Gone Fishin’

Good Morning.

The hard-working editors of this storied news paper are taking the week off in honor of LIBERTEE, FREEDUMB, and INDUHPENDENCE from the noted tyrant King George III.

Be sure to enjoy your charred factory-farmed animal carcasses and gratuitous displays of nationalism.

If you should find it difficult to go twenty-four hours without snark, do have a look at some of the sites that inspire us to blatantly rip them off write our award-winning* commentary on current events, sporting drama, and penis humor.

1. Wonkette – All the DeeCee gossip. The site that launched the careers of geniuses like Ana Marie Cox, Jim Newell, Sara Benincasa, Jack Stuef, and so many more!

2. Deadspin – Sporting news without access or discretion.

3. Kissing Suzy Kolber – Simply the best NFL humor site out there.

3. Gawker – The mothership of all snark.

4. Jezebel - Featuring the loveliest of lady smart-asses.

See you on July 9th, degenerates!

*not intended to be a factual statement

Leave Your Message After The Beep

Okay, so we’re not fishing. We’re just too busy to do the Lord’s work, aka: write for this dick joke-centered blog.

Will be back tomorrow, unless something crazy happens and we’re back today.

Good talk. See you out there.

Schadenfreude: lol Boston

Boston’s Manager:

Boston’s mascot:

Boston’s record:

0-1

Me, when thinking about Boston’s record:

Suck it, Boston.

Who Is Mittens Romney Nerd Link of the Day

by DonkeyHotey on flickr

 

Who exactly is behind the enigmatic, focus-grouped, PR-spun façade that has become 2012’s Great White Hope a/k/a W. Mittens Romney?

Read this enjoyable piece from Frank Rich at New York magazine to tide you over for my early afternoon piece, in which your correspondent will explain why he got punched in the face by a little Asian man last night.

Powder Day!


Well, we only had to wait til the third week in January for a truly epic powder day here in Steamboat, but it finally arrived. I’m out doing what is depicted above. The lentil soup-eating cretin you all know as The Bunk has been laid low by food poisoning, but he says he’ll have something up around noon.

Until then, I’ll be on the Gondola, and he’ll be in the ladies’ room.

Five Things We Learned from the Iowa Caucuses

This fills me with a nameless dread.

Greetings Libtards and Wingnutz,

Are you totally fucking stoked for the 2012 election cycle??

Your correspondent can’t wait to find out which morally defective Real ‘Merican wins the privilege of having his (or her? ha ha ha) ass kicked by the Kenyan Prime Minister Barack Hussein Obama and his billion dollar zulu war chest in the general election.

Here are five things you degenerate political junkies can take away from last night’s festivities (in no particular order):

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BCS Is Better: San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl

[Note: The editors were tempted to leave this one alone, if only because one of the most delightful, fun, intelligent, fit, downright angelic women either of us have ever met is an alumna of and graduate student at one of these fine, worldly institutions of higher education and we don't want to make her a sad panda... ha ha, who are we kidding?]

"Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island??!?"

Hey, that’s a sexy outfit you’re wearing. I know you worked hard all year to look good in that top, doing extra sets with the hand weights and making sure you had perfect form to create those long, slender, lean muscles that look so good whether covered up or exposed to the world.

But you’re a smart one; you knew that diet was two thirds of the battle and no amount of exercise would make up for the soda and alcohol and hydrogenated oils and overly processed starch and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and factory-farmed meat and pesticide-drenched produce. That juicer you bought wiped out the laughably low balance in your checking account but who can argue with the results?

True, those first few weeks were rough. But once you flushed the toxins out of your system and started drinking water again those cravings for Taco Bell and cheesecake dissipated and the pounds just melted right off. You sexy beast. If you carry on like this I am going to lose my concentration, as well as the bloodflow necessary to strike the keyboard efficiently. Cut it out!

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BCS Is Better: Beef O’Brady’s Bowl

Field of Dreams

Oh man, do you know how excited I am for the all-out war that’ll be taking place at 8pm ET tonight on ESPN? I’m not talking about college playoffs, because college playoffs are stupid and wrong.

I’m talking Beef O’Brady’s Bowl. Catch the Beef O’Brady’s Bowl fever (which is not to be confused with the fever you’d get from ACTUALLY EATING AT Beef O’Brady’s, which appears to be some kind of redneck Applebee’s). Two teams, one with a .500 record, both from dogshit conferences, doing battle in a dogshit baseball stadium in a dogshit city.

Guys you’ve never heard of! Average at best statistics! Teams nobody cares about! A result that means nothing! Marshall! Florida International!

Because “Every Game Matters.”

Seriously, it’s “contests” like the Beef O’Brady’s Bowl that keep D-1 football from having a playoff system, instead contributing to the farce that is a fake National Champ, a fake “voting system,” and the most meaningful contest in the land decided not on the field, but in a board room. Because Beef O’Brady’s Bowl allegedly makes money, though I’m not sure how that’s possible. Who is going to watch this game?

Anyway, enough snark. Let’s preview this sucker.

[Read more...]

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