Chicken Little and His Morning Wood

Woof.

So yesterday did not go as planned for the orange-clad warriors of the Rocky Mountains. While they didn’t get killed, they weren’t exactly “in it to win it” either, and for the second straight week they lost by six and watched their defense fritter away a shot at the ball with time running down.

Same as it ever was.

And as expected by Your Humble Correspondent, the nay-sayers came out in force immediately following the game, claiming (after three games, I shit you not) that the Peyton Manning signing was a failure and that it was a waste of time and money and — you guessed it — we set ourselves back 5 years (minimum) by shipping off Timothy Richard Tebow. All this despite Manning throwing for over 300 yards, two touchdowns, no interceptions, and having several passes dropped by his wideouts.

/kills self

There’s a lesson to be learned here. That lesson is that blind Tebow supporters should probably be euthanized for the good of humanity and for the long-term intelligence of the species. Not even close to kidding. We’ve been around and around with the morons masquerading as pseudo football intellectuals using things like team wins to extrapolate individual roles in said wins, and when it comes to logic, they simply don’t have access. I’m not sure if it’s the Florida water, the Jesus Juice, or the scruffy beard and monk haircut, but something has gone haywire in the Tebow zombie brain, and it’s killing the will to live of everyone who doesn’t think Tim is actually that good.

Thankfully, the Raiders come to town this week, and it would be hella nice to get healthy with a win, putting us at 2-2 heading into @New England and @San Diego. If we can beat the Raiders and Chargers — who look eminently beatable after yesterday’s poopfest in their house against Atlanta — the Denver Broncos will be 3-3 after the toughest stretch of their 2nd-toughest-in-the-league schedule.

And while the schedule doesn’t get particularly easy after the first six games, it does get easiER. And honestly, easiER is all we can ask for. [Read more...]

How Not to Pander to Rednecks, by Mittens Romney

Oh Happy Wednesday, sluts!

The Ongoing Embarrassment to America, a/k/a the 2012 Grand Old Party presidential nomination battle, became yet more interesting as the presumptive nominee Willard Mittens “Mitt” Romney failed once again to establish a commanding lead over candidates who would not have stood a chance in San Francisco hell of getting the nod had all of the strongest potential challengers not decided to sit this one out to avoid being absolutely crushed by the Kenyan Prime Minister B. HUSSEIN Obama and his Reserve Army of Unemployed Brown People.

The #Santorum always rises to the top, but only Allah and His Prophet know what’s on the bottom of the putrid, disease-infested cesspool otherwise known as the collective intelligence of the GOPee voters of Alabama and Mississippi, the two most conservative and (not coincidentally) impoverished states in the Union. 
[Read more...]

Previewing the Arizona and Michigan GOP Student Council Elections

The editors of this influential periodical treat the democratic process with all of the respect that it deserves. Which is to say, very little. Apparently the low-information voters of the Hate State (Arizona) and Michigan are headed to the polls to-day to choose the man who will bravely offer himself up as cannon fodder to the unstoppable force that is the Kenyan Prime Minister Barack Hussein Obama.

WHO YA GOT?

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Handicapping the 2012 Miss Teen Intellectually Handicapped Florida Talent Show

Happy Monday, you no-talent ass clowns. Tomorrow, the Republican Party’s long, slow death march makes a stop in Florida, a state where even the relatively intelligent voters can’t fill out a ballot properly.

WHO YA GOT?

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A Confidential Communication from Party Headquarters

MEMORANDUM

To: Agent Mittens; Agent Cracker
From: Agent Snowball (First Among Equals)
Regarding: The Inexorable Forward March of the Socialist International

COMINTERN HQ has watched with great interest as you have dispatched the early pretenders to the Republican nomination. As you know, it is of critical importance that the rabid base of the party be thoroughly crushed and dispirited, over and over again, until such time as they abandon their false idol worshiping and unite with the workers of the world to create a bright, red future for America.

According to the bourgeois gambling website Intrade, the chattering classes have assigned a 91.6% joint probability that one of you will win the nomination. This pleases the Central Committee to no end; however, we must not consider our struggle to be over yet. As long as Rick Santorum and Ron Paul are winning delegates we must continue to work with the dignity of New Soviet Men to provide false hope to the embittered underclass of this failed nation.

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Handicapping the 2012 South Carolina Sons of the Confederacy Grits-eating Contest

Down with the Eagle, and Up with the Cross!

Hooray hooray, for it is Fri-day, and tomorrow the enlightened voters of the least enthusiastic member of our United States get to weigh in on which man deserves to embarrass America’s allies and embolden her enemies.

WHO’S GONNA WIN? I don’t know or care, and neither should you! But we will still take the piss out of all of them, because we hate freedom.

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Shorting Mittens Romney

Mittens haz a sad :(

Mittens haz a sad.

A few weeks ago your correspondent was trolling around the terrific political betting website Intrade and noticed something that seemed odd.

First, some background. The game at Intrade is as follows: Bets are taken on discrete yes/no events such as “Will Newt Gingrich win the GOP Nomination for President in 2012?” or “Will a member of the European Currency Union formally announce a plan to leave the euro on or before December 31, 2012? Bets are multiples of $10 and are set by auction, just like the stock markets with bid/ask prices. If an event is trading at $0.25, bettors are assigning a 2.5% chance that something, say Herman Cain’s nomination, ha ha, will occur. Short selling is allowed, but leverage is not: all trades are settled by Intrade upon confirmation of an event (or non-event) and fully covered because bettors must front 100% of the cash needed to settle the worst possible outcome of any bet.

[Read more...]

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