The Morning Wood: Second Amendment Remedies, UPDATED

It is Monday, 6 August of Her Majesty’s 2012, and this is what America looks like. Sharron Angle’s wet dream about 2nd Amendment Remedies is coming true, but instead of armed insurrection against the tyrannical government The People are taking down perceived enemies of the state, like Muslims Sikhs.

In case anyone was counting, seventeen (17) days elapsed between the Aurora theater massacre and the most recent act of domestic terrorism, a shooting at a Sikh temple outside Milwaukee, Wisconsin yesterday morning that left seven people dead including the gunman, a 40-year old white male who carried out the attack with a 9mm semiautomatic pistol.

Sikhism is a 500-year old monotheism that originated in the Indian state of Punjab. Often mistaken for Muslims because of their head-dresses and south Asian descent, members of the American Sikh community are no strangers to violence and intimidation. Yesterday’s mayhem marks at least the seventh act of violence against Sikhs since the attacks of September 11, 2001.

According to NBC, the shooter had “no obvious connection to domestic terror or white supremacist groups and apparently was not on any list of suspected terrorists.” However, the Daily Beast is reporting that the shooter was ex-military, sported 9/11 commemorative tattoos, and “likely held similar views” to domestic white terrorist groups. UPDATE: Suspected shooter Wade Michael Page, a native of Colorado, was a frustrated neo-Nazi and made shitty hardcore white supremacist music.

Whether it’s from wildfires or gunfire, Congress fiddles while America burns. Seventeen days is now the over/under for the next mass shooting in ‘Merica. Place your bets with publius1981 at gmail dot com.

On to the links. [Read more...]

Is Phelps Now The Greatest American Olympian?


The last two days of Michael Phelps’ competitive swim career are upon us, as the swimming program of the 30th Summer Olympiad concludes Saturday.  Phelps will retire from the international stage as the greatest swimmer in the history of the world.  In the midst of Phelps’s highly successful farewell tour, a reasonable and fair national debate over the greatest Olympians in history has developed.

With all due respect to the enormous accomplishments of Jesse Owens in the 1936 Berlin Games and Al Oerter’s four-peat in the Olympic discus, the metric for Olympic greatness should be based upon:

1)      Competitive greatness

2)      Diversity of accomplishments

3)      Dominance of the athlete’s sport

By this method, the debate for greatest American Olympian boils down to two candidates:  track star Carl Lewis and Michael Phelps. [Read more...]

Morning Wood: Uncomfortable Questions

Throwing invisible money into the air, then wavin’ round cause he just ain’t care.

We’ve discussed multi-billionaire (and likely sex weirdo) Sheldon Adelson before in this here digest of dick jokes and tomfoolery, and we’ve even openly questioned just why folks thought the rich could possibly be spending all that political money to benefit those of us who are not multi-billionaires. These are questions that need to be asked, and since they won’t be asked by the Librul Media Machine, that responsibility falls to us. Again.

You’re welcome, America.

But now, the candidate who has been bought and paid for by Mr. Adelson — a Mexican Space Lizard from the planet Kolob named W. Mittens Romney — is displaying the signs that his foreign policy apparently now consists of pissing off our allies (his visit to London last week was well-chronicled by The Bunk) and engaging in saber-rattling with our possible future oil industry enemies. It’s like an episode of the new Dallas come to life. SPOILER: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is John Ross, and Ali Khamenei is JR Ewing’s eyebrows.

The only thing worse than what he said in London is what he said in Jerusalem. Seriously, I say this to The Bunk every single day, but HOW IN THE FUCK CAN ANYONE ACTUALLY JUSTIFY VOTING FOR THIS ASSHOLE? HOW??? Christ on a cracker, it just doesn’t make any goddamn sense.

I realize that his path to election looks weak and fraught with danger. I realize that he’s got very little chance of getting elected running on the famous, “well I’m not the black guy, is why” campaign promise. But I’m still absolutely terrified of this man.

Although, it should be noted, that once elected he would probably go back on every promise he made during the campaign. Thass jus’ how he roll, yo. Mittens ain’t care.

To the Linkmobile! [Read more...]

Welcome to The Morning Wood


The Morning Wood is a new feature here on the Daily Dickpunch designed to give you a whole new look at the world, with links to help you break out of your sad, pathetic cubicle-centered life and enter into adult discussions with other humanoids in a workplace environment.

“But wait, you lazy dick,” you’ll say. “Isn’t this just ‘The Cockpunch’ with a different, better and funnier name? Why didn’t you guys come up with this name before?” Well, first of all, yes it’s just the Cockpunch with a different and funnier name. It’s exactly the same. We didn’t come up with it before likely because we’re lazy, and sometimes we don’t think of the most adolescent thing until well after the fact. So let’s just leave it alone, eh?

On to the links: [Read more...]

The Cockpunch: College Football Playoffs, Bitches! Edition

I… forgot what we were talking about.

If you’re any sort of fan of this here Newsmagazine, you know of the editorial staff’s desire for a true playoff in college football. I am particularly in favor of such a move, and I’ve written about it HERE.

Well good news, people: College football playoffs are coming, finally. And they’ve allegedly found a way to keep the crappy bowl games that we’re all so excited to watch. That’s right: The NobodyGivesAFlyingFuck.com Bowl — played on a Tuesday morning at 6 Eastern in whatever is left of the Astrodome — isn’t going away. Rejoice.

This plan is not without its issues; when it begins (and it may begin this fall! EXCELSIOR!!!) it will only let four teams into the playoff, so the complaint is already being lodged by the left wing librul sports media conspiracy that those of us who complained about the BCS will still be complaining, only now we’ll be whining about the one or two “deserving” teams who are left out in the cold. It’s a fair assessment; I always believed that there should be six conference champs and two wild card teams, and four teams doesn’t exactly make me get a raging Tebowner.

But it is better. It is improvement. Progress. Will it ever progress past four teams? Not sure. I hope it does. But if four teams in a playoff is what we get, that gives us three games of awesome major college football playoffs and teams settling it on the field, hopefully avoiding a shitshow like last year’s National Championship Game. And hey look! Every game still matters!

On to the links. [Read more...]

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