The Morning Wood Is So High on Tryptophan Right Now

Happy Gluttony Day, sinners!

Before You People gather to give thanks to Jebus for fried avian carcasses and deep discounts on crap you don’t need, check out these links for truth, justice, and the American Way™, Amen.

Elections!
Were you under the impression that Kenyan Prime Minster B. Hussein NOBAMA won reëlection comfortably earlier this month, just as Intrade and the number-crunching geniuses Nate Silver and Sam Wang suggested he would?

Hahaha, you pitiful sheep.  [Read more...]

The Morning Wood is Sincere

We get accused of a lot of things here at this little Dick Joke Emporium you’ve come to love tolerate. “The editors are extremely bright, handsome and talented.” True. “That Bowtie guy is a centrist Democrat; I think he’s putting me on.” VERY true, even if he doesn’t know it. “Mlle. Bébé Gottbach – Ph.D is the hottest thing since sliced bread.” Yep.

But one thing you could never accuse the members of this site of is being insincere.

It’s a trait that we — all of us — share with our newly re-elected President, Mr. Barack Hussein Nobama Soetero Benghazi A-La Mutombo.

That was brought into stark relief last night, as I finally saw the video that had been flying around the interwebz for a few hours and is likely everywhere today. [Read more...]

What Four More Years™ Means to the Cockpunching Community, Part 1

Yesterday, we made you all a simple solitication: A penny for i.) your thoughts about what a second term for Noted Afrikan Warlord B. HUSSEIN Obama means to you and ii.) various unspecified sexual favors. Let’s just say we were quite… satisfied with your response.

So much so that in the interest of brevity we had to bifurcate your submissions into two distinct blog posts, because we are Dividers, Not Uniters. Here’s the first batch:  [Read more...]

The Morning Wood: Rejoice

So. How’s everybody doing today? Everyone feeling lively and quick and definitely not hung over at all? Yeah, definitely me too as well.

Truth is, the faithful correspondents from Your Most Trusted Dick Joke Source® had a bit of a late night, what with all the nail-biting and the picture posing and the Gangnam Style-ing that happened over the last, oh, let’s call it 12 hours or so. Following Kenyan Usurper Barry Hussein Soetero NOBAMA’s glorious re-election to the highest office in the land, we danced and frolicked and wondered why we’d worried in the first place. We really had no reason to do so.

You know all that stuff about Lord Touch of Gray Mittens Hussein O’Romney being unlikable because he’s, like, a rich guy who holds down gay kids and shaves their heads to teach them a lesson and then fucking brags about it like some kind of… some kind of… guy who does shit like that? Know all that stuff about him being out of touch with REAL AMURRKA because his wife’s fucking dancing horse gets better healthcare than most humans we know? You remember how he said it wasn’t his problem to deal with half the fucking country? Yeah, that shit matters. [Read more...]

What America Needs Right Now

Today is Election Day in the land of the free and home of the brave.  Yesterday, you read my endorsement of Mitt Romney, but some of my friends told me that the post seemed out of place.  I figured it was just because Barack the Maleficent Magnificent has plenty of support in this corner of Al Gore’s Interwebs, but they made it clear that it was the tone and not the content.  Therefore, let me be the lone voice of reason funded by private equity earnings, not redistributed soshulist wages like the librul gents behind this blog.

As a moderate pro-choice pro-gay rights Jewish loyal Republican, I felt the need to come to my man Mitt’s defense.  Let me be clear – he’s not perfect.  He’s moved too far right for my liking, in deference to the all-too-powerful social conservatives in my party.  Like Michael Bloomberg, I would have been more excited about supporting Mitt Romney circa 2003 than Mitt Romney circa 2012, but nobody’s perfect.

As a kid, I was taught the expression “If your bubbe had baitzen, she’d be your zaidy” – for those who don’t speak Yiddush, this translates roughly into “If your grandmother had testicles, she’d be your grandfather.”  In short, don’t use the word “if,” because it means nothing.  This campaign has been riddled with “ifs” and these conditional statements don’t help the President at all.  If only President Obama hadn’t inherited such a large deficit?  If only the Republican Congress played ball?  If only the economy would grow faster?  If only, if only, if only… [Read more...]

The Morning Wood: Today Matters

And so. The end is here. And we must face the final curtain.

Today. The ads will end. And we can be assaulted instead with Christmas.

This season’s been long and distinguished. Distinguished like my Johnson.

And more, much more than this, I did it myyyyyyyyyyyyyy way.

I woke this morning a nervous wreck. Yeah, I’m ready, like you are, for the ads and the campaign to be over, but I’m nervous about the outcome. Sure, effeminate mathematics man-crush Nate Silver at FiveThirtyEight has the Kenyan Prime Minister Barack HUSSEIN Obama with a 92% chance of closing out this bitch tonight, but I’m still a wreck.

Thing is, there’s so much at stake here. So, so much. That I take heat from friends and family for my political views, my cursing on this very blog, is something I can handle. It’s something I expect.

But I do it in the service of a larger idea. [Read more...]

DDP Staff Endorses Four More Years of Kenyan Anti-Colonialism

[UPDATE: Sorry for the technical glitch. The full post has been restored.]

Good morning, anchor babies.

In lieu of the Morning Wood, we asked our vaunted staff writers to weigh in on the presidential election. No equivocating, no waffling, no “on the other hand”. We asked them point blank: Who is your choice, and why?

We asked our intrepid staff this vital question on short notice, because we are disorganized and (more often than not) hung over. They delivered in a major way. Please find their inspired responses below.

[Editor's Note: Because this publication is Fair and Balanced™, we also reached out to our more thoughtful conservative friends for their final impressions on this Most Important Election Ever, Until The Next One and will post their responses throughout the morning.]
[Read more...]

The Morning Wood Is Dressing Like a Skank for Halloween

Lul.

Happy Halloween, you pagan revelers!

Before you go off trading sexual favors for Fun Size™ high fructose corn syrup treats please do bring yourself up to speed on the pressing questions of the day, like whether or not to wear underwear with your naughty librarian outfit. Oh and also current events.

Politicks!
As Magic Sam chronicled yester-day, Willard, Lord High Mittens de Romneyshire is having a rough go of it in Ohio, a state he needs to win to have a realistic shot at sending Bammers Hussein back to Kenya where he belongs. This morning, Politico weighs in on Romney and his ever-shrinking window of opportunity. FiveThirtyEight reports that while Hurricane Sandy is probably not going to swing any state towards a different presidential candidate, voter turnout in the northeastern blue states is likely to be impacted. This raises the not-insignificant probability that Barry O’Bummer could win the Electoral College and lose the national popular vote.  [Read more...]

And Then on Friday, The Morning Wood LOLed at Tim Tebow

Oh, praise be to Allah and his prophet Muhammad (Peace Be Upon Him) for it is Friday, our weekly day of coasting at work and getting schlitzed on moonshine. And not necessarily in that order.

The search term of the week is “Romney will abolish the Securities & Exchange Commission”. You heard it here first, folks.

To the links, you silly fucks! [Read more...]

The Morning Wood Calls a Bluff

Remember yesterday? Nah, me either. But it was a big day, yesterday. Lots of things happening. We reported on the Romney/Ryan campaign stop at Red Rocks on a picture perfect, warm Colorado night in October, and we told you about Donald Trump’s “bombshell” that wasn’t a bombshell at all, but was really more of a warm fart in a cold church.

To each his own, I guess.

Well, we were very impressed with Sir Mittens’ ability to get Kid Rock to play “music” for the old people in attendance, and extremely impressed he managed to get 12,000 people off the couch and up the hills to Red Rocks for a political rally! Obviously, the tide has turned and we will see glorious return to American superiority under a President Romney starting early in the morning on November 7th, because as the saying goes, “as big crowds at Red Rocks go, so goes the nation.” Or something like that.
[Read more...]

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