USA America To Host the 2016 Copa América

In 2012, this is what America looks like.

In a move that is sure to make certain types of people nervous, there are plans afoot to have untold thousands of aboriginal Americans flood into the United States in the summer of 2016.

Is this a sinister plot to boost the the noted unAmerican Barack Husayn Ubamma’s chances for a historic third election? Probably.

Howevah, it’s also this nascent century’s most exciting sporting development for our fair continent, which we like to pretend includes only los Estados Unidos and their backyard (Canada) except when we need to subvert indigenous democratic movements, for freedom.

Many details still need ironing out, but there is too much filthy lucre to be made for anything to stand in the way of yesterday’s exciting, if somewhat premature, announcement: In July of 2016 the Copa América (the quadrennial regional soccer tournament for the South American nations) will be hosted in the USA. 

Back in 1995, the underdog Americans did this to the mighty Argentina:

and apart from 2007 we haven’t been invited back since, because reverse racism.

For its 100th anniversary, CONMEBOL, the regional federation of the South American soccer associations, has decided to invite six North American teams in the first Copa America to be held outside South America. The U.S. and A. y México are guaranteed admission, and four more North American teams will join them based on performance in the prior North American regional tournament (the CONCACAF Gold Cup). Should be pretty sweet, you guys.

This will be the single largest sporting event on our fair shores since at least the 1996 Atlanta Olympics, and may even eclipse the 1994 World Cup (which still holds the attendance record for a FIFA tournament by a country mile). Blessed with more 80,000 seat modern sporting palaces than we could choose from, and supporting infrastructure that’s better than anywhere else on the continent, this will be an historic Copa.

The editors of this serious journalistic enterprise are thrilled at these developments, which are a natural evolution that will capitalize on the growing American interest in real football and the growing prosperity of Mexico, which is rapidly becoming an advanced industrial nation despite the ongoing violence caused entirely by irrational ‘Merican domestic policy towards narcotics.

In the coming days we’ll touch on this subject again, highlighting how soccer-worthy stadiums in America have improved dramatically since the 1994 days and arguing that this new format should be made permanent.

Until then, get back to work you piece-rate peasants.

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  1. [...] three years for the broadcasting rights to the Barclay’s English Premier League. This is the second big footy announcement in a week for ‘Merican aficionados of the world’s game, and it has given your correspondent a [...]

  2. [...] next three years for the broadcasting rights to the Barclays® English Premier League. This is the second big footy announcement in a week for ‘Merican aficionados of the world’s game, and it has given your correspondent a [...]

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