Scene: Far Rockaways, Queens, New York City, NY, just after the gale force winds of Hurricane/Tropical Storm/Cyclone Sandy have moved through, destroying property, flooding streets, and sending trees into houses and cars. The damage is catastrophic.
But thanks to President W. Mitt Romney’s forward-thinking ideas and ideals, the Federal Emergency Response has been outsourced to the private sector and help is just a phone call away.
Jim, his home destroyed by Sandy, his car still smoldering in his driveway, dials a pay phone for Bain International Terror Call Hotline [B.I.T.C.H.]
Automated B.I.T.C.H. operator: Thank you for calling Bain International Terror Call Hotline. Your call is important to us. Please enter your 16 digit credit card number.
Jim: What? No, I’m not doing that.
Operator: Please enter your 16 digit credit card number.
Jim: (pressing buttons) What the fuck? No.
Operator: I didn’t get that. If you’d like to enter your credit card number, press one. For an operator, press two. To end this call, press star.
Jim (presses two): TWO. Jesus.
Operator: One moment please.
Phone hold music plays. The selection:
Jim: What. The. Fuck.
Operator: Are you still there? To enter your credit card number and receive help from the fabulous private sector, press one. Don’t have a credit card? Press two to ask your parents for financial assistance.
Jim: Holy shit, are you serious?
Operator: To thank Glorious Job Creator W. Mitt Romney for saving you in this storm, press three. For a visit from Chuck Norris to save you from whatever problems you face, press four. To pray, press five. To leave a message detailing how to offset the cost of your rescue, press six. For a great Non-Bake Cookie Recipe from Egg Romney, press seven.
Jim: I hate everything.
//enters credit card number
///enters expiration date
////enters three digit code on the back of the card
Operator: We’re sorry, but your credit card cannot be processed at this time. Please try again later. Goodbye.