Has The Morning Wood Got a Deal For YOU

Artist's rendering

Artist’s rendering

Your Morning Wood is nothing if not a dealmaker, people, so let’s be frank: when something comes along as good as this, we have no choice but to write it up and deliver it to your plate first thing in the morning.

I’ll back up. Have you ever wished to live in pristine wilderness and mountainy goodness? Ever wished you could shop within the confines of your own walled city? Need to find your chi in the backwoods of Idaho?

Do you hate Libruls enough that you’d completely cut all of them out of your life because they’re not nearly patriotic enough to be near you and your 8,000 Amurrkan flags, and would like to live a Librul-free existence?

Have I got a deal for YOU. [Read more...]

The Morning Wood is on the RG3 Wagon

bitchesWell, that was something.

Giants/Redskins is always one hell of a game, with emotions on high and logic on low and people getting their knees destroyed, and last night was no exception to those very important rules. But holy hell, is Robert Griffin III the real deal or what? He’s more real deal than Real Deal Holyfield. More genuine than Ginuwine. And he may well be the best rookie in college football.

Sure, Andrew Luck is having a good season in Indianapolis, and both franchises are going to be very happy with their respective quarterbacks for a very, very long time. We know this.

But is Luck earning Rookie of the Year honors? Or will it be Griffin III? [Read more...]

The Morning Wood Is A Winner

Good morning and hello! Did you win the Powerballs last night? You did NOT win the Powerballs last night? Imagine my surprise at this surprising and shocking news! SURPRISEFASE.

Powerballs, in the words of Detective Bunk Moreland, is nothing but a tax on people who can’t do math and daydream too much. In short, he purchased three tickets.

Your intrepid correspondent, however, DID win. At life. And blogging. And your favorite dick joke/soshulist propaganda blogging site is always a winner. For you. For freedom. For links and liberty. [Read more...]

These People Deserve Each Other

Not the United States.

In order to understand the latest Israel-Gaza conflict through the prism of the seemingly unending Arab-Israeli conflict, one need only turn to one of the most brilliantly concise explanations ever written: “It’s the latest version of the longest-running play in the Middle East, which, if I were to give it a title, would be called, Two Groups of Racist Assholes Endlessly Killing Each Other.” Although Matt Taibbi was referring to the atrociously amazing writing of one Thomas Friedman, this should not obscure the point. If that sounds like flippant analysis, that’s because it is. It is flippant precisely because it is a meaningless fight between two deeply racist communities based entirely upon equal parts machismo, religiosity, stubbornness, tribalism and the ownership of a very specific number of arid, dry and generally useless square kilometers. Obviously it is not meaningless to the combatants, but it is (or at least should be) to Americans. [Read more...]

The Morning Wood: Leftovers

Ha, ha, Thanksgiving just happened so you totally have leftovers in your fridge, you DICK! A variation of that is how nearly every blog post and article is going to start for you this morning; ready yourself.

Actually, there was much that happened this weekend we were all so thankful for the things we had and then threatened to stab people in line at K-Mart because they had something we didn’t, or got into fights over plastic crap, or got arrested. Special times, my dear Bros. America wins again. [Read more...]

The Morning Wood is Thankful for Something. Probably.

Good morning, Richards.

And so it was, after a weekend away with friends, watching my college football team lose at home to their chief rival, drinking far too much beer and puking up what was left of my stomach lining (after New Mexico red chile burned off the first layer), saying yes after a day of drinking high gravity beer to the question, “Hey, does anyone want some whiskey?” from an earnest and lovely young woman, and possibly being roofied, that I returned home to my flat fortified compound in south-central Denver.

To find no toilet paper. And my car with a flat tire.

Yep. This is my life. [Read more...]

The Morning Wood: Denial Edition

He still doesn’t get it.

We really honestly and truly did not expect to be writing about one W. Mittens Romney again in this space, at least not for a while, until he decides it’s still “his turn” and reinvents himself — AGAIN — to be what he thinks voters want from a President of Central Casting.

But His High Lord Hairgel, Captain Haircut, Lord Just For Men, King Touch of Gray, just cannot stay out of our hearts and minds for very long. Don’t call it a comeback! [Read more...]

Let my people go! No really, just let them GO. GO, people. GO NOW.

So apparently, undocumented mental cases in 30 states have started petitions to allow their state to secede from the union.

Now, I could go on a rant about how INCREDIBLY STUPID these people are, but I think it’s been done. I could say something about how the 155 people in Pennsylvania might just not be truly representative of the rest of the state they want to rip away from Momma ‘Merica… but I think that’s obvious.

So. I’ve created my own petition… which I URGE YOU ALL to sign. The text, and link, are below:

we petition the obama administration to:

Please assist all the secessionists in moving somewhere, like Texas, then let them secede. The rest of us are TIRED.

Four score and about 7 minutes ago, those of us who are not prone to histrionics, and are pretty sure there will still be an America in 4 years, came to the conclusion that the problems we currently face are really really paranoid people who lack a basic understanding of things like ‘separation of powers,’ and ‘government,’ and ‘macro-economics.’ In the vacancy formed by rational thought, fear and ignorance floods in like the tide. Words like ‘socialism’ and ‘communism’ get tossed out, without the tosser actually knowing what those words mean.

Maybe it’s time we just let them all congregate in one place, build a big wall around themselves, and leave the rest of us alone so we can get on with the work of making America stronger and better? What say you, rational Americans?

PETITION

The Intellectual Dishonesty Of The Gee Oh Pee

The other day, I wrote that one of the things the GOPers need to keep in mind about the next four years is they can’t just appeal to Hispanics by nominating Marco Rubio.

For that matter, they can’t just expect to appeal to a certain demographic by nominating somebody from that demographic.

Douglas Lee at It’s All Over Fat Man brings up an excellent point about how “analysts” go about their business in discussing rookie quarterbacks Andrew Luck and Robert Griffin III — long story short, Luck is supposed to be the classic dropback passer while RG3 is all about ATHLETICISM and somehow we should be surprised when either guy shows us stuff that goes outside the lines of the picture we want to paint.

As Doug sums it up: It’s intellectually dishonest.

And that’s one of our biggest problems with politics. Too much discussion is intellectually dishonest (read: Extremely Stupid Pundit Narrative) and no better example can be found that the GOP trying to figure out what went wrong in 2012. [Read more...]

The Morning Wood Has a Hangover

My mother is so proud, you guys.

Oh hi! Did you people have a nice Veterans Day/Bastille Day/Kurt Vonnegut’s Birthday? You DID? Well, I think that’s just wonderful. I climbed into a bottle of whiskey, drank it, and went looking for more at a rap battle (yeah, I don’t know), then went to more bars just before closing. It was eventful.

I am hungover.

So, here. Read this. It’s about ESPN and how they’ve followed noted sniveling little shit Skip Bayless all the way to the bottom when it comes to embarrassing themselves about Tim Tebow. As always, Thank You, John Elway.

Also, too, read this as well. It’s all about the US America having a class war in the last election, and what that could mean going forward. It’s an excellent read.

I’m off to pound Advil and water. Zentrist will be along shortly to make you think about things.

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