NFL Picks Are Back, And They’re Ringin’ the Bell

They’re rockin’ on the mic while the fly girls yellllllllll

Hello and welcome to the picks for week 11 in the National Football League. Are we almost out of season? YES. Are we panicking? OF COURSE. Are we going to apologize for not doing last week’s picks due to either an unfortunate smelting accident or possibly just forgetting due to senility? PROBABLY and/or MAYBE.

Let’s get this thing started, because my posse’s on the side, they’re yellin’ “Go Vanilla. Go.”

As always, home teams are in CAPS.

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How Did Scrooge McDuck Get So Rich? By Gambling on NFL Football

Scrooge McDuck is a longtime reader of the picks column right here on this very dick joke emporium. He knows well the wisdom of listening to Magic Sam, now on a hot streak of 18 straight according to a non-existent statistic that is in my head. 18 just seems like such a nice number.

Let’s get you out of those wet clothes, into a dry martini, and diving into a room filled with nothing but golden treasure that you’ve won from various bookies the world over. And then let’s say you send me a check for the heads up. Because America.

Time’s a-wastin’. Let’s make some cash money, honey. As always, home teams are in CAPS. [Read more...]

Week Nine Warpath: If Carolina Wins, We Lose

A Romney Supporter

If I was to tell you that there is an event that predicts the outcome of the presidential election with 95% accuracy, you would probably like to know what it is. ‘Cause then you can lay down some sweet parlays, and THEN you’ll be able to afford your medications when President Mitt Romney signs an Executive Order declaring Obamacare to be a white myth, like Larry Bird and Colorado.

What is this magickal leading indicator?? [Read more...]

The Weekly Pick Machine Hits The Road

As I type this, I’m watching the high desert landscape sweep by outside my window, the sagebrush covered “hills” (which you can only call them if you have no imagination whatsoever) somewhere between Albuquerque and Juarez, Mexico. In fact, just moments ago we passed the blacked-out windows of the “Juarez Transport,” featuring a driver with the best fucking beard I’ve ever seen outside of my Aunt Lulu’s house.

What I didn’t expect was to have a fleeting feeling of FREEDOM wash over me, that American ideal which can be so easily snatched away from those who do not defend it mightily (or those who do something really really bad with some really really bad people and end up in Juarez — a really really bad place).

There are those in this world who are not able to bet on football, likely because they’ve had their knees broken by their bookies and have been left in a ditch somewhere in the high desert, just awaiting the vultures and drug cartels to do what they do.

But we are not they. Lo, we must prepare for the weekend’s feast of football so we may win ALL THE MUNNEEZ, because when it comes to us and the bookies and cartels? Magic Sam is in charge. Magic Sam does the fuckin’.

Let’s pick some fuckin’ games and win some fuckin’ money. As always, home teams are in CAPS. [Read more...]

ZOMG Racist Donald Trump Bombshell Imminent! (UPDATED)

LOLFASE!

UPDATE: You gotta be fucking kidding me. The noteworthy political genius Donald Trump thinks he can extort President Barry Bamz into releasing his college and passport applications and records by dangling a $5 million charitable donation to worthy foundations of the president’s choice, for “transparency”.

In other news, the trust fund that is the sole proprietor of The Daily Dickpunch.com, Ltd. will make a donation of £5 million pounds sterling to the first person who can verify that the unidentified creature living atop Donald Trump’s inflated head has had all of its vaccinations.

Here’s a video of Mr. Trump’s earth-shattering announcement, which surely will redefine what it means to be a “bombshell”, forever:

Mr. Trump, for the good of ‘Merica, please self-terminate immediately.
____________________________________________________

You guys, I am SO FUCKING STOKED to hear Donald Trump’s big announcement on Twitter later this morning, which is guaranteed (by that noted bankrupt) to shake up the presidential race between Willard, Lord Mittens de Romné and the noted Irish street hustla Barry O’Bummer.

What pray tell could it be? COCKTOBER SURPRISE? I sure hope so.

Here are the top ten possibilities, based on the betting market that I just concocted in my sleep-deprived zombie state:  [Read more...]

Win Money Here!

According to a statistic from my more-than-faulty memory, I’m better than .500 this year on NFL picks. So HIGH FIVE, we can all make money gambling on professional sporting men running into each other at high rates of speed! EXCELSIOR!

Lots of crazy things happening with NFL bets recently. Last night’s Seahawks/Niners game had an estimated $75 Million swing in the closing moments when noted psychopath Jim Harbaugh declined a safety on a penalty in the end zone in order to take over possession and run out the clock, leaving the game with a 7 point win when the line was 7.5. Oops. Sorry, people who took the Niners laying points. That’s why you SHOULDN’T GAMBLE, is what someone would say if they were sanctimonious assholes. Which I very clearly am not.

Of course, last week was almost thrown into upheaval when Denver spotted the Chargers 24 points and looked like two retards humping a doorknob for the better part of the first half. Then of course, Peyton Manning happened and we all lived happily ever after and got to laugh at Philip Rivers doing Philip Rivers things the end. Hooray for that. And hooray for winning.

Speaking of winning, let’s heal the rift in this most contentious political season. With winning. Winning the way it was intended: together.

Home teams, as always, in CAPS. Let’s GET IT ON. [Read more...]

Burning Barns: Your Broncos/Chargers Monday Night Preview

Broncos! Chargers! Manning! Rivers! Dick jokes! Poop stains!

Exclamation points!

Tonight’s game will be a barn-burner. The over/under is 49.5, and neither team plays particularly good defense. The middle of the Broncos defense is soft like Charmin and the outsides of the Chargers defense are easy. Like Sunday morning (on Monday night). So if you’re a gambling man, put some money down and maybe pay down that lifestyle you already can’t afford.

Honestly, this game could go either way, but in either case it’s going to be one hell of a ride. The line on this game has moved, from -2.5 for San Diego a few days ago to a -1 for Denver in the last 24 hours or so, meaning action in the sports books must be awfully even. Denver is a road favorite, against a team they’ve gone 3-6 against in the last 9 meetings? Believe it, my brothers and sisters, for this is the age of optimism in Colorado, and we’re still “hoping” for “change” in our football team. [Read more...]

Bet The House!

Oh man, gonna be a big weekend. As always, the records show the good teams and the bad teams, but unlike most years some of these “bad” teams are actually pretty salty, losing by few points each week and managing to hang tough when things start to get out of hand.

Not to ruin the surprise, but we’re taking a bunch of dogs this week, so if you play your cards right (and if the trends continue) you should be able to make some money off your filthy, disgusting bookie. Or as I call her, “Mom.”

On to the picks (Home teams in CAPS): [Read more...]

The Morning Wood: One Month Til Salvation

I’ve got some great news, you guys. We’re a month out from the election, which means that we’re one month from High Lord Hairgel Sir Mittens of Romneybot being elected as Supreme Commander of The Poors, Middle Classes, and Especially The Rich, which means we’re one month away from the economy magically righting itself thanks to the Stormin’ Mormon’s shiny NEW POLICY FOR AMERICA WHICH IS TOP SECRET, FOR SOME REASON.

I don’t know about you, but I’m totes excited.

Here’s how I look at it: you know that rush you get from gambling? You put all your chips down on the table — on black, if you listen to Wesley Snipes as I do — and your heart pounds as you watch the ball rolling and bouncing around in the wheel, uncertain if you’re about to become rich and therefore curry favor with the Republican Party of Jesus Dollar Sign Christ, or if you’re about to enter a life of dead-end prostitution wherein you sell your body on the streets to pay for food for your 27 illegitimate children.

Since we don’t know what Mittens’ policies actually are, what they’d do, and since he keeps changing his mind about what his tax plan actually does — is it a cut across the board? Or is it not? WE DON’T KNOW EITHER — every single day will feel like a night in Monte Carlo Atlantic City. Sure you’ll be dirty, and broke, and smoking 10,000 cigarettes while waiting for your life to end in either a hail of gunfire or a back-alley dumpster, but won’t it be exciting?

Place your bets.

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Grizzlies Vs. Bears for Ursidae Supremacy

Bear attack!

Well, not really. The Montana Grizzlies (2-2) meet the Northern Colorado Bears (who cares? They’re terrible) at Nottingham Field in scenic (and awful, and smelly) Greeley, Colorado. These aren’t your Magic Sam’s Montana Grizzlies, accusations of a Program Out Of Control have cost the team players, a coach, and an athletic director, and the Griz find themselves outside of the top 25 of the FCS for the first time in 89 years, according to a statistic I just made up.

I will be there, along with The Bunk, Alan The Young, Vincent Casablancas (allegedly) and several others in our rarified rooting interest, cheering our Griz through the murky air, filled with the stench of cow droppings and beheaded cattle.

In other words, I can’t wait!

Will there be beer? Naturally. The finest 8 pack of Cold Smoke from Kettlehouse Brewing Co. in Missoula, along with a sixer of limited edition (and therefore delicious) Slow Elk Oatmeal Stout from Big Sky are my contributions to the meat-and-beer-fest we will be enjoying.

Will there be football? Yes, the Griz will play football, along with the closest approximation that the UNC Bears can come up with. I’m not anticipating much, but two years ago when I attended this game, they managed to keep it close.

For the first quarter of the first quarter, or so.

Prediction: Montana 41, UNC 10

After the jump for some pro-football betting lines and how to get yourself rich.

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