The Morning Wood Is So High on Tryptophan Right Now

Happy Gluttony Day, sinners!

Before You People gather to give thanks to Jebus for fried avian carcasses and deep discounts on crap you don’t need, check out these links for truth, justice, and the American Way™, Amen.

Elections!
Were you under the impression that Kenyan Prime Minster B. Hussein NOBAMA won reëlection comfortably earlier this month, just as Intrade and the number-crunching geniuses Nate Silver and Sam Wang suggested he would?

Hahaha, you pitiful sheep.  [Read more...]

The Morning Wood Has The Munchies

Happy Monday, you maleficent mooching mediocrities! Here’s everything you need to know:

Broncoz!
Yesterday was a good day for the home-town heroes a/k/a the Denver Broncos FC, as they obliterated Philip Rivers and the hated San Diego Chargers 30-23 at scenic Sports Authority Field® at Mile High. Peyton Manning, who will likely be the first fetus voted into the NFL Hall of Fame, was 25-42 for 250 yards, three touchdowns and one unfortunate deflected interception that put the Whale’s Vagina up early in the first quarter.

Young Von Miller continues to be a menace to opposing quarterbacks, registering his league-leading eleventh, twelfth, and thirteenth sacks of the season yesterday, causing two fumbles. If the Broncos can add to the depth chart at middle linebacker through the draft or free agency they will have assembled perhaps the stingiest defense in the league, which when coupled with the attacking stylings of P. Manning portends domination in 2013 and beyond. 
[Read more...]

Redskins Rewind: Week Seven

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RGThreesus

Good afternoon, semi-literate peasants, and welcome to another episode of Redskins Rewind, where your correspondent delivers a post-mortem of the Sons of Washington’s most recent match.

Later in the week, this vaunted sports periodical will host a discussion of whatever Skins-related topic has been trending in the god damn librul media, and I’ll preemptively eulogize the Pittsburgh Steelers, who will surely be vanquished on Sunday by the holy hands of RGThreesus.

You may ask yourself: “Do I recall seeing a ‘Redskins Rewind’ for weeks one through six of smash mouth footbaw?”

You do not, and this time it’s not because of your early-onset Alzheimer’s Disease. Rather, it is because your dutiful correspondent had dutifully neglected to write anything about them Skeinz. But those days are OVER, you guys.

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The Morning Wood: When Mitt Romney Is President, Every Day Will Be Monday

BLERG.

On the eve of the second of three presidential debates, the incumbent Kenyan Prime Minister Bammerz HUSSEIN appears to have stopped the bleeding in the polls, but the damage from his profoundly “meh” performance in the first debate at the University of Denver has been done.

Barry Bamz is still a roughly 2-1 odds-on favorite to be reelected, which in an economy like this one says everything you need to know about the caliber of his opponent: Willard Mittens de Romneigh, the third Earl of Mormony.

To the links, you moochers!

[Read more...]

The Second Coming of Black Jesus?

There are some things about Our Nation’s Kapital (War-shington, DeeCee) that will never change:

  • Muggy nights in September, hanging out on the back porch whilst listening to the loosely harmonized symphony of crickets and locusts announce the end of a summer spent on an overbuilt swamp, followed by the perennial and deafening subtropical thunderstorm that slays the vernal and heralds the arrival of autumn (by some distance the most pleasant of the seasons);
  • The ongoing embarrassment to America, Congress, which simultaneously marshals an ever-growing share of the nation’s resources as inefficiently as possible and fails to push back against the accelerated post-Nixonian tendency of the executive branch towards opacity and the police state;
  • Epic levels of collar-popping douche nozzles practicing their love of date rape just north of the intersection of Wisconsin Avenue and M Street, NW; and
  • Marion Barry, Jr., still tempting Congress to revoke the City’s meager home rule powers after all these years.

Maybe your correspondent should be less cavalier in this assessment, for there are also many things he thought would never change and have in the thirteen years since he left:
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Race Week Continues: The Generational Quarterback?

Via National Football Authority
Imagine that you are the general manager of the Indianapolis Colts. Do not close your eyes, but take a moment to truly imagine this circumstance. It is April 26, 2012, and you are one year removed from one of the greatest 13-year runs in NFL history. In those thirteen years, with Peyton Manning under center, your team won 147 out of 208 games, eight division titles, two AFC titles and one Super Bowl. Your fans watched arguably the game’s greatest quarterback play every game in that span. Since Manning’s second season, your team had been a legitimate Super Bowl contender every year.

Then, armed with the first pick in the 2012 NFL Draft, you released Peyton Manning on March 7th. Manning wound up in Denver after a whirlwind tour while your Colts organization had to decide on the franchise quarterback that you would draft with the 1st overall pick in April. Fortunately for you, one of the best quarterback prospects in the history of the NFL was on the board. You had total control of this year’s draft, sitting in the enviable position of being able to draft a sure-fire franchise quarterback.

This prospect’s physical tools include exceptional accuracy, great arm strength, and extraordinary athleticism. As a three-year collegiate starter, he threw for 10,366 yards, 78 touchdowns, and only 17 interceptions. His completion percentage was 67.1%. Last season alone, he threw for 4,293 yards, 37 touchdowns and only 6 interceptions. In three years, he prospect led his program from the depths of college football irrelevance to double-digit win seasons and bowl victories. This guy is a can’t miss prospect, a once-in-a-generation talent, and you are sitting on the number one pick in the draft.

And then, you drafted Andrew Luck. [Read more...]

Just Livin’ the Dream, Bro

OH HEY, happy Monday you no-talent ass clowns!

Do you remember your dreams? Your correspondent rarely does unless they are especially annoying or terrifying, like being sentenced to hard labor on Newt Gingrich’s moon colony, mining precious stones to make trinkets for his Aryan wife of the week. I’m sure I deserve it for something I’ve done in life.

The dreams I tend to remember are in a class I call “frustrated athlete” dreams. At the beginning of ski season I find myself driving up to the base of the mountain, looking forward to a great day ripping through the trees with my harem of ski bunnies. This should be outlandish enough to wake me immediately, but the iron laws of logic, probability, and physics become mere suggestions in the dream state. Case in point: I keep pinching myself / stabbing myself in the face with a red-hot retractable pencil, and after three years America still has a black president. THAT DON’T MAKE NO DAMN SENSE! [Read more...]

Fail To the Redskins, Episode Eleventy Billion

Everyone’s favorite National Felon League laughingstock, the Warshington Redskeeins, soared to new heights of craptitude this weekend by taking out three first mortgages and a second mortgage to play a $50 million game of roulette, betting the house on black (THASS RAYCESS!) quarterback Robert Griffin, a gifted athlete, noted gentleman, and the greatest scholar in the history of Baylor University, situated in scenic Waco, Texas.

It’s an extraordinarily risky maneuver, even for an organization known for splashing the cash. Whereas they once pissed away their salary cap space on failtards like Deion Sanders, Adam Archuleta, Brandon Lloyd, and Fat Albert Haynesworth, the Skeeeeeins will now pray to Sweet Baby Jesus that Young Master Griffin can lead them to the promised land, i.e. out of the cellar.
[Read more...]

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