The Morning Wood Is A Winner

Good morning and hello! Did you win the Powerballs last night? You did NOT win the Powerballs last night? Imagine my surprise at this surprising and shocking news! SURPRISEFASE.

Powerballs, in the words of Detective Bunk Moreland, is nothing but a tax on people who can’t do math and daydream too much. In short, he purchased three tickets.

Your intrepid correspondent, however, DID win. At life. And blogging. And your favorite dick joke/soshulist propaganda blogging site is always a winner. For you. For freedom. For links and liberty. [Read more...]

The Morning Wood Is So High on Tryptophan Right Now

Happy Gluttony Day, sinners!

Before You People gather to give thanks to Jebus for fried avian carcasses and deep discounts on crap you don’t need, check out these links for truth, justice, and the American Way™, Amen.

Elections!
Were you under the impression that Kenyan Prime Minster B. Hussein NOBAMA won reëlection comfortably earlier this month, just as Intrade and the number-crunching geniuses Nate Silver and Sam Wang suggested he would?

Hahaha, you pitiful sheep.  [Read more...]

The Morning Wood: Denial Edition

He still doesn’t get it.

We really honestly and truly did not expect to be writing about one W. Mittens Romney again in this space, at least not for a while, until he decides it’s still “his turn” and reinvents himself — AGAIN — to be what he thinks voters want from a President of Central Casting.

But His High Lord Hairgel, Captain Haircut, Lord Just For Men, King Touch of Gray, just cannot stay out of our hearts and minds for very long. Don’t call it a comeback! [Read more...]

The Morning Wood is Sincere

We get accused of a lot of things here at this little Dick Joke Emporium you’ve come to love tolerate. “The editors are extremely bright, handsome and talented.” True. “That Bowtie guy is a centrist Democrat; I think he’s putting me on.” VERY true, even if he doesn’t know it. “Mlle. Bébé Gottbach – Ph.D is the hottest thing since sliced bread.” Yep.

But one thing you could never accuse the members of this site of is being insincere.

It’s a trait that we — all of us — share with our newly re-elected President, Mr. Barack Hussein Nobama Soetero Benghazi A-La Mutombo.

That was brought into stark relief last night, as I finally saw the video that had been flying around the interwebz for a few hours and is likely everywhere today. [Read more...]

The Morning Wood: Make Fun

You guys. YOU GUYS. Zomg.

Do you know how much fun it was to read the news sites yesterday? I had the weirdest Schaedenboner watching the guys from Fox News and a variety of other outlets eating their own. They were all “What was wrong with Romney?” and the answers were like “he was too conservative in the primary!” “no, he was not conservative enough in the general!” and “no, you fucks, he’s not relatable,” then “nobody likes him, and also too he completely ignored the minority vote and lost single women by like 37%! Also, he’s a douchenozzle!” And then they’d fight and Karl Rove would end up sitting on someone’s head and letting loose with a vicious fart. At least, that’s what I think happened next; my brain was melting because, you know, Fox News, so I had to change the channel.

RedState.com, our favorite (note: NOT favorite) blog in the whole wide red world was apoplectic, claiming that the GOP “let the Democrats choose our candidate” and that the Republican field this cycle was high quality. No, I can’t make this up. To the Block Quote!

“Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich –- were bright, attractive, and have compelling narratives.”

Seriously! Someone wrote that! And they were totally sincere and saw absolutely no problem calling Palin and Bachmann “bright and attractive”!

No wonder everyone thinks you guys are completely out of touch. You ARE completely out of touch. [Read more...]

The Morning Wood: Rejoice

So. How’s everybody doing today? Everyone feeling lively and quick and definitely not hung over at all? Yeah, definitely me too as well.

Truth is, the faithful correspondents from Your Most Trusted Dick Joke Source® had a bit of a late night, what with all the nail-biting and the picture posing and the Gangnam Style-ing that happened over the last, oh, let’s call it 12 hours or so. Following Kenyan Usurper Barry Hussein Soetero NOBAMA’s glorious re-election to the highest office in the land, we danced and frolicked and wondered why we’d worried in the first place. We really had no reason to do so.

You know all that stuff about Lord Touch of Gray Mittens Hussein O’Romney being unlikable because he’s, like, a rich guy who holds down gay kids and shaves their heads to teach them a lesson and then fucking brags about it like some kind of… some kind of… guy who does shit like that? Know all that stuff about him being out of touch with REAL AMURRKA because his wife’s fucking dancing horse gets better healthcare than most humans we know? You remember how he said it wasn’t his problem to deal with half the fucking country? Yeah, that shit matters. [Read more...]

What America Doesn’t Need Right Now

My dear friend The Bowtie published an editorial in The Pages Of This Fine Dick Joke Magazine, essentially making the case for one W. Mittens Romney, Lord Just For Men, based largely around the following premise: He’s Not Obama, And Therefore Better For America.

While I love and respect my dear friend The Bowtie (aside from his choices in British Footballing Clubs, American Baseball Clubs, and Political Parties), in the words of one Jeff Lebowski, “This aggression will not stand, man.”

Let us ignore for a moment the irony of a Republican voting for someone as a vote against the incumbent (given that we were mocked for doing just that in both 2004 AND in 2008), as well as a Jewish man voting for any Republican candidate ever, and focus on the content of his argument.

My esteemed colleague makes a good point when it comes to “what if” statements. What if Republicans hadn’t sworn to block any piece of legislation that might result in a second term for Obama? Well, the legislation would have passed. Duh. The only reason it didn’t is because Republicans refused to pass it. So, in the quiet words of President William Howard Taft, “LOL NO DOY.”

Unfortunately for The Bowtie’s argument is that it works against his man Mitt as well. [Read more...]

What America Needs Right Now

Today is Election Day in the land of the free and home of the brave.  Yesterday, you read my endorsement of Mitt Romney, but some of my friends told me that the post seemed out of place.  I figured it was just because Barack the Maleficent Magnificent has plenty of support in this corner of Al Gore’s Interwebs, but they made it clear that it was the tone and not the content.  Therefore, let me be the lone voice of reason funded by private equity earnings, not redistributed soshulist wages like the librul gents behind this blog.

As a moderate pro-choice pro-gay rights Jewish loyal Republican, I felt the need to come to my man Mitt’s defense.  Let me be clear – he’s not perfect.  He’s moved too far right for my liking, in deference to the all-too-powerful social conservatives in my party.  Like Michael Bloomberg, I would have been more excited about supporting Mitt Romney circa 2003 than Mitt Romney circa 2012, but nobody’s perfect.

As a kid, I was taught the expression “If your bubbe had baitzen, she’d be your zaidy” – for those who don’t speak Yiddush, this translates roughly into “If your grandmother had testicles, she’d be your grandfather.”  In short, don’t use the word “if,” because it means nothing.  This campaign has been riddled with “ifs” and these conditional statements don’t help the President at all.  If only President Obama hadn’t inherited such a large deficit?  If only the Republican Congress played ball?  If only the economy would grow faster?  If only, if only, if only… [Read more...]

The Morning Wood: Today Matters

And so. The end is here. And we must face the final curtain.

Today. The ads will end. And we can be assaulted instead with Christmas.

This season’s been long and distinguished. Distinguished like my Johnson.

And more, much more than this, I did it myyyyyyyyyyyyyy way.

I woke this morning a nervous wreck. Yeah, I’m ready, like you are, for the ads and the campaign to be over, but I’m nervous about the outcome. Sure, effeminate mathematics man-crush Nate Silver at FiveThirtyEight has the Kenyan Prime Minister Barack HUSSEIN Obama with a 92% chance of closing out this bitch tonight, but I’m still a wreck.

Thing is, there’s so much at stake here. So, so much. That I take heat from friends and family for my political views, my cursing on this very blog, is something I can handle. It’s something I expect.

But I do it in the service of a larger idea. [Read more...]

In Defense of Mitt Romney, or “The Breakup”

[Editor's Note: Like you, we were astonished to learn that there are real live Republicans out there who read this filthy blog. One of them was brave enough to weigh in and speak up for his man W. Mitt Romney. Be nice to him, you rabid libruls.]

Have you seen 2006’s “The Breakup?”  Yeah, me neither.  From what IMDB tells me, and certainly not because I’ve watched the movie personally, this tour-de-force demonstrates how terrible, awkward and troublesome a breakup is.  Vince Vaughn stars as, well, “Vince Vaughn as a Chicago tour-guide” and Jennifer Aniston is his patient, cultured art gallery curator.  As I was watching this movie I realized that this movie ultimately reflects the important choice this country faces on Tuesday.

Jennifer Aniston is America – well-intentioned, responsible, optimistic.  She falls in love with Vince Vaughn, our illustrious community-organizing, basketball-playing, enthusiastic leader, because he’s nothing like anyone she’d dated before.  (Based off the movie’s opening scene in Wrigley Field and 230 years of American presidents)  Aniston and Vaughn hit it off, so they make it official and move in together.  Here’s when the hilarity instability begins.
[Read more...]

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