Santorum Post-mortem: In Pace Requiescat

Don't zoom in.

Dear Rick,

On behalf of comic writers everywhere, thanks for running such a stellar campaign. I have some constructive feedback for you! Your speech in quotes.

Yours in Christ™,

The Bunk xoxo
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How Not to Pander to Rednecks, by Mittens Romney

Oh Happy Wednesday, sluts!

The Ongoing Embarrassment to America, a/k/a the 2012 Grand Old Party presidential nomination battle, became yet more interesting as the presumptive nominee Willard Mittens “Mitt” Romney failed once again to establish a commanding lead over candidates who would not have stood a chance in San Francisco hell of getting the nod had all of the strongest potential challengers not decided to sit this one out to avoid being absolutely crushed by the Kenyan Prime Minister B. HUSSEIN Obama and his Reserve Army of Unemployed Brown People.

The #Santorum always rises to the top, but only Allah and His Prophet know what’s on the bottom of the putrid, disease-infested cesspool otherwise known as the collective intelligence of the GOPee voters of Alabama and Mississippi, the two most conservative and (not coincidentally) impoverished states in the Union. 
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Previewing the Arizona and Michigan GOP Student Council Elections

The editors of this influential periodical treat the democratic process with all of the respect that it deserves. Which is to say, very little. Apparently the low-information voters of the Hate State (Arizona) and Michigan are headed to the polls to-day to choose the man who will bravely offer himself up as cannon fodder to the unstoppable force that is the Kenyan Prime Minister Barack Hussein Obama.

WHO YA GOT?

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COCKPUNCH EXCLUSIVE: Satan Responds to Rick Santorum

[Note: The editors of this venerated journalistic enterprise are excited to present to you this exclusive editorial from The Man Himself, the prince of darkness.]

Fellow Americans, good morning. Satan here.

Listen, we all know that accuracy, rationality, and ethics fly out the window during campaign season and it’s tough not to get caught up in it, especially if you are passionate about doing what’s right for America, as I am.

Like you, I am saddened by the tone of the 2012 GOP primary and how the level of the intellectual discourse leaves so much to be desired.

Like you, I yearn for the good old days when you could have a spirited debate with your neighbor about what was right for America without losing sight of your shared values and traditions, like lynching minorities. 
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Something, Something, SANTORUM

OH HOLY frothy mixture of CRAP, blood, lube, and man-paste you guys!

Just when everyone (including your faithful correspondent) thought that the Mexican Space Lizard W. Mittens Romney had the GOP nomination all but wrapped up, the Senator for the National Man-Boy Love Association Vatican, Rick #Santorum, just had to go and make things interesting again. UGH, THE NERVE OF SOME PEOPLE!

Rick Santorum is not an intelligent man but he is cunning, and that may be just what Amerika needs after four years of ivory ebony tower academic intellectual elite godless secular rationality occupying Das Whitehaus. Short on cash and librul media attention, Mr. Santorum’s campaign de-emphasized Florida and jumped ahead to Minnesota, Missour-ah, and Colorado to organize the drooling automatons of the “values” community into lean, mean, caucusing machines. It was a brilliant strategy to grab the spotlight and, if Mr. Santorum prays even longer and harder than he does to be cured of TEH GAY, could even procure some sorely needed fundraising dollars.

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Handicapping the 2012 Miss Teen Intellectually Handicapped Florida Talent Show

Happy Monday, you no-talent ass clowns. Tomorrow, the Republican Party’s long, slow death march makes a stop in Florida, a state where even the relatively intelligent voters can’t fill out a ballot properly.

WHO YA GOT?

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Handicapping the 2012 South Carolina Sons of the Confederacy Grits-eating Contest

Down with the Eagle, and Up with the Cross!

Hooray hooray, for it is Fri-day, and tomorrow the enlightened voters of the least enthusiastic member of our United States get to weigh in on which man deserves to embarrass America’s allies and embolden her enemies.

WHO’S GONNA WIN? I don’t know or care, and neither should you! But we will still take the piss out of all of them, because we hate freedom.

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New Hampshire is a White Myth, Like Larry Bird and Colorado

Best photo of all time. OF ALL TIME!!

Due to the fact that ‘Merica’s lamestream media is lobotomized and owned by the same corporate welfare queens that benefit from the current political payola racket, the probability of  them disseminating any information about the GOP primary in its proper context is only infinitesimally higher than the square root of fuckall.

Thankfully your correspondent is here and will remain faithfully yours, live-blogging the death of the American Dream©. I will spare you the hour of your life you’d never get back watching teevee and will summarize the morning headlines for you, in only 602 words, and tell it like it actually is.

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Five Things We Learned from the Iowa Caucuses

This fills me with a nameless dread.

Greetings Libtards and Wingnutz,

Are you totally fucking stoked for the 2012 election cycle??

Your correspondent can’t wait to find out which morally defective Real ‘Merican wins the privilege of having his (or her? ha ha ha) ass kicked by the Kenyan Prime Minister Barack Hussein Obama and his billion dollar zulu war chest in the general election.

Here are five things you degenerate political junkies can take away from last night’s festivities (in no particular order):

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