Hail to the #Failskins

20130107-224202.jpgWhen Robert Griffin (RG)III, the young star quarterback of the Washington Racists Redskins caught his toe in the chewed-up turf at FedEx Field® on Sunday night as he fell across the sideline in a vain attempt to put his team two touchdowns ahead of the Seattle Sea Hawks, his resultant gimpy hop/walk back to the huddle sent alarm bells ringing in the minds of all Sons of Washington.

The federal district, not the state. Those football-watching Washingtonians who get to have U.S. Senators and some semblance of autonomy from Congress instead found themselves salivating like Pavlov’s pomeranian at the prospect of three quarters against badly damaged opposition, and who could blame them? It was pre-obvious that our most precious resource (RGIII, to hell with The Children), would be kept in far too long at the risk of his health and the Skins’ hopes of advancing to the divisional round of the playoffs.

[Read more...]

Has The Morning Wood Got a Deal For YOU

Artist's rendering

Artist’s rendering

Your Morning Wood is nothing if not a dealmaker, people, so let’s be frank: when something comes along as good as this, we have no choice but to write it up and deliver it to your plate first thing in the morning.

I’ll back up. Have you ever wished to live in pristine wilderness and mountainy goodness? Ever wished you could shop within the confines of your own walled city? Need to find your chi in the backwoods of Idaho?

Do you hate Libruls enough that you’d completely cut all of them out of your life because they’re not nearly patriotic enough to be near you and your 8,000 Amurrkan flags, and would like to live a Librul-free existence?

Have I got a deal for YOU. [Read more...]

Happy Anniversary, Josh McDaniels!

lol later doods

lol later doods

Yes, you mindless sack, it’s your anniversary. Welcome to it. We’ve got some cupcakes over there, some champagne to celebrate. You don’t get to have any, because you are a fucking failure. A failure as a head coach, a failure as a person.

You’re a fucking doucheburger.

It was two years ago today that you were kicked to the fucking curb. Following the trading of a franchise quarterback, a franchise receiver, a very popular and allegedly hard-working scrappy runner, you replaced all of them with players who were not better, not close to better, in fact much worse. Then, in a move that will be remembered as the final nail in your coffin, you managed to completely shit the bed by taping a 49ers practice in London, kicking off a scandal that embarrassed the team, its owner, and its fans.

Nevermind that the team was a consistent threat to win the division every year prior to your arrival. Nevermind that the worst season in the last three decades came on your watch.

John Elway had to save us yet again from a fate worse than death when he sat in the EVP chair and started making decisions — good decisions — which positively affected the franchise after essentially weathering the storm you brought down upon it.

“Sure,” you say, “but did Elway draft Tim Tebow and Knowshon Moreno and trade a first for Alphonso Smith and give up a fourth for a blocking tight end who was rated as a 7th round prospect?” No, you twat, and that’s exactly the point.

Two years ago, the healing began.

Thank you, John Elway.

In the comments: Where were you the day Kennedy was shot McDaniels was fired?

Today’s a day for much celebration, and not just for shitcanning a terrible coach. No, December 5 has historical significance, for on this day in 1933, Prohibition ended.

See? Good day.

The Morning Wood is on the RG3 Wagon

bitchesWell, that was something.

Giants/Redskins is always one hell of a game, with emotions on high and logic on low and people getting their knees destroyed, and last night was no exception to those very important rules. But holy hell, is Robert Griffin III the real deal or what? He’s more real deal than Real Deal Holyfield. More genuine than Ginuwine. And he may well be the best rookie in college football.

Sure, Andrew Luck is having a good season in Indianapolis, and both franchises are going to be very happy with their respective quarterbacks for a very, very long time. We know this.

But is Luck earning Rookie of the Year honors? Or will it be Griffin III? [Read more...]

Come And Listen To My Story About A Man Named Jay

So this past weekend, ESPN analyst Tom Jackson got up in arms about Chicago Bears Jay Cutler not saying hello to a security guard and that this proves the point that There’s Something About Jay Cutler, where it may be nothing but it’s still something.

And that prompted the likes of Awful Announcing to go into detail about what goes into the Extremely Stupid Pundit Narrative.

But in Cutler’s case, the narrative isn’t always about how Awful Announcing describes it — there are those guilty of making Cutler out to be better than he really is. [Read more...]

The Morning Wood is Thankful for Something. Probably.

Good morning, Richards.

And so it was, after a weekend away with friends, watching my college football team lose at home to their chief rival, drinking far too much beer and puking up what was left of my stomach lining (after New Mexico red chile burned off the first layer), saying yes after a day of drinking high gravity beer to the question, “Hey, does anyone want some whiskey?” from an earnest and lovely young woman, and possibly being roofied, that I returned home to my flat fortified compound in south-central Denver.

To find no toilet paper. And my car with a flat tire.

Yep. This is my life. [Read more...]

The Morning Wood Has The Munchies

Happy Monday, you maleficent mooching mediocrities! Here’s everything you need to know:

Broncoz!
Yesterday was a good day for the home-town heroes a/k/a the Denver Broncos FC, as they obliterated Philip Rivers and the hated San Diego Chargers 30-23 at scenic Sports Authority Field® at Mile High. Peyton Manning, who will likely be the first fetus voted into the NFL Hall of Fame, was 25-42 for 250 yards, three touchdowns and one unfortunate deflected interception that put the Whale’s Vagina up early in the first quarter.

Young Von Miller continues to be a menace to opposing quarterbacks, registering his league-leading eleventh, twelfth, and thirteenth sacks of the season yesterday, causing two fumbles. If the Broncos can add to the depth chart at middle linebacker through the draft or free agency they will have assembled perhaps the stingiest defense in the league, which when coupled with the attacking stylings of P. Manning portends domination in 2013 and beyond. 
[Read more...]

NFL Picks Are Back, And They’re Ringin’ the Bell

They’re rockin’ on the mic while the fly girls yellllllllll

Hello and welcome to the picks for week 11 in the National Football League. Are we almost out of season? YES. Are we panicking? OF COURSE. Are we going to apologize for not doing last week’s picks due to either an unfortunate smelting accident or possibly just forgetting due to senility? PROBABLY and/or MAYBE.

Let’s get this thing started, because my posse’s on the side, they’re yellin’ “Go Vanilla. Go.”

As always, home teams are in CAPS.

[Read more...]

The Morning Wood Has a Hangover

My mother is so proud, you guys.

Oh hi! Did you people have a nice Veterans Day/Bastille Day/Kurt Vonnegut’s Birthday? You DID? Well, I think that’s just wonderful. I climbed into a bottle of whiskey, drank it, and went looking for more at a rap battle (yeah, I don’t know), then went to more bars just before closing. It was eventful.

I am hungover.

So, here. Read this. It’s about ESPN and how they’ve followed noted sniveling little shit Skip Bayless all the way to the bottom when it comes to embarrassing themselves about Tim Tebow. As always, Thank You, John Elway.

Also, too, read this as well. It’s all about the US America having a class war in the last election, and what that could mean going forward. It’s an excellent read.

I’m off to pound Advil and water. Zentrist will be along shortly to make you think about things.

How Did Scrooge McDuck Get So Rich? By Gambling on NFL Football

Scrooge McDuck is a longtime reader of the picks column right here on this very dick joke emporium. He knows well the wisdom of listening to Magic Sam, now on a hot streak of 18 straight according to a non-existent statistic that is in my head. 18 just seems like such a nice number.

Let’s get you out of those wet clothes, into a dry martini, and diving into a room filled with nothing but golden treasure that you’ve won from various bookies the world over. And then let’s say you send me a check for the heads up. Because America.

Time’s a-wastin’. Let’s make some cash money, honey. As always, home teams are in CAPS. [Read more...]

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