In Mitt Romney’s America…

Scene: Far Rockaways, Queens, New York City, NY,  just after the gale force winds of Hurricane/Tropical Storm/Cyclone Sandy have moved through, destroying property, flooding streets, and sending trees into houses and cars. The damage is catastrophic.

But thanks to President W. Mitt Romney’s forward-thinking ideas and ideals, the Federal Emergency Response has been outsourced to the private sector and help is just a phone call away.

Jim, his home destroyed by Sandy, his car still smoldering in his driveway, dials a pay phone for Bain International Terror Call Hotline [B.I.T.C.H.]

Automated B.I.T.C.H. operator: Thank you for calling Bain International Terror Call Hotline. Your call is important to us. Please enter your 16 digit credit card number.

Jim: What? No, I’m not doing that.

Operator: Please enter your 16 digit credit card number.

Jim: (pressing buttons) What the fuck? No.

Operator: I didn’t get that. If you’d like to enter your credit card number, press one. For an operator, press two. To end this call, press star.

Jim (presses two): TWO. Jesus.

Operator: One moment please.

Phone hold music plays. The selection:

Jim: What. The. Fuck.

Operator: Are you still there? To enter your credit card number and receive help from the fabulous private sector, press one. Don’t have a credit card? Press two to ask your parents for financial assistance.

Jim: Holy shit, are you serious?

Operator: To thank Glorious Job Creator W. Mitt Romney for saving you in this storm, press three. For a visit from Chuck Norris to save you from whatever problems you face, press four. To pray, press five. To leave a message detailing how to offset the cost of your rescue, press six. For a great Non-Bake Cookie Recipe from Egg Romney, press seven.

Jim: I hate everything.

/presses one
//enters credit card number
///enters expiration date
////enters three digit code on the back of the card

Operator: We’re sorry, but your credit card cannot be processed at this time. Please try again later. Goodbye.


  1. did you mention that the operator has a thick accent and is reading off a card because apparently does not know answers needed off the top of their head.

  2. Christine gonzalez says:



  1. [...] considering casting your vote based in important issues like Barry Obama’s foreign policy or Mitt Romney’s views on federal emergency assistance, think again. The only issue that matters is whether the government should be allowed to regulate [...]

  2. [...] to reassure people that his administration totally wouldn’t screw them over, or make them call a hotline with their credit cards in hand to offset the cost of rescue. So that’s [...]

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