What Does Four More Years™ Mean To YOU?

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As the editors of this award-winning* periodical partied the night away with upwardly mobile members of the Colorado Democratic-Farmer-Labour Party, we discussed how last night’s comprehensive victory was significant on so many levels apart simply from four more years of Kenyan Anti-colonial Soshulist Islamic Marxist Hitlerism in the White Haus:

  • The Tea Party has been exposed forever as the fraudulent fever dream of fanatics who belong nowhere near any kind of responsible office, and its continued existence guarantees electoral victory for Democrats;
  • The GOPee must come to terms with secular demographic trends and concede the fact that it can no longer be the party of old white southern men if it wants to remain a viable national movement;
  • When given (reasonably) well-crafted ballot initiatives, Americans on both coasts and the Rocky Mountain West spoke up in favor of civil liberty and against dogmatic puritanism. Over time, we may find that the decriminalization of marijuana in Washington and Colorado may even be more significant than a second term for W. Barry Bamz; and
  • The coalition for civil rights is rising again, with great effect. The people of the Great State of Maryland took a great progressive leap forward by becoming the first citizens to directly order their legislature to grant equality under the law to gay and lesbian couples and families. Martin O’Malley, the former mayor of Baltimore and present governor of Queen Mary’s Land, was a pivotal figure in convincing influential black church leaders to come correct on the most pressing civil rights issue of the day. A newly minted progressive powerhouse, his national ambitions have surely become even stronger.

To-morrow, we will publish the thoughts of our contributors as to what four more years of Hip-Hop Barbecues in the White Haus means to them.

You should contribute as well.

Yes, you. Briefly close your browser tabs to RedTube, YouPorn, and PornHub and send ~200 words and a pseudonym to publius1981@gmail.com, for freedom.

*not intended to be a factual statement

A Counterpoint to High-Minded Objections to Voting for Obama

Yesterday, I spent hours and hours trying to reconcile figures in a series of spreadsheets. It was every bit as fun as it sounds.

This is an annual exercise that wouldn’t happen in an organization with the right incentives towards investing in information technology or basically any other asset whose internal rate of return doesn’t exceed that of the political cycle. You’re welcome, taxpayers of Colorado!

Anyway, having finally figured out the culprit in a forensic accounting effort of the first order, I was mentally shattered and had no idea what to write about to entertain our loyal readers, WHOM ARE LEGION.*

*not intended to be a factual statement

Fortunately, Magic Sam had stumbled across an article in the Atlantic Monthly that was crying out for a response. Not a rebuttal necessarily, but a response.

A counterpoint, if you like. [Read more...]

On Freedom and the Loathsome 2012 Campaign

On Sunday night, I sat patiently and with an open mind, watching 60 Minutes as journalists at the newsmagazine program interviewed America’s two presidential frontrunners, former Taxachusetts governor W. Mittens “Mitt” Romney and acting president B. Hussein Obama.

Each candidate was asked to identify the “big idea” that he would pursue as president. Governor Romney reported that his big idea was “freedom,” to which I did in fact scream at the television set the following:

WHAT RIGHTS DO YOU LACK TODAY THAT YOU HAD IN 2008, PRIOR TO THE ELECTION OF BARRY HUSSEIN??

I wish the esteemed Scott Pelley at 60 Minutes would have offered the same counter, though I imagine he was on a previously established script that he had to follow to gain the participation of the two candidates. For the love of all things sacred, at what point did we resign ourselves as a nation to hear the most powerful men in the world speak to us only on preconditions established by their own camps? [Read more...]

GOP Advisors Drinking Whiskey with Pepto-Bismol Chaser at This Point

Want to run for president of these United States? Here’s an easy checklist to see if you’re capable of surviving the rigors of a political campaign:

1.) Can you shake thousands of strangers’ warm, clammy hands without instantly splashing your palm with liberal amounts of Purell in full view of everybody?

2.) Can you stop at dozens of crappy diners, chug down gallons of coffee chemically indistinguishable from motor oil, follow that up with hundreds of plates of “regional specialties” that you realize too late are deep-fried possum, and then head off to a donor’s fundraiser, where over $10,000 plates of rubbery chicken you’ll try to convince a bunch of wannabe Jay Goulds that you’ll do everything in your power to keep the rabble from burning down their fabulous mansions? Can you do all of the above without retching from food poisoning and/or self-loathing?

3.) Are you capable of telling a national television audience one thing, only to completely reverse your public opinion a few days later, and not break down behind closed doors over how your soul has withered to a cold, dry husk?

4.) Can you avoid calling half the American population a bunch of moochers? [Read more...]

Morning Wood: Rhode Island is a Myth, like Canada and Jesus

The Bunk’s summer cottage in New Port, Rhode Island

By the time you read this, your faithful correspondent will be en route to the scenic Rhode Island and Providence Plantations, a small patch of land approximately one third the size of Weld County, Colorado, but with two United States Senators, ahahaha suckas!

Did You Know?™: Rhode Island was founded by the English theologian Roger Williams in the Year of Our Tebow 1636 as a safe haven from the tyrannical Pilgrims of the Massachusetts Bay Colony. Contrary to modern folk history, the Pilgrims were a sort of Al Qaeda with buckled shoes and silly hats and were expelled from England for being an enormous pain in everyone’s ass. If only someone with magickal powers (Barack Obama?) could fly back in time to warn the Wampanoag of the Pilgrims’ treachery, the world would be a better place today. Sort of like Terminator 2: Judgment Day, except this time Skynet succeeds in killing John Connor.

In my absence, the reins of this journalistic enterprise will be in the safe hands of Magic Sam until Monday. In the meantime, I will be too busy gorging myself on Dunkin Donuts, Coffee Milk, Del’s Lemonade, and Italian-American women of questionable legal ages to contribute to your enlightenment in the methods of Marxist dick jokery.

Peace out and enjoy some links, you indentured servants of crass commercialism.
[Read more...]

The Austerity Backlash Begins

Good Morning, frienemies of the State!

The editorial board of this award-winning* academic journal* take very seriously indeed our solemn responsibility to educate the unwashed masses or, at a minimum, that subset of the unwashed masses with an internet connection and reading comprehension at or above the eighth grade level. This is because we at The Daily Dickpunch are convinced by logic and biology (it’s Science!™) that The Children are our future, bred selectively for intelligence, good looks, and good health to minimize their costs on the National Health System, for freedom.

THASS EUGENICIST!

And since the future yet-to-be-aborted Amerikans will inherit a nation with many challenges, it is important that their parents, i.e. you after you accidentally slip one past the goalie, are as edjamacated as possible about how the world works. Because in The Future you will be able to just drop some knowledge (or some ignorance) on your kids through osmosis. Again with the science! you guys, on a Monday morning no less. [Read more...]

Debugging Treasury Propaganda, Part One of Thirteen

Ahoy-hoy!

Your correspondent is the first to admit that it can be challenging to develop and publish avant-garde mockery four or five times per week depending on the federal holiday schedule, powder days, and the itinerant laziness and disorganization of the crack journalistic and editorial staff of this thoroughly overrated e-rag.

Magic Sam and I have been going through myriad life changes in the last several weeks (mainly adult-onset puberty).

[Editor's note: The Cardigans covering Black Sabbath?? You're welcome.]

Like many other entrepreneurial ventures, pimpin’ ain’t easy and neither is racking your brain for original bloggy content on a schedule that doesn’t necessarily suit your drug induced hazes civilian life. It was therefore a welcome development when the lovely [name withheld] from [redacted] unwittingly inaugurated the Daily Dickpunch mailbag (known henceforth as The Dickbag) with the following:

“The U.S. Treasury’s ‘Economy in Charts‘: good, bad, or bunk… discuss”

FINE I WILL, gosh.

[Read more...]

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