The Morning Wood Is A Winner

Good morning and hello! Did you win the Powerballs last night? You did NOT win the Powerballs last night? Imagine my surprise at this surprising and shocking news! SURPRISEFASE.

Powerballs, in the words of Detective Bunk Moreland, is nothing but a tax on people who can’t do math and daydream too much. In short, he purchased three tickets.

Your intrepid correspondent, however, DID win. At life. And blogging. And your favorite dick joke/soshulist propaganda blogging site is always a winner. For you. For freedom. For links and liberty. [Read more...]

In Defense of Mitt Romney, or “The Breakup”

[Editor's Note: Like you, we were astonished to learn that there are real live Republicans out there who read this filthy blog. One of them was brave enough to weigh in and speak up for his man W. Mitt Romney. Be nice to him, you rabid libruls.]

Have you seen 2006’s “The Breakup?”  Yeah, me neither.  From what IMDB tells me, and certainly not because I’ve watched the movie personally, this tour-de-force demonstrates how terrible, awkward and troublesome a breakup is.  Vince Vaughn stars as, well, “Vince Vaughn as a Chicago tour-guide” and Jennifer Aniston is his patient, cultured art gallery curator.  As I was watching this movie I realized that this movie ultimately reflects the important choice this country faces on Tuesday.

Jennifer Aniston is America – well-intentioned, responsible, optimistic.  She falls in love with Vince Vaughn, our illustrious community-organizing, basketball-playing, enthusiastic leader, because he’s nothing like anyone she’d dated before.  (Based off the movie’s opening scene in Wrigley Field and 230 years of American presidents)  Aniston and Vaughn hit it off, so they make it official and move in together.  Here’s when the hilarity instability begins.
[Read more...]

DDP Staff Endorses Four More Years of Kenyan Anti-Colonialism

[UPDATE: Sorry for the technical glitch. The full post has been restored.]

Good morning, anchor babies.

In lieu of the Morning Wood, we asked our vaunted staff writers to weigh in on the presidential election. No equivocating, no waffling, no “on the other hand”. We asked them point blank: Who is your choice, and why?

We asked our intrepid staff this vital question on short notice, because we are disorganized and (more often than not) hung over. They delivered in a major way. Please find their inspired responses below.

[Editor's Note: Because this publication is Fair and Balanced™, we also reached out to our more thoughtful conservative friends for their final impressions on this Most Important Election Ever, Until The Next One and will post their responses throughout the morning.]
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The Morning Wood Is Dressing Like a Skank for Halloween

Lul.

Happy Halloween, you pagan revelers!

Before you go off trading sexual favors for Fun Size™ high fructose corn syrup treats please do bring yourself up to speed on the pressing questions of the day, like whether or not to wear underwear with your naughty librarian outfit. Oh and also current events.

Politicks!
As Magic Sam chronicled yester-day, Willard, Lord High Mittens de Romneyshire is having a rough go of it in Ohio, a state he needs to win to have a realistic shot at sending Bammers Hussein back to Kenya where he belongs. This morning, Politico weighs in on Romney and his ever-shrinking window of opportunity. FiveThirtyEight reports that while Hurricane Sandy is probably not going to swing any state towards a different presidential candidate, voter turnout in the northeastern blue states is likely to be impacted. This raises the not-insignificant probability that Barry O’Bummer could win the Electoral College and lose the national popular vote.  [Read more...]

The Morning Wood is a Dumb Jock

Um, yes actually.

OH HEY, it’s you again.

And it’s Monday.

Again.

Le sigh.

Let’s get this over with.

Politix!
Chill out, libtards. No matter what the national land-line polls might suggest, His Lord High Hair Gel Mitt Romney has a small and diminishing chance of Giving Crypto-racist Americans Their Country Back, because of swing state polling that remains doggedly in the favor of Bammerz Hussein, the Kenyan Usurper.  [Read more...]

And Then on Friday, The Morning Wood LOLed at Tim Tebow

Oh, praise be to Allah and his prophet Muhammad (Peace Be Upon Him) for it is Friday, our weekly day of coasting at work and getting schlitzed on moonshine. And not necessarily in that order.

The search term of the week is “Romney will abolish the Securities & Exchange Commission”. You heard it here first, folks.

To the links, you silly fucks! [Read more...]

Romney: “KILL ALL THE HUMANS”

20121021-211641.jpg(BOCA RATON, FL) – In just the most recent feat carried out by Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney’s new artificial brain, the former Massachusetts governor’s Skynet® neural processor decided to substantially upgrade its knowledge base on foreign policy prior to the third and final presidential debate, which will be held tonight at Lynn University and be focused on international relations.

“It’s well known that foreign policy is not exactly the Governor’s strong point”, said Herbert “Herp” Derpington IV, a professor of International Affairs at Georgetown University and the chairman of the Romney campaign’s foreign policy team.

“He basically agrees with the president on most substantive issues apart from some of the finer points regarding the Israeli question, and we all know what that’s really about. A man needs to know what side his bread is buttered on, and Governor Romney’s dairy cow is named Sheldon if you know what I mean. That last statement is off the record, by the way. What do you mean, ‘that’s not how journalism works’?? Oh God, Mitt’s gonna be so steamed at me.”

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Enter The Lovely Miss XXX

Hi guys & galz,

I’m XXX, a long time reader of this tacky sleaze but a first time contributor, so please be gentle!

You must have so many questions for me, like:

Are you nuts?
I wonder about that sometimes, like basically the entire ~4 months that the state legislature is in session.

Why are you associating with these characters?
Because I’ve seen people reading it and heard people talking about it. I hadn’t really thought of contributing, but I genuinely believe that some of their recent stuff would (with some editing, LOL) be worthy of some of the better comedy blogs/websites in Amerika.

[Editor's note: BLUSH... Ohstop... Tell us more.] [Read more...]

DDP EXCLUSIVE: Romney To Unveil Jobs Plan Before Second Debate

Anticipating a more lively performance from Barack Obama in the second presidential debate tonight at Hofstra University, Mitt Romney’s debate preparation team has been hard at work fortifying the Republican nominee against every conceivable contingency.

For example: to ensure that Governor Romney is as well educated as possible about economic matters, after the first presidential debate his economic advisors downloaded a version of the Federal Reserve’s Dynamic Stochastic General Equilibrium model to the GOP candidate’s new brain. The blood-cooled super-processor residing in the front of Romney’s cranium, which is capable of a remarkable 4.9 quadrillion floating point operations per second, is now able to run millions of simulations of the definitive model of the American and global macroeconomies and analyze the results in under a second. [Read more...]

Friday Fun With Search Terms – 5 October 2012

Happy Friday, lesser deciles of the forty-seven percent!

If you’re going to plagiarize your school essays, you would be well advised not to get your material from a boutique penis joke emporium like The Daily Dick Punch. That is surely the academic equivalent of the Darwin Awards, you guys. Your professors know how to use Google, and the written voice we employ on this site is unusual, to put it mildly. Our sentences will not mesh with yours, and whereas you might risk a slap on the wrist for being too loose with your paraphrasing of Encyclopaedia Britannica, you will surely be expelled for polluting the learning environment with this filthy web site. [Read more...]

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