The Morning Wood: Leftovers

Ha, ha, Thanksgiving just happened so you totally have leftovers in your fridge, you DICK! A variation of that is how nearly every blog post and article is going to start for you this morning; ready yourself.

Actually, there was much that happened this weekend we were all so thankful for the things we had and then threatened to stab people in line at K-Mart because they had something we didn’t, or got into fights over plastic crap, or got arrested. Special times, my dear Bros. America wins again. [Read more...]

The Morning Wood Has The Munchies

Happy Monday, you maleficent mooching mediocrities! Here’s everything you need to know:

Broncoz!
Yesterday was a good day for the home-town heroes a/k/a the Denver Broncos FC, as they obliterated Philip Rivers and the hated San Diego Chargers 30-23 at scenic Sports Authority Field® at Mile High. Peyton Manning, who will likely be the first fetus voted into the NFL Hall of Fame, was 25-42 for 250 yards, three touchdowns and one unfortunate deflected interception that put the Whale’s Vagina up early in the first quarter.

Young Von Miller continues to be a menace to opposing quarterbacks, registering his league-leading eleventh, twelfth, and thirteenth sacks of the season yesterday, causing two fumbles. If the Broncos can add to the depth chart at middle linebacker through the draft or free agency they will have assembled perhaps the stingiest defense in the league, which when coupled with the attacking stylings of P. Manning portends domination in 2013 and beyond. 
[Read more...]

Apologize to Mr. Manning

You there.

Yes, you. The one who doubted if Peyton Manning could come back and play at a high level after a year off, four neck surgeries, and being marginalized by seemingly every single columnist on the planet.

You, the one who said he was “one hit away” from the end of his career — you know, like everyone else who plays professional football — and “couldn’t throw to his right” (easily one of the dumbest arguments ever heard by anyone, ever)…

You, the rival fan. You, the columnist. You, the blogger.

You, the doubter.

Apologize to Mr. Manning. Do it now, before he decides to take over the entire planet with his still-live arm and his still-best-in-the-business brain.

If you do not, he will reduce you to rubble. He will destroy your cities with a laser, rocket arm, then drive his Buick home to his palatial estate in the Denver suburbs to dive like Scrooge McDuck into a room that is filled with nothing but gold coins.

Consider: In the month of October, sullied by the entire fucking league wearing ridiculous pink-covered NFL merch — I get wanting to be aware of breast cancer; can we be more subtle? We’re like two years away from having alternate jerseys and helmets that are pink for the occasion, and that aggression will not stand, man — Mr. Manning of The Bionic Neck went 2-1, and a 126.7 passer rating over the three games. He’s also over 2000 yards for the season, has thrown for four straight 300 yard/3 touchdown days, and was named AFC Offensive Player of the Month.

Because he’s a pimp, you see.

Apologize. Before it’s too late.

Editor’s note: HERE are your NFL picks. Let’s go make some money.

The Morning Wood is a Dumb Jock

Um, yes actually.

OH HEY, it’s you again.

And it’s Monday.

Again.

Le sigh.

Let’s get this over with.

Politix!
Chill out, libtards. No matter what the national land-line polls might suggest, His Lord High Hair Gel Mitt Romney has a small and diminishing chance of Giving Crypto-racist Americans Their Country Back, because of swing state polling that remains doggedly in the favor of Bammerz Hussein, the Kenyan Usurper.  [Read more...]

The Morning Wood and The Simple Joy of Quiet Bye Weeks

I can’t stand the bye week idea in the NFL for a lot of reasons. The idea of bye weeks is to let teams have a weekend off during the season to recover some injured players, get a struggling team back on track, maybe fire a defensive coordinator when the real problem is your offense turning the ball over every week and your quarterback’s steadfast refusal to slide and save his smaller frame from injury.

So yes, Virginia, I get the point, but suffering through a weekend in which I know my team simply will not play is brutal, combined with the bye attrition that comes with my fantasy team (I’m going to lose by a thousand points this weekend, you guys, and it has everything to do with having 7 guys on a bye. That’s half my fucking team), and I’m not a happy boy for much of the weekend. I’d rather the league give two bye weeks — one for each half of the league — in the middle of the season. You’d avoid the random “team with a week 3 bye,” which is fucking stupid, and “team coming off the bye absolutely destroying a non-bye-having team because they had two weeks to prepare and are far fresher at key positions” issues.

Mostly, I’m just whining. About my fantasy team. Sorry about that.

Anyway, with the utter destruction in San Diego that the Broncos handed out to the Chargers on Monday night, creating more questions for a team already rife with them, this bye week is a lot sweeter than most have been. Oakland is in free-fall; they’re a bad team with a rookie head coach, low talent, and an insane fanbase. Kansas City has maybe the worst quarterback controversy in the history of ever, with Brady Quinn (ugh) and Matt Cassel (UGHHHHHHHH) battling it out for the top spot on another bad team where the fans are threatening an Arab Spring-type revolt. Yowza. [Read more...]

The Morning Wood Is A Shell of Its Former Self

What can you say about the Chargers in the second half that hasn’t already been said about Afghanistan? Those motherfuckers were bombed-out and depleted, thinking they’d already won a game that was only half over.

And now, the silliness begins.

Can you beLIEVE there are still those holding on to the notion that Denver should not have signed Peyton fucking Manning? Can you beLIEVE that there are folks out there who think the only quarterback capable of a comeback lives in New Jersey and wears number 15?

I want you to think about the idea of Tim Tebow still being this team’s starter, and whether Denver would have won that game last night. And if you think there’s any chance — any at all, even with Tebow’s god-given comebacks — I want you to punch yourself in the face, dunk your head in water, punch yourself again, and rejoin all of us in reality.

The answer is no. No way. No chance. Tim Tebow’s record against good teams (as the Chargers most certainly are, though they obviously don’t know how to salt away a game after giving up a 10 point lead last week and a 24 point lead last night) is abysmal. YES, “he beat” the Steelers in the playoffs, a team that was injured and old and not all that good, and gave us a wonderful memory. I know. The idea of him leading a comeback of 24 points while throwing the football is laughable, and the truth is he likely would have derped around until the fourth quarter, finally getting two touchdowns in garbage time near the end.

Not good enough.

Know who is good enough? Denver’s new quarterback. And I submit that it’s games like last night which make you go out and pay nearly $100 million for Peyton Manning.

As for me, I’m a wreck. After a game in which I’d nearly written off my team for the remainder of the season based on one half of absolutely pathetic football, turned my attitude (and it can be argued, the team) around by switching up my beer drinking strategy (from Coors Banquet to weightier craft offerings, and drinking much, much more). Obviously, I was the difference. Then I hit The Spot for a few shots and celebratory fistpumps. And I woke up still #drunj.

Obviously, I won too. [Read more...]

The Morning Wood: Not Waving the White Flag

Big weekend for sports, you guys. Lots going on and I had a great time, first watching my Grizzlies demolish the Golden Pandas of Northern Colorado on Saturday and then watching the first half of Broncos/Patriots before I had to go to a wedding. It was a special day.

But somehow, some way, after a game in which Peyton Manning threw for 350 yards, three touchdowns and no interceptions on more than 40 attempts, there are those who would call for the dreaded Tim Tebow. Proving once and for all that the internet is for nothing but fanbois and bedwetters, the threads sprung up almost immediately after Denver went to 2-3 on the season (playing maybe the toughest early-season schedule in the league), threads with names like “But… I thought Tebow was the problem” and “Sure glad we spent $98 million and got rid of that loser Tebow” and “I’m desperate for attention and John Elway is Dumb; the Tim Tebow is a martyr story.”

Far be it from me to make fun of the bedwetters, crying in their non-alcoholic beer and begging for a return to the three-and-out offense that was so effective that was mildly effective that helped us back into the playoffs going 0-3 in the last three games including a 7-3 loss AT HOME to the fucking Chiefs, but let’s get something clear right now.

If Tim Tebow was still the starter in Denver (and no, I can’t believe I’m having to write about this either), we wouldn’t be 2-3. We wouldn’t be 5-0, and would likely be closer to 1-4. With Tebow, we would have beaten the Raiders. Not in the fashion we did, where we repeatedly gave them swirlies in a dirty toilet and took their lunch money for four quarters, but probably in a mistake-addled three quarters followed by a fourth quarter where Tim plays TebowBall and suddenly pulls a touchdown out of his ass. Yee-fucking-haw.

To intone that we’re not better off with a better quarterback under center is just retarded.

Tebow fanbois, stop being retarded. That’s an order. [Read more...]

Friday Fun With Search Terms – 5 October 2012

Happy Friday, lesser deciles of the forty-seven percent!

If you’re going to plagiarize your school essays, you would be well advised not to get your material from a boutique penis joke emporium like The Daily Dick Punch. That is surely the academic equivalent of the Darwin Awards, you guys. Your professors know how to use Google, and the written voice we employ on this site is unusual, to put it mildly. Our sentences will not mesh with yours, and whereas you might risk a slap on the wrist for being too loose with your paraphrasing of Encyclopaedia Britannica, you will surely be expelled for polluting the learning environment with this filthy web site. [Read more...]

Chicken Little and His Morning Wood

Woof.

So yesterday did not go as planned for the orange-clad warriors of the Rocky Mountains. While they didn’t get killed, they weren’t exactly “in it to win it” either, and for the second straight week they lost by six and watched their defense fritter away a shot at the ball with time running down.

Same as it ever was.

And as expected by Your Humble Correspondent, the nay-sayers came out in force immediately following the game, claiming (after three games, I shit you not) that the Peyton Manning signing was a failure and that it was a waste of time and money and — you guessed it — we set ourselves back 5 years (minimum) by shipping off Timothy Richard Tebow. All this despite Manning throwing for over 300 yards, two touchdowns, no interceptions, and having several passes dropped by his wideouts.

/kills self

There’s a lesson to be learned here. That lesson is that blind Tebow supporters should probably be euthanized for the good of humanity and for the long-term intelligence of the species. Not even close to kidding. We’ve been around and around with the morons masquerading as pseudo football intellectuals using things like team wins to extrapolate individual roles in said wins, and when it comes to logic, they simply don’t have access. I’m not sure if it’s the Florida water, the Jesus Juice, or the scruffy beard and monk haircut, but something has gone haywire in the Tebow zombie brain, and it’s killing the will to live of everyone who doesn’t think Tim is actually that good.

Thankfully, the Raiders come to town this week, and it would be hella nice to get healthy with a win, putting us at 2-2 heading into @New England and @San Diego. If we can beat the Raiders and Chargers — who look eminently beatable after yesterday’s poopfest in their house against Atlanta — the Denver Broncos will be 3-3 after the toughest stretch of their 2nd-toughest-in-the-league schedule.

And while the schedule doesn’t get particularly easy after the first six games, it does get easiER. And honestly, easiER is all we can ask for. [Read more...]

Morning Wood: NFL Opening Weekend

Well, friends, football is back. Some of us (me) were absolute gluttons for it yesterday on the couch, drinking up each game as if we were thirsty and wandering through the desert, and football was our water. Or something like that.

If I may torture the metaphor further, baseball season has been like the sun, beating down on us mercilessly, as we traversed our sandy soon-to-be graves in search of the shade of preseason football.

So, to wrap up a metaphor that I sincerely regret using in the first place, baseball is the awful sun, preseason football is like shade to a thirsty man, and then regular season football — featuring the debut of one Peyton Manning in Denver — is like water. Get it? Let’s just move on.

Peyton looked great. Missed on seven passes all night, threw for two touchdowns, was hit a few times and popped right back up, and in the end had a defense that won it for him when cornerback Tracy Porter picked off a Ben Roethlisberger pass and took it to the house to effectively end the game. OH, and then Von Miller grabbed two sacks and the D grabbed a third to finish off the Steelers in Denver.

Here are some thoughts: [Read more...]

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