Euro 2012: A Progress Update on Group A

Goal.

Can you believe we’re almost halfway through the group stage of Euro 2012? Time flies when you’re having fun, or something, and also apparently when you’re being RAYCESS and disorderly on the mean streets of Eastern Europe.

The editorial staff of this transatlantic newsmedia conglomerate will bring you a daily update of the status of the teams in each of the four groups, after each team has completed its second of the three matches in group play.

We start with Group A, because chronology. [Read more...]

Euro 2012: Who to Hate in Group D

Thass… Waycess?

Oh, let’s just get this over with.

1. Ukraine (45-1 to win the tournament)

National Claim to Fame:

Women.

Are they any good at football?

Meh. Ukraine qualified by virtue of co-hosting the tournament, and they are currently ranked by UEFA as the 14th best European team. They will rely on the 35-year old Andriy Schevchenko to score goals, which tells you more or less everything you need to know.

Here’s Ukraine’s entry in the 2012 Eurovision song contest. God Help Us All.

[Read more...]

Euro 2012: Who to Hate in Group C

Yesterday, this librul rag brought you a preview of the Group of Death™ (Group B) of the 2012 European Championships soccer tournament, co-hosted by Poland and Ukraine and kicking off on Friday, June 8. For your reference, here’s our writeup of Group A.

Onwards and upwards, soccer trolls!

GROUP C: The Hunchbacks of Europe

1. Croatia (50-1 to win the tournament)

National Claim to Fame:

(This space left intentionally blank)

Are the Croats any good at football? 

They are ranked by UEFA as the 7th best European team. Croatia is one of the newer members of the international soccer community, as one of several national federations that came about as a result of the dissolution of Yugoslavia.

Their first competitive tournament was Euro ’96 in England, but Croatia first shined at the 1998 World Cup in France, where they obliterated Ze Germans 3-0 in the quarterfinals and lost narrowly to the hosts and eventual Champions France. Davor Šuker won the Golden Boot award for being the tournament’s top goalscorer. [Read more...]

Euro 2012: Who to Hate in Group B

I’m your correspondent and I approve this message.

Yesterday, this bellwether of popular opinion brought you a preview of Group A of the 2012 European Championships soccer tournament, co-hosted by Poland and Ukraine and kicking off on Friday, June 8. It’s not a very strong group, and whoever advances will almost certainly be snuffed out in the quarterfinals by two of the four participants profiled below.

GROUP B: The Group of Death

1. Denmark (80-1 to win the tournament)

National Claim to Fame:

Ham, Hans Christian Andersen, Niels Bohr

Are the Danes any good at football? 

The Danes are ranked by UEFA as the 10th best European team. At the 1992 tournament in Sweden, Denmark was brought in as a last-minute replacement for Yugoslavia, which could not compete because their country was descending into civil war. The unfancied replacement team only went and won the whole thing in one of the great Cinderella stories in all of sport. [Read more...]

Euro 2012: Who to Hate in Group A

Creepy Aryan cousins and mascots Slavek and Slavko.

Oh hooray for the never ending cycle of soccer, the better to distract you plebeians from the ongoing kleptocracy, ha ha ha.

Every four years, the best national teams in Europe meet for a summer tournament of football, culture clashes, and RAYCESSISM. This starts up again on Friday in lovely Poland and the Ukraine, known hereafter as “Polkraine”, which sounds like it should be a village in Northern Ireland.

You, uneducated peasant, should watch this competition. It helps to pick a team to root for in each of the four groups and to bet your hard earned drug money on every outcome. Over the next four days, your faithful correspondent will preview each of the four groups as a public service, so that you too can enjoy a month of light-hearted xenophobia. [Read more...]

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