fighting with a shiv. I’m actually a little taken aback.

And also, whenever anyone accuses Obama of kissing middle-eastern ass, this image pops into my head:

Snootchie bootchies.

7:56PM: Obama just called Romney a LIAR. Oh snap. While I was kicking the asses, you were investing in a Chinese company that did business in Iran. That was a sharp cut y’all.

7:53PM: Ok, ok, we get it Obama, you are all up INSIDE of Iran.

Romney is saying that this administration is weak on Iran because when Obama was running in 2008 he said he’d talk to the bad guys and see what was up. Then Romney has called Obama’s foreign policy an “apology tour.” And he’s trying to say Obama doesn’t support Israel. And he’s using scary words about Iran. “Spinning Centrifuges.” That should be a band name…

7:51PM: Ok, so Obama just laid it out. There are no current talks with Iran, the press is wrong.

Further, if they end their nuclear program, Iran can come to our birthday party.

7:50PM: Seriously y’all… what the fuck is Romney talking about?! He just agreed with what Obama is already doing, in bullet form.

7:45PM: Ok. The wine has continued to flow. SO. An attack on Israel is an attack on us…. yes or no?

Obama: Yep. We stand with Israel. And Iran isn’t going to get a bomb, just sayin’. He’s discussing the sanctions now, and BOOM. Pointing out that their economy is taking a shit now because of us.

Romney: Yep. Duh. Israel is my homey. Now Romney is saying he called for crippling sanctions on Iran 5 years ago. But, that was Bush who didn’t put them out there. Aaaaand Romney just admitted the President was handling Iran correctly.

MMmmm… the new wine is very nice. And it had an actual cork, so now I’m upper-class and shit.

7:44PM: OOOOHHHH. The audience broke their vow of silence to titter and Obama’s harsh slam on Romney’s pearl-clutching statement about our Navy having fewer ships than in the ’60s. “Yeah. We also have fewer horses and bayonets.”

7:43PM: Romney balanced the Olympic budget by taking billions from the Government. Also, Massachusetts’ budget was “balanced” because Romney created or raised all kinds of fees on the poor and disabled.

7:42PM: Actually Bams, it’s the next 19 countries combined. But you’re right, the money Romney is trying to send to the Pentagon is money they have not asked for.

Also, in case anyone is wondering. The math on Romney’s plan DOES work… if we get like… 2-3% GDP growth, quarter over quarter.

7:40PM: The POO-er. The POO-er. I fucking hate how rich people say “POOR.” It’s like a Brit saying “pussy.” Just sounds wrong.

7:39PM: There is no way to balance this budget in 8-10 years. Not without a lot of people dying, seriously. No joke.

7:38PM: I have an emergency folks!!! I need to open this 2nd bottle of wine, and IT ISN’T A SCREW TOP. I need a CORKSCREW.

FYI: Romney’s talking about how great things were under him because he was so BIPARTISAN. Fact is, he veto’d over 800 bills, forcing the legislature to work together to override his veto MORE THAN 700 TIMES.

7:37PM: Obama is talking about how shitty things were for Massachusetts under Romney (48th in small business creation, 47th in job creation).

7:35PM: 5 POINTS!

  1. Drill baby drill (which won’t affect gas prices at all)
  2. MOAR TRADE (the LTAM trade screed is very George W. Bush circa 2004)
  3. More teachers (but fuck the unions)
  4. Balance the budget (but not how)
  5. SMALL BUSINESSES! JAWBS!! (but nothing really specific about how to help them, just that we’ll help them).

7:32PM: Obama is bringing up a lot of points too. Manufacturing, green jobs, investments in R&D.

I think instead of accusing Romney of praising Bush and Cheney you should point out that 17 of Romney’s 24 foreign policy advisers ARE FORMER BUSH APPOINTEES.

7:30PM: People. Don’t vote. For. War? THEN HOW HAS THE GOP TAKEN SO MANY SEATS?

And look at Obama. That grin… he knows Mitt is scrambling. Honestly, Romney is just rambling at this point. I’m sure the Fox crowd is loving a recitation of their every conspiracy and bitch, but I’ve totally lost the train of thought the guy was on. This is the problem with being over-prepped. You have so much SHIT in your head that you can’t sort any of it out to make a cogent argument. You just spit out facts and hope they apply.

7:28PM: LOL. We didn’t ask to be Team America: World Police? The GOP has been asking for that since the ’80s. HEH. Romney just has to bring up that debt… And the budget sequester… which his running mate VOTED for. Also. Romney just told us how many allies we had. Like. Said the number. HE’S OVER-PREPPED.

7:26PM: Romney looks like he’s going to vomit. I actually feel a little sorry for the guy.

Uhh… I agree… with… uh… The President.

7:25PM: Schieffer is an Obama supporter I think. He just tossed him a really softball question. Do you regret saying Mubarek had to go? Awww HELL nah.

7:23PM: Mittens, give us some specifics on Syria. Would you institute a no-fly zone?

Uh. I don’t want to put our military into Syria. I just want to give heavy arms to the people who oppose Assad.

I gotta say people. This is STUPIDITY. You give them heavy arms, the dying escalates like wow. They need support, yes, but not that kind. They need external powers to put pressure on Assad to step down. Otherwise we’re just lighting the match for the civil war.

7:22PM: BIN LADEN! BIN LADEN!! GUESS WHO KILLED BIN LADEN?!?!?

7:21PM: This is a stupid question though. They agree on the path to take in Syria. I really do like that Obama is not shying away from talking about Libya.

7:20PM: Gotta say. I know I’m all wonky and shit, but the phrase “armed insurgency” is not a good one to use.

7:17PM: What y’all gonna do about Syria, yo?

Bams says he’s going to work with the global community and friendly forces inside of Syria. Really. How does Romney come back to this? This is the guy DOING the shit… and Obama has a really good record on foreign policy. He’s done a really good job in that arena (despite what Fox News says).

Romney is literally just reciting a text book. He’s completely over-prepped. He’s saying basically exactly what Obama just said. LOL Literally, the SAME THING. Well. Except that he wants to arm the Syrian opposition.

7:16PM: Romney is going to blow this. He’s too edgy without being able to land any punches. He just comes off as being un-ready. I need more wine. Also, Schieffer is doing a really good job so far. Yes, it’s early, but he’s a really really intelligent man and his questions are cutting. I’ll miss this coherence as the wine really kicks in…

7:15PM: Whaaaaaat? This is the most ridiculous bullshit I’ve ever seen. This isn’t a debate, this is an argument. A nit picky, stupid argument.

OMG Y’ALL. Obama just angry-dad’ed Romney.

7:14PM: Romney… wow. What a bitch. Hahahahaah He’s accusing Obama of attacking him…. by listing off the dumb shit he’s said. What. A. Bitch.

7:13PM: Um… Bams is really aggressive tonight, with the factoids and the records. He’s being very direct, and that’s good. As a counterpoint to Ramblin’ Romney, it’s very striking.

7:11PM: Is it just me, or is Romney trying to say “Islamist” a lot? And also… Romney appears to be suffering from over-studying. He’s just rambled off pretty much every country in the middle-east. Ridonkulous.

7:07PM: Is this thing on?

The topic is Libya. Schieffer wants to know what happened. Was it stupidity or a total fuck up?

Romney: Thanks peasants. Romney cracks an awkward joke and we’re off. Romney is summarizing “now” events and… talking about women for some reason. Now he’s listing all the dead foreigns. Honestly. Get to the point, Mittens. I’m not drunk enough to find you interesting just yet. Now he’s talking about Iran… But I’m pretty sure the question was about Libya. LOLFINITY. “We can’t kill our way out of this mess.” Jesus. Imagine a Republican saying that.

Mitt is rambling and circular. And worse, he’s BORING. And he didn’t answer the question.

Obama: Quick rundown of the accomplishments. I like that Obama pointed out that his military action in Libya cost less than 2 weeks of the war in Iraq. It’s a really good point to make.

Oh, and also…

So this is it kids. The big one. The tie breaker. My sources tell me tonight’s topic will be Foreign Policy, which I logically assume means the entire thing will be filmed in a French nudist colony.

This gives Obama the advantage, because he’s in better shape… But Romney did that stint in France, battling the evils of wine or something, so he probably knows at least 30 words in French for “Body Hair.”

This could get interesting…. And if it doesn’t, I have alcohol.

GOOD LUCK, BOB SCHIEFFER.

Trackbacks

  1. [...] play-by-play from our own Mlle. Bebe Gottbach (and the drunken rage that came with it), I’d recommend you do so today whilst your employer is paying your overly generous salary. That’ll show [...]

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