NEWSFLASH: Getting Old Sucks

As you may have suspected since stumbling upon this web magazine, its editors and contributors suffer mightily for their “art”, if you are so charitable as to allow me to use that word in describing the verbal atrocities committed here every day in the name of dick jokes and SOSHULISM.

As Magic Sam mentioned earlier this week, your correspondent had an unfortunate mishap with an anatomically incorrect sex toy on the soccer field and broke his scapula, temporarily rendering him a vicodin-soaked wretch unable to formulate or type coherent sentences.

“But The Bunk, how is that any different than normal?”, I can hear you saying to yourself with a smug affectation not befitting someone of your caste… [Read more...]

The Morning Wood: USA USA!

photo by Miguel Tovar

For the first time in the history of EVAR, the Team USA Soccerball Squadron went to Messico and beat the Messicans 1-0 in front of about 67,000 bemused Messicans at the colossal Estadio Azteca, seven thousand feet up in scenic Messico City, Messico. Don’t get too excited though, because David Sirota will gently chastise you. ESPN, The Worldwide Leader in Tebow™, doesn’t seem to embed properly in WordPress, which got my panties all in a twist this morning. So, see below the fold for embedded highlights from the lovely people at the US Soccer Federation. [Read more...]

Euro 2012: And Then There Were Eight

Ahoy!

It is probably time for you to orient yourself towards St. James’ Gate, Dublin, assume the position, drink of the Blood of Christ Jameson and give thanks to Guinness and His prophet Smithwick (Praise Be Upon Him) that the quarterfinals of the Euro 2012 RAYCESSISM & fútbol pageant are set to begin (2:45 PM Eastern on ESPN).

What’s that you say? Your New Year’s resolution was to stop drinking in the morning, alone at your work desk? NO ONE ADHERES TO NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS, YOU SILLY FUCK. Just make sure you chew some gum to mask the smell of booze in case you’re called upon to do something productive, which is unlikely, because you are a meaningless vestigial organ of a corporate person.

So, the footballing wheat has been separated from the chaff, and only eight nations remain in this glorious competition. In the spirit of fair play, good, clean entertainment, and beautiful Eastern European women, WHO YA GOT? [Read more...]

Euro 2012 is Bread and Circuses for Peasants

Soccer fans

From the desk of J. Daniel Bateman, QC
Private Secretary & Legislative Liaison
By Appointment to HRH The Duke of Lancaster
Royal Crescent
Bath BA1
United Kingdom

19th June 2012

Ladies and Gentlemen, and I use those terms charitably:

At roughly 18:45 Greenwich Mean Time today, you will gather around your hand-cranked teevee sets to take in the last two group games of the 2012 UEFA European Championships, brought to you by Adidas, Cannon, Castrol, Coca-Cola, Continental, Orange, Telekomunikacja Polska, Hyundai-Kia, Carlsberg, McDonald’s, SHARP, and the Djarum Tobacco Company of Indonesia.

I, as a representative of your betters, cannot adequately express with words my delight at the news that so many of you colonists have re-gained an appreciation for football. And by “football”, I mean football, not that vulgar human demolition derby pantomimed in tights, shoulder-pads, and cosmetic helmets by minorities ill equipped for any station in life that does not involve inflicting traumatic brain injuries on one another for the entertainment of the masses. [Read more...]

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