UPDATE: You gotta be fucking kidding me. The noteworthy political genius Donald Trump thinks he can extort President Barry Bamz into releasing his college and passport applications and records by dangling a $5 million charitable donation to worthy foundations of the president’s choice, for “transparency”.
In other news, the trust fund that is the sole proprietor of The Daily Dickpunch.com, Ltd. will make a donation of £5 million pounds sterling to the first person who can verify that the unidentified creature living atop Donald Trump’s inflated head has had all of its vaccinations.
Here’s a video of Mr. Trump’s earth-shattering announcement, which surely will redefine what it means to be a “bombshell”, forever:
Mr. Trump, for the good of ‘Merica, please self-terminate immediately.
You guys, I am SO FUCKING STOKED to hear Donald Trump’s big announcement on Twitter later this morning, which is guaranteed (by that noted bankrupt) to shake up the presidential race between Willard, Lord Mittens de Romné and the noted Irish street hustla Barry O’Bummer.
What pray tell could it be? COCKTOBER SURPRISE? I sure hope so.
Here are the top ten possibilities, based on the betting market that I just concocted in my sleep-deprived zombie state:
10. “@realDonaldTrump: My investigators have discovered that Barack Obama is BLACK! LOL! WTF!”
9. “@realDonaldTrump: In 1972, 8 year old Michelle LaVaughn Robinson (Obama) called President Nixon a jive-ass honky. THAT’S RACIST!”
8. “@realDonaldTrump: That Stephanie Cutter is one HOT PIECE OF ACE. I know from experience dude, if you know what I mean.”
7: “@realDonaldTrump: OMFG BARACK OBAMA IS A SPACE ALIEN FROM THE PLANET ZOG!! NOT QUALIFIED 2 B PREZ!”
6. “@realDonaldTrump: The truth is finally out there: Barack Obama shot Biggie, 2Pac, and Jack Kennedy!”
5. “@realDonaldTrump: I have purchased the entire Obama family from a reputable Portuguese slave trader. Barack, YOU’RE FIRED!”
4. “@realDonaldTrump: barely legal young male ass”
3.”@realDonaldTrump: Disregard that last tweet everyone. I must have been hacked by the Obama Campaign…”
2: “@realDonaldTrump: Mitt Romney is a Mexican anchor baby and Obama is from Kenya/Indonesia/Hawaii. We need a Real American in the White House. Specifically, Me!”
1: “@realDonaldTrump: You have all been trolled! Can’t believe how low the modern GOP has come when even *I* was considered a viable candidate. Vote for Obama!”