Santorum Post-mortem: In Pace Requiescat

Don't zoom in.

Dear Rick,

On behalf of comic writers everywhere, thanks for running such a stellar campaign. I have some constructive feedback for you! Your speech in quotes.

Yours in Christ™,

The Bunk xoxo
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How Not to Pander to Rednecks, by Mittens Romney

Oh Happy Wednesday, sluts!

The Ongoing Embarrassment to America, a/k/a the 2012 Grand Old Party presidential nomination battle, became yet more interesting as the presumptive nominee Willard Mittens “Mitt” Romney failed once again to establish a commanding lead over candidates who would not have stood a chance in San Francisco hell of getting the nod had all of the strongest potential challengers not decided to sit this one out to avoid being absolutely crushed by the Kenyan Prime Minister B. HUSSEIN Obama and his Reserve Army of Unemployed Brown People.

The #Santorum always rises to the top, but only Allah and His Prophet know what’s on the bottom of the putrid, disease-infested cesspool otherwise known as the collective intelligence of the GOPee voters of Alabama and Mississippi, the two most conservative and (not coincidentally) impoverished states in the Union. 
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The Misadventures of a College Snob


Gosh, and here I thought going to college was a good thing.

You may have heard that Rick Santorum — a college graduate himself, as seen above — recently said that the President’s plan to make higher education accessible to young people across the country made him a “snob.” Colleges are indoctrination centers for the evil left wing conspiracy, he said, and his supporters went ape shit with applause. Because education is now a bad thing, like healthy food in schools, because god dammit, if we want our kids to be fat, then we want them to be fat! And if we want them to be uneducated, that’s our business and STOP TELLING ME HOW TO RAISE MY TAX BREAKS CHILDREN!

I had the opportunity to go to college. I went to an affordable state school on a partial scholarship and was fortunate enough that my parents had the foresight to save for my education. (They’re snobs, too.) I also worked full-time when my financial aid ran out to stay in school.

I was also raised in a Republican household, Secretary of my school’s College Republicans my senior year, and wasn’t indoctrinated into anything (except a shitload of really good beer). It wasn’t until after I’d graduated that I became the godless heathen that you know and tolerate today.

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Previewing the Arizona and Michigan GOP Student Council Elections

The editors of this influential periodical treat the democratic process with all of the respect that it deserves. Which is to say, very little. Apparently the low-information voters of the Hate State (Arizona) and Michigan are headed to the polls to-day to choose the man who will bravely offer himself up as cannon fodder to the unstoppable force that is the Kenyan Prime Minister Barack Hussein Obama.

WHO YA GOT?

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Something, Something, SANTORUM

OH HOLY frothy mixture of CRAP, blood, lube, and man-paste you guys!

Just when everyone (including your faithful correspondent) thought that the Mexican Space Lizard W. Mittens Romney had the GOP nomination all but wrapped up, the Senator for the National Man-Boy Love Association Vatican, Rick #Santorum, just had to go and make things interesting again. UGH, THE NERVE OF SOME PEOPLE!

Rick Santorum is not an intelligent man but he is cunning, and that may be just what Amerika needs after four years of ivory ebony tower academic intellectual elite godless secular rationality occupying Das Whitehaus. Short on cash and librul media attention, Mr. Santorum’s campaign de-emphasized Florida and jumped ahead to Minnesota, Missour-ah, and Colorado to organize the drooling automatons of the “values” community into lean, mean, caucusing machines. It was a brilliant strategy to grab the spotlight and, if Mr. Santorum prays even longer and harder than he does to be cured of TEH GAY, could even procure some sorely needed fundraising dollars.

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Handicapping the 2012 Miss Teen Intellectually Handicapped Florida Talent Show

Happy Monday, you no-talent ass clowns. Tomorrow, the Republican Party’s long, slow death march makes a stop in Florida, a state where even the relatively intelligent voters can’t fill out a ballot properly.

WHO YA GOT?

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Handicapping the 2012 South Carolina Sons of the Confederacy Grits-eating Contest

Down with the Eagle, and Up with the Cross!

Hooray hooray, for it is Fri-day, and tomorrow the enlightened voters of the least enthusiastic member of our United States get to weigh in on which man deserves to embarrass America’s allies and embolden her enemies.

WHO’S GONNA WIN? I don’t know or care, and neither should you! But we will still take the piss out of all of them, because we hate freedom.

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