The Orioles Are In The Playoffs? Someone Pinch Me

Watching my beloved Baltimore Orioles take on the villainous Jan-Kees of Neue Amsterdam in the first two games of the 2012 American League Divisional Series has been scarcely believable, like those dreams you sometimes have where you’re a grown-ass adult with graduate degrees but yet find yourself back at your high school sweating on a final exam for an Advanced Placement Spanish class for which you were registered but never attended.

You don’t even know where the classroom is, but you do know that your chance of performing well on this final is roughly equal to the square root of fuckall. Passing the class will determine whether you’ll get to go to the college from which you’ve already graduated, so the pressure is enormous. It’s made worse by the constant chorus of “ARRRGH THIS IS BULLSHIT, I COMPLETED HIGH SCHOOL IN 1999!” that grows and grows until it snaps you out of your retro nightmare with a refreshing combination of cold sweat and mental exhaustion.

[Read more...]

Morning Wood: Let’s All Laugh at the Red Sox

Rooting for the Boston Red Sox is a harmless and quintessentially American youthful dalliance, like cocaine and conservatism. It’s all so exciting and new but the lustre eventually fades and all that remains is the inescapable truth: You have better things to do with your time than to engage in such frivolity.

For a brief period wherein Messrs. Theo Epstein and Terry “Tito” Francona ran the front office and dugout, respectively, the FACKIN’ SAWX did a passable imitation of a competent ball club, winning two championships and issuing regular beatdowns to the hated Noo Yawk Yankees. But all of that is over; Epstein slinked off to Chicago, Francona has presumably taken up a quiet life of hitting on younger women, and the Sox have re-occupied their rightful and historically accurate place below the Baltimore Orioles in the American League East standings.

At 57 wins and 60 losses in their 162-game regular season schedule, the baseball Wes Welkers are 12.5 games behind the loathed Yankees and 6.5 games out of contention for a Wild Card playoff berth. Should they finish the season with a losing record, it will be their first since 1997.

Yes, dear readers, it would appear that the wheels are falling off. Not for the first time this season, internal strife is leaking out to the Boston media that loves nothing more than to participate actively in Fenway meltdowns. Former Sawx General Manager Dan Duquette is drinking their milkshake from his perch in scenic Baltimore, Maryland as the GM of the rejuvenated Orioles, and Beantown’s greatest baseball servant Johnny Pesky departed this world on Monday, leaving behind a 60-year career as a player, manager, and broadcaster.

Many of the devotees of Pedroiah Nation are concerned that the Red Sox ownership has spread itself too thin after taking on the challenge of reviving the legendary Liverpool Football Club, an under-performing member of the English Premier League Brought to You by Barclays® PLC. This may or may not be true, but why don’t you try to explain the post hoc ergo propter hoc fallacy to Tommy from Quincy in between his sets of bench-pressing your underage cousin, and let me know how that works out for you.

To the links, young Padawans! [Read more...]

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 364 other followers

%d bloggers like this: