So Now What?

goodbye1Good morning, peasants.

It is with a great deal little bit of sadness that Detective Bunk Moreland and I have decided to pursue some projects not involving dick jokes or dick punching or the like, such as movie scripts, and TV pilots, and reality show ideas, and x-ray specs. Because of this, our little concern, heretofore known as “The Daily Dickpunch,” will cease to exist in its current incarnation once 2013 begins.

And between now and then, what with the holidays and decking the halls and me possibly breaking my ribs, maybe, we just aren’t going to be posting daily dispatches on the page you’re currently reading. So you’ll have to get your fix of dix elsewhere.

If you’re good — and you’ve been very, very good to us, to the tune of more than 65,000 hits over the year or so we’ve been making this a Daily Dickpunch — we’ll give you a winter break reading list to tide you over until the first of the year.

And sure, if something comes up that needs a-bloggin’, we’ll post it and you’ll see it on our Facebook or Twitter, and then you’ll read it, and then you’ll think about what might have been and what you might have done differently to keep this fate at bay just a little while longer.

And, because the good Detective and I are assholes, the first anyone is hearing of this is this very blog post, so to our intrepid reporters, thank you for your hard work and excellent writing; we couldn’t have done it without you. You’re always welcome to post more things while we’re on this break or during the start of the next phase, whenever that begins and whatever it looks like.

So, I say to you all: adieu. Have fun storming the castle.

Has The Morning Wood Got a Deal For YOU

Artist's rendering

Artist’s rendering

Your Morning Wood is nothing if not a dealmaker, people, so let’s be frank: when something comes along as good as this, we have no choice but to write it up and deliver it to your plate first thing in the morning.

I’ll back up. Have you ever wished to live in pristine wilderness and mountainy goodness? Ever wished you could shop within the confines of your own walled city? Need to find your chi in the backwoods of Idaho?

Do you hate Libruls enough that you’d completely cut all of them out of your life because they’re not nearly patriotic enough to be near you and your 8,000 Amurrkan flags, and would like to live a Librul-free existence?

Have I got a deal for YOU. [Read more...]

Happy Anniversary, Josh McDaniels!

lol later doods

lol later doods

Yes, you mindless sack, it’s your anniversary. Welcome to it. We’ve got some cupcakes over there, some champagne to celebrate. You don’t get to have any, because you are a fucking failure. A failure as a head coach, a failure as a person.

You’re a fucking doucheburger.

It was two years ago today that you were kicked to the fucking curb. Following the trading of a franchise quarterback, a franchise receiver, a very popular and allegedly hard-working scrappy runner, you replaced all of them with players who were not better, not close to better, in fact much worse. Then, in a move that will be remembered as the final nail in your coffin, you managed to completely shit the bed by taping a 49ers practice in London, kicking off a scandal that embarrassed the team, its owner, and its fans.

Nevermind that the team was a consistent threat to win the division every year prior to your arrival. Nevermind that the worst season in the last three decades came on your watch.

John Elway had to save us yet again from a fate worse than death when he sat in the EVP chair and started making decisions — good decisions — which positively affected the franchise after essentially weathering the storm you brought down upon it.

“Sure,” you say, “but did Elway draft Tim Tebow and Knowshon Moreno and trade a first for Alphonso Smith and give up a fourth for a blocking tight end who was rated as a 7th round prospect?” No, you twat, and that’s exactly the point.

Two years ago, the healing began.

Thank you, John Elway.

In the comments: Where were you the day Kennedy was shot McDaniels was fired?

Today’s a day for much celebration, and not just for shitcanning a terrible coach. No, December 5 has historical significance, for on this day in 1933, Prohibition ended.

See? Good day.

The Morning Wood is on the RG3 Wagon

bitchesWell, that was something.

Giants/Redskins is always one hell of a game, with emotions on high and logic on low and people getting their knees destroyed, and last night was no exception to those very important rules. But holy hell, is Robert Griffin III the real deal or what? He’s more real deal than Real Deal Holyfield. More genuine than Ginuwine. And he may well be the best rookie in college football.

Sure, Andrew Luck is having a good season in Indianapolis, and both franchises are going to be very happy with their respective quarterbacks for a very, very long time. We know this.

But is Luck earning Rookie of the Year honors? Or will it be Griffin III? [Read more...]

The Morning Wood Is A Winner

Good morning and hello! Did you win the Powerballs last night? You did NOT win the Powerballs last night? Imagine my surprise at this surprising and shocking news! SURPRISEFASE.

Powerballs, in the words of Detective Bunk Moreland, is nothing but a tax on people who can’t do math and daydream too much. In short, he purchased three tickets.

Your intrepid correspondent, however, DID win. At life. And blogging. And your favorite dick joke/soshulist propaganda blogging site is always a winner. For you. For freedom. For links and liberty. [Read more...]

The Morning Wood: Leftovers

Ha, ha, Thanksgiving just happened so you totally have leftovers in your fridge, you DICK! A variation of that is how nearly every blog post and article is going to start for you this morning; ready yourself.

Actually, there was much that happened this weekend we were all so thankful for the things we had and then threatened to stab people in line at K-Mart because they had something we didn’t, or got into fights over plastic crap, or got arrested. Special times, my dear Bros. America wins again. [Read more...]

The Morning Wood is Thankful for Something. Probably.

Good morning, Richards.

And so it was, after a weekend away with friends, watching my college football team lose at home to their chief rival, drinking far too much beer and puking up what was left of my stomach lining (after New Mexico red chile burned off the first layer), saying yes after a day of drinking high gravity beer to the question, “Hey, does anyone want some whiskey?” from an earnest and lovely young woman, and possibly being roofied, that I returned home to my flat fortified compound in south-central Denver.

To find no toilet paper. And my car with a flat tire.

Yep. This is my life. [Read more...]

NFL Picks Are Back, And They’re Ringin’ the Bell

They’re rockin’ on the mic while the fly girls yellllllllll

Hello and welcome to the picks for week 11 in the National Football League. Are we almost out of season? YES. Are we panicking? OF COURSE. Are we going to apologize for not doing last week’s picks due to either an unfortunate smelting accident or possibly just forgetting due to senility? PROBABLY and/or MAYBE.

Let’s get this thing started, because my posse’s on the side, they’re yellin’ “Go Vanilla. Go.”

As always, home teams are in CAPS.

[Read more...]

The Morning Wood: Denial Edition

He still doesn’t get it.

We really honestly and truly did not expect to be writing about one W. Mittens Romney again in this space, at least not for a while, until he decides it’s still “his turn” and reinvents himself — AGAIN — to be what he thinks voters want from a President of Central Casting.

But His High Lord Hairgel, Captain Haircut, Lord Just For Men, King Touch of Gray, just cannot stay out of our hearts and minds for very long. Don’t call it a comeback! [Read more...]

The Morning Wood Has a Hangover

My mother is so proud, you guys.

Oh hi! Did you people have a nice Veterans Day/Bastille Day/Kurt Vonnegut’s Birthday? You DID? Well, I think that’s just wonderful. I climbed into a bottle of whiskey, drank it, and went looking for more at a rap battle (yeah, I don’t know), then went to more bars just before closing. It was eventful.

I am hungover.

So, here. Read this. It’s about ESPN and how they’ve followed noted sniveling little shit Skip Bayless all the way to the bottom when it comes to embarrassing themselves about Tim Tebow. As always, Thank You, John Elway.

Also, too, read this as well. It’s all about the US America having a class war in the last election, and what that could mean going forward. It’s an excellent read.

I’m off to pound Advil and water. Zentrist will be along shortly to make you think about things.

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